Raising Values: Getting Stuck

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values Podcast through Patreon.

[00:00:15] Bill and Gillian are behind the mic, and we hope you enjoy the show. Welcome back to Raising Values. Good morning everybody. This is what happens when Gillian asks me a question three seconds before the roll-in stops, and I'm trying to thought was clean off the tracks.

[00:00:40] It is what it is. Good morning. Good morning. So, did you get the pictures uploaded? Yes, I did. All right. Okay, so we do have a topic this morning, obviously. But first, we have new merch, new t-shirts, designs, things like that.

[00:01:00] It doesn't have to just go on t-shirts. It can go on whatever Chris and Tiffany have available to put the stuff on, but I wanted to show you. So we have, he's going to show you some pictures, and I'm sorry for the people

[00:01:13] who are just listening to the podcast, but if you're watching, you can see our new merch. So this is the Happy Camper. This one is my favorite. I love the colors. I love the skeleton roasting marshmallows by a campfire. Anyway, so there's that one.

[00:01:31] And then the next one, this is another. I love all of them. I don't know which one to pick. Well, you made all of them. Oh yeah, that's the other thing. I made all of them except there were two designs that are three designs that I didn't make.

[00:01:44] I bought, but I made this one. The good energy is contagious. And I love the skeleton again, the skeleton piece sign on the back. And then so yeah, this is a back piece. And then you have the front little raising values podcast. Pretty thing in the front. Okay.

[00:02:02] Good energy is contagious. These are Phil's favorite, and that's the one I'm wearing today. The burnt out, but optimistic. I showed Phil this one months ago. I think, I think this was like, I made this one after Prepper Camp.

[00:02:16] I saw it somewhere and I was like, I have to recreate that one. Y'all, it is a, for people listening, it is a marshmallow on fire running through the woods with a smile. He's burnt out, but he's optimistic. And then the other one is an angry possum.

[00:02:35] And it says, first of all, I'm a delight. I wore that one yesterday. We went to, we went grocery shopping and I passed this family in the aisle and the man literally like stopped and looked at me. He goes, love that shirt.

[00:02:52] So I just thought that one was super cute and it fit my personality. And I know that it's going to fit a lot of other personalities. So anyway, you can get, is that it? That's it. Yeah, that was four shirts. So you can purchase this now.

[00:03:07] So it's live on the website. The link is in the description. The link is in the description. I also just posted these to our Instagram account and the link is also there. So it might actually help you if you go there.

[00:03:22] It's a little bit quicker, I guess you can get these on lady cut shirts. You can get them on men cut shirts like this one is a man's shirt or whatever. It's just your preference. Cousies are coming, all that stuff.

[00:03:38] So I'll be wearing these especially during prepper camp. And then the more exciting news, I think, because Phil and Andrew have quite the following and more of a following than raising values does is y'all just sent off your new

[00:03:54] merch graphics that I made for your new line or whatever. And that's coming pretty soon. She got those mocked up yesterday. Yeah, Southern Gals already has all the mockups and everything done for a matter of facts, merch. I saw where I missed question from her.

[00:04:14] She was asking about what sizes, what colors I wanted for the proofs. And I just need to, once I've got all my coffee installed, I need to reply back to her. But yeah, I mean, I'm excited about how the merch you came up with because I mean, obviously

[00:04:30] burnout but optimistic is my favorite. But like one of the things you and I talked about when we talk about taking a second look at our merchandise was we wanted something that was it flowed with the tone of the show.

[00:04:45] And I feel like the merch you designed, it's definitely a lot of your personality, but it's the show on a shirt. Yeah, so here's the burnt out but optimistic if you can see it.

[00:04:54] So it's pretty big on the front and you can see the happy little burning marshmallow who's smiling and skipping through the woods while he's on fire. Stewart said we can start over. Oh well, Stewart, I put the images, I put them in the patron chat.

[00:05:14] So you can see the new images that just came out for the raising values merch line. And Joe was saying burnout but optimistic is a perfect fit for my current work situation. Mine too, most of us I would venture to say.

[00:05:31] Yeah, when I made this one, it was, I want to say it was right before Thanksgiving break and that's when burnout really hits teachers is right before Thanksgiving, mainly because our school doesn't have a fall break.

[00:05:44] A lot of schools are now implementing fall breaks, but we don't have one. We get parish fair day and stuff like that. And honestly, the only break I get is prepper camp. But is that a vacation? Not really. Yes. It's not really a vacation.

[00:06:03] It's more of a vacation. It's a work trip kind of thing. It's more of a vacation for you and Piper than it is for me, put it that way. This year you have us working at the booth.

[00:06:13] So anyway, so Kyle said that I think he's talking about Matter of Facts. Matter of Facts needs to have a tactical crawfish. I cannot wait. I cannot wait for y'all to see the new Matter of Facts merch. Oh my God.

[00:06:34] And so Andrew helped with some of the graphics. I put it together. It is Andrew and Phil. It is hilarious. There is not a tactical crawfish, but I will tell you there is a tactical raccoon. Yeah.

[00:06:50] I leaned really hard away from things that were like stereotypical Louisiana because like everybody's... Because Andrew's in Michigan. Yeah. Well, not just that, but like everybody's done a crawfish shirt. Everybody's done an alligator shirt. It's been done. Yeah.

[00:07:07] Besides, you know, raccoon kind of resonates with us I think. Why? Well, it resonates with me at least, you know? Hairy, chubby, maybe rabid. Best if left alone. You're a trash panda? Sure. Okay. All right. Anyway, so the... I'm excited about the new merch.

[00:07:30] I'm excited about all the new graphics for both of the podcasts. I think they really do... Well, I think that they're going to hit better than just having our logos. So I think you'll like them. I hope you purchase them because it does help Chris and Tiffany.

[00:07:49] We don't get... The way that the contract is written is they get... Anyway, it helps Chris and Tiffany in their business. Well, I mean at the end of the day, the decision to use Southern Gals to do the merch production

[00:08:05] fulfillment was really driven out of the idea that like, you know, I think you, me and Andrew all are very big on helping a small business. And none of us want to line the pockets of like, you know, corporate America or a large company.

[00:08:18] So at the end of the day, if I have that decision between Teespring and the Southern Gals, it's a simple decision to make. Truth of the matter is, you know, like every time they've sent us a proof, I've been really happy with the quality of the shirt.

[00:08:33] That was like the one big thing we went into this with was, I want the product to feel nice to wear. I didn't want cheap, chinchy, paper thin, scratchy shirts. And they have totally fulfilled my requirement. And I feel like with the designs you put together, it works.

[00:08:53] It's the show. It's your personality. It's a tiny bit of my personality, but it's more yours. Yeah, I think the possum and the burning marshmallow. The burning marshmallow is a vibe. You can't wait to get your shirt. I can't.

[00:09:07] Really quick before we move on, I know we're like harping on merch, but we've had, looks like quite a few people come back into the show. So we go back to the merch and just show them because the people that just

[00:09:19] got here, our numbers keep going up, which is really cool. So again, happy camper skeleton that is roasting marshmallows by a fire. Good energy is contagious. Peace sign. Yeah, that's me. And then the first of all, I'm a delight with the angry possum and

[00:09:37] then the burnt out, but optimistic. So those are the, those are the new raising values merch. All right. Moving on to, except for Joe's comment. Haven't, haven't tried it under a plate carrier, but they're pretty soft. There's there. I mean, they're, they're a good quality shirt.

[00:09:58] They're Gildan, which is one of my favorite brand t-shirts when we do things like that. Um, so yeah, they're, they're nice. Soft anyway. Haven't tried them under a plate carrier. Joe, I can't, we'll take pictures and send it to the group. How about that? We'll do that.

[00:10:17] All right. So the topic getting stuck. Do we want to talk about, yeah, I guess we have to. Yeah. I mean, just to lead into it. So like, again, this was, this was one of those sitting around on the beach a

[00:10:29] couple of weeks ago conversations that you and I were having, cause that's what you do want to beach vacation is just sit out roast and, you know, just talk. Oh, it's what we did, but somehow we glanced upon this conversation of like getting stuck, which

[00:10:46] when we didn't glance upon it, we kind of, we had to, we sat down. So, okay. Backstory to the backstory. Backstory to the backstory. Piper is a teenager almost in a few months. She will be 13, but those teenage hormones have, they're here, um,

[00:11:06] in full presence and making themselves known weekly, daily, daily, daily. Daily. Daily. Um, so some days we are me and her are like sandpaper. Some days we get along and everything is great and kosher. And I try my best not to annoy her, get on her nerves.

[00:11:33] And, um, and then I get the backlash of I've annoyed her and I've gotten on her nerves. And I, I'm not trying to, well, I was going to say, I'm not trying to gentle parent a teenager, but I can't always carry a stick

[00:11:50] and poker and be like, Hey, are you okay? Hey, what's going on? Because a lot of times she doesn't want to talk to me about things. And that's, that's fine. Um, I'm trying to navigate that personally. Like it's not her responsibility. What did we tell her?

[00:12:04] My emotions are not her responsibility. What it is, what is her responsibility is her tone and her attitude. And the way that her tone and her attitude, um, do hurt people's feelings. Like I don't want her to hurt people's feelings. There's, there's no point in it.

[00:12:25] Um, it's negative energy. It's, it's not anything that she needs to put out. You know, if she needs to release that sort of aggravation or anger or whatever, there are better ways to do it.

[00:12:37] Um, then talking back or getting an attitude or rolling her eyes or all that stuff. I also understand that this is just a teenager. Like I can remember being a teenager and being a little shit.

[00:12:49] You know, most teenagers are little shits and I get that and I'm trying to navigate that as best as I can. So what happened was we, we went out to eat the last day of our vacation. She was aggravated at her headphones.

[00:13:10] I asked her if she was okay and that was like, is everything okay? And then everything went downhill from there just because I asked her if she was okay. Um, her tone was just very negative and disrespectful and it just continued throughout the dinner.

[00:13:30] And then it continued as we went to get ice cream afterwards. And I had finally had it and, um, we walked into the ice cream store and she asked me if I was okay. I guess she figured that I was upset. She could read the room.

[00:13:47] And all I said was, you know, your tone really hurts my feelings sometimes. And that was all I said. And I think I looked at you at one point and then I looked at her and I

[00:13:58] said, I'm just going to go sit over here on the bench because I don't want any ice cream. And I think me leaving was what opened the flood gates. And I didn't leave because I wanted to hurt her feelings or whatever.

[00:14:11] I just, I needed to leave the situation before I said something. Okay. So that's, that's most of the backstory. And for more context, like, I think I'm trying to think of a way to say is it won't hurt your feelings. No, go ahead.

[00:14:28] I think, I think you leaving opened the flood gates because then it was also because it was just me and her. And there are times depending on this subject and depending on her, her mood at that moment, there are times when she and I have

[00:14:43] a really hard time communicating and you two just click together and the exact opposite happens where depending on her mood, depending on what's going on, sometimes the sub, depending on the subject, you and her have a hard time communicating and me and her just fit.

[00:14:57] And I think most of the time y'all fit. Most of the time y'all fit. I'll agree to that. Most of the time they are fitting together better than I am. But I still, but I still think it's situational if that makes

[00:15:12] sense in a way where it's like, I feel like it's a situation that drives that those situations just come up a lot more often for some reason. And I think part of it is that, you know, she's, she's at that

[00:15:24] point in her life where like she's trying to negotiate with her own emotions and figure out why she feels a certain way and how to unpack that and she, at least from my perspective seems to

[00:15:37] approach that a lot of the same way I do my emotions where I'm, I try to rationalize them and think through them. You know what I'm saying? It's, I think that's why sometimes like I can, I can talk to her on

[00:15:51] her level because it's not like I'm coming down to her level. That's just the level I'm already on. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes sense. So you're on a 12 year old girl's level. Well, not a 12 year old girl's level, but I approach, I approach

[00:16:06] trying to unpack my emotions the same way she does a lot of times. Yes. And that's very true. That is true. Yes. Because I mean, you know, and again, there, there are times when her personality is 180 degrees out of phase with mine and there's times when like

[00:16:22] she's Phil Jr., which probably isn't a shock to anybody because you know, she's our child. She's going to have chunks of both of our personality, but I feel like that's why sometimes I can engage her better because that's my personality I'm

[00:16:36] seeing in her and I know how to communicate with that personality. And that's what happened that evening was, you know, once you'd walk, you'd stepped away. I kind of pulled her off, you know, pulled her off the side and I'm like, something's up. I know something's up.

[00:16:51] If you don't want to talk about it right now, then tell me you don't want to talk about it. Don't tell me nothing. Yeah. And that's when she said, do we have to talk about this right now?

[00:16:59] And as soon as she said that, I was like, now I've gotten through to her. So I said, no, let's get her ice cream. Let's go have a seat outside the three of us. And we're going to talk this out.

[00:17:09] Like, and through the course of that conversation, we kind of came around to her expressing to the two of us something that you and I have both felt before. And she has just been trying to figure out how to deal with it herself

[00:17:22] without clue in the two of us in, but it was, that's what we call getting stuck. It was, it was the headphones, which seems like the one of these small little things, but like how many times have adults had some small little

[00:17:35] thing, trip them up and you get aggravated or frustrated or put you in a mood. And it just carries for hours. And in your head, rationally, you're like, this is stupid. I shouldn't be this man. I need to get over this. This is ridiculous.

[00:17:49] But you can't and you're, you're stuck. You're stuck in that emotion that rationally you understand is not that big of a deal or even if it is a big deal, it's like, now's not the time to address this.

[00:18:02] Something has to get done, but it's so difficult to override that emotion and say, put this on the shelf. Let's deal with it later or let it go. It's not that big of a deal. It's not worth ruining the day.

[00:18:16] But I totally sympathize with a 12 year old having trouble with that because you and I are 40 year old, 40 plus year old adults. And we have trouble with that. Yeah. And that's what we did tell her was that this is, this is such a normal thing to go through.

[00:18:30] And, and you know, I told her, I get stuck and there are times where I don't know how to get stuck and I'm 40 years old. So I'm probably, that probably wasn't a good thing to say, but it's,

[00:18:45] it's the truth and we've never, we've never sugarcoated life with her. No. You know, and I disagree that it's not a good thing to tell her because like, I've always felt like with, I've always felt like based on me on my own

[00:19:00] perspective of child raising, like our, our job, our intent is to raise a fully functional independent adult. Right. So every day, every decision, every, every whatever we do where we treat her like a child doesn't get me one step closer to that goal.

[00:19:17] Now this doesn't mean that I'm not going to like mold the conversation or try to filter it so that it's 12 year old appropriate, but I'm never going to just make a decision and say, I'm not going to talk to her about this at all because.

[00:19:33] No, and I'm not saying that I'm just saying like, I walk a very fine line of an improbable you do too. And most parents do of communicating with your child, uh, that life isn't always rainbows and unicorns.

[00:19:52] And so that fine line of telling them that, you know, this, this sucks right now, what am I trying to say? I guess I'm the fine line of saying like, yeah, life sucks. You know what I'm saying? But you don't want to like totally bulldoze their childhood. Exactly.

[00:20:09] And they're innocent. Yeah. I get, I get that perspective. I guess. I also don't want her to get into a situation as an adult going, why didn't my parents help me with this?

[00:20:19] Why didn't they tell me that this was a thing or this was going to suck so bad? And then I guess in that, I guess is also part of the reason why I always err on the side of honesty.

[00:20:28] Even if it's, even if it's to say, this is as much as I'm comfortable telling you now we're going to have to save the rest is when you're a little older, a little more mature. And I'll tell them or I'll tell Piper, um, this piece is going to

[00:20:41] I'm this piece. We're not talking about just yet. Like let's put that on the shelf, but I'm acknowledging that there's more to this than what I'm telling you. I'm just, we're just not at a point yet where I can share that with you.

[00:20:54] Some of these things, some of these discussions are going to have to wait until later. But I always err on the side of honesty because I don't want her to formulate a viewpoint of the world at 12 that is going to screw her at 22. Yeah.

[00:21:12] Like that's you and I've even talked about, like, and we're going way off the subject, but we kind of went there. But like you and I have even talked in the past about like how much of like personal finances we share with her.

[00:21:22] Like, should we tell her, no, we can't afford that or Hey, money's tight right now, we can't go out to eat things like that. And I've always taken the position of like 110%. Yes. We should tell her those things because first of all, dad's not

[00:21:35] saying no, because dad's just a jerk and doesn't like to eat out. Dad's saying no, because if we take this money from here, it's not over here. And at a certain point, like I have to make those decisions of do we go spend

[00:21:48] 80, you know, 70, 80 bucks taking the two, but taking the three of us out to eat or do we spend, you know, that money towards groceries or do we spend it towards savings or does it go towards retirement or does it go towards home improvement or the next vacation?

[00:22:02] Those decisions are all tied to each other. I understand that I'm 41 years old. She has to understand that as a 12 year old, not because she's in the position of having to take care of a family and manage personal finances yet, but

[00:22:17] because if her whole perspective from now till then is dad just said no all the time, she doesn't understand why. But now at this point, if she says, Hey, can we do that? And you say, Hey, it has to wait till payday. Okay, mom.

[00:22:31] No, no, no frustration, no anger, no disappointment, nothing. It is. No, I, that's not true. I think there is disappointment because now she has to wait a little bit longer until mom gets paid to, to get whatever she's asking for. But no anger. No, no anger.

[00:22:48] Because it's not mom's doing this being malicious. It's mom has to be able to put gas in her tank to be able to go do things until, you know, next payday. It's, but my point is that she gets that and that's something I

[00:23:00] think is very important to err on the side of honesty with your kids. Like you don't have to get into the whole, the nitty gritty details, but I can't remember what it was. There was one time Piper says she wanted something and I saw an

[00:23:15] opportunity, she wanted me to get her something and I saw an opportunity. And I was like, you know how much that costs? And she said, I forget what it was 60, 70 bucks. And I was like, you know, how much are, uh, I'm like, I literally

[00:23:27] just got through paying the mortgage that month and I'm like, you know how much I've spent on the mortgage said how much I'm like $1,300, which I understand is not a ton for some people, but in this

[00:23:35] area for me, that's not a small amount of money and her eyes fell open. And I was like, I need you to understand that from your perspective, you want this thing and you don't understand the value tied to it or

[00:23:50] how many hours I have to work to be able to afford that, but understand that the bills I'm responsible for are this because if I don't pay those bills, we don't have a house to live in. And it's been things like that.

[00:24:03] I've done with her over the years, just try to get her to understand the world around her. Cause one day she's going to step out into it ready or not. Yeah. So getting back to this topic, she told us that she got stuck

[00:24:17] that the head, the earphone things just, God, that just got in her crawl so bad and she couldn't let it go. And we kept asking, are you okay? Are you okay? And, and the more we asked her, the more frustrated she got more

[00:24:30] frustrated she got and it was just there. And she even, she even let us know that, you know, she said, I understand that this is ridiculous. I cannot let it go. And she said that there are times when, um, if she forgets to

[00:24:46] brush her teeth in the morning, that that is all day for her. If she forgets to brush her hair in the morning, it is an all day thing for her, it has changed her mood. She can't let it go. It's all she focuses on. That is it.

[00:24:58] And at that moment it was the earphones, it was the headphone, whatever. And also I don't remember if she expressed this directly or this is just kind of what I picked up reading the tea leaves, but I get

[00:25:11] the impression that part of what frustrates her so bad when we ask her what's wrong, it's twofold. First of all, she did say that she was trying not to show that she was upset, even though it was coming out and that was frustrating

[00:25:24] her because she's like, I'm not, I'm not saying that I'm upset. Why does everybody keep asking me that? But I think the other thing is it's frustrating for her because it's like a reminder of the fact that I can't let this go and everybody

[00:25:37] can tell I can't let this go. Yeah, that's exactly what it was. Which was also why, you know, the next bullet point, I don't want to get too far ahead, but like the next bullet point talks about communicating these, these, these thoughts, these feelings,

[00:25:50] these emotions, because what I told her was I'm like, just like we did in the ice cream store, I'm like, if you're upset and you just don't want to talk about right now, acknowledge something is wrong and then say, dad, can we talk about this in a minute?

[00:26:03] And then when it's just the two of us, like, you can just tell me, be like, Hey, my headphones reacted up three hours ago and I'm just a little frustrated about it. I'm like, okay, cool. I know what's wrong. I know it's nothing major.

[00:26:13] I know that you're physically and emotionally okay. And it's not me or mom that's caused this. You're just stuck. I don't want to say just stuck. Like it's nothing, but like, I understand it now. Yeah. I can, we can, you know, try to work around that. Yeah.

[00:26:28] But I totally understand what she was saying. I don't know if she used the word stuck or if you were, I did, but like, she did. Okay. But the minute she said it, the light bulb went on because I was just

[00:26:38] like, Oh, poor child, like that makes so much sense. Yeah. And kudos to her though, for being able to put that into words, because I even have trouble when, when you're like, what is wrong? Like something is a whatever, even you, you, you do that.

[00:26:57] And that's, and that's why when she said it, my light bulb went on because I'm like, I am the exact same way. So, and I will tell myself repeatedly, just let it go.

[00:27:06] It's not that big of a deal, but I get, I get stuck when Phil gets stuck. So obviously Phil is a big, um, personality, right? He's a big personality. Uh, you may not know that, but he is.

[00:27:22] And Phil, I know this is going to sound like woo woo, you know, you know, hippie dippy stuff. Phil, you can feel feel Phil's energy. When Phil gets stuck, the entire house changes, like everything. It just, it just changes. And I will ask what's wrong. Something is wrong.

[00:27:47] I know something is wrong. You get quiet, you, you pull away. You can't, you, every answer is a short answer and oh God, now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, it is exact. Exact. I'm sorry. Exactly what's happening when she does. She gets quiet.

[00:28:09] She pulls away subtitles come on because we all have subtitles in our face. All three of us do, even though she hates it. When we say that all three of us have subtitles, but you still will not answer my question of what's wrong and it, in it. Okay.

[00:28:26] I will say this. I'll admit most of the time it is something that I said or did hours ago that you you're stuck on, but you won't tell me about it. So when you get stuck, I know when she gets stuck, I know when I get stuck.

[00:28:45] I think, you know, something's off. Something's off with, with Gillian and maybe this is something you go through and I would imagine that this is something that she goes through. I can't find the words. Yeah. Something's off. Something's wrong. Something clicked.

[00:28:59] Something sent me into this spiral of being stuck, but I can't express to you what it is because words are hard for me. So the fact that this 12 year old was able to sit there, tears rolling down her face, tears rolling down my face.

[00:29:14] And she literally just looked at us and she said, I get stuck. I don't know how to get out of it. Well, then my mama heart broke, but you know, but she was able to tell us that this is what's happening.

[00:29:25] And then she was able to give us examples of these are other times. I get stuck when she gets in the car to go to school or we get, she gets in the car, we go out to town or whatever, just the two of us.

[00:29:38] And we could be backing out of the driveway or we've already turned onto the main road and then all of a sudden she, I forgot to brush my teeth or I forgot to brush my hair or whatever. She forgot to put on deodorant or whatever. I mean, she's 12.

[00:29:51] Those things happen. I've walked out the door many times for getting to brush my teeth. Um, what she really, really, really wants and what I should be able to do, but a lot of times I can't is to turn the car around

[00:30:06] so that she can do those things. Now what I've learned is I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my classroom so she can brush her teeth in my classroom and I have a hair brush in my classroom and I have deodorant. I have pads.

[00:30:18] I have all the things that she may have forgotten at home to do that she can lock my classroom door and do those things before school starts, because we get there before the kids show up. So that has actually helped when she gets stuck in the

[00:30:34] morning on a school day. But when we're out and the headphones aren't working or they're charged, she thinks they're charged because she plugged them in, but they didn't get a good connection. And so now they're not charged and now she has to listen to conversations.

[00:30:48] And so here's the other thing with her. We're probably giving a whole lot of information away from her and she's going to hate this. Um, Piper has to, she can't, she has never been a child that can do crowds or loud noises ever. Sympathize.

[00:31:05] Cannot do it when she was a baby and we would bring her to a restaurant. She would cry for three days after that, just overstimulated. It was just not good. And so we, um, we stayed home.

[00:31:19] We stayed home a lot and actually got flack from some of your family in Texas about why we haven't come to visit and why, you know, all this other stuff and tried to explain, you know, our child just doesn't do well. She doesn't do well traveling.

[00:31:33] She doesn't do well in large crowds. She's not, she's not one of those babies. You can just pass over the table and an Italian family. She just, she wasn't that kid. Um, hi Phoebe. She just wasn't that kid and she has continued to not be that kid.

[00:31:47] She hates crowds. She hates loud noises. She hates like going to the mall or even like a trampoline park or anything like that. She hates it. She doesn't want to be there. And so one of the things that she has found is she can control her

[00:32:03] emotions and her anxiety by plugging her ears with headphones and listening to her music goes into her little bubble, goes into her bubble. And that's totally fine. Adults have to do that too. I, we know plenty of adults that do that.

[00:32:17] I was notorious in my office for the first seven years of my career while I was doing financial calculations all day long that I would put headphones in at like six o'clock in the morning and I

[00:32:27] would take them out at three 29 right as I was getting ready to leave. Yeah. And I'd be sitting there blasting like heavy metal, electron, the most angry, aggressive music you could think of. And I'm just sitting there just pegging away on a keyboard, just doing what I'm doing.

[00:32:42] Yeah. And we saw this building and building and building when she was in the public school, cause she had so many kids in her class and it was just, it was awful. She'd come home crying all the time.

[00:32:54] Um, so when we moved her back to this small private school that we, that I work for, she has 12 kids in her class. I, I'm going to say this and I, and I hope no one, if any of the

[00:33:10] moms or dads are watching, I don't know if they actually do. All of these kids in her class are somewhere on the spectrum. All of them have to be maybe one or two or not. I don't know. Maybe three or four or not.

[00:33:22] Most of them are most of them need headphones in. They can't do loud noises. They can't, they can't take the anxiety of large crowds, you know, all that stuff. And I'm saying that in my brain is going, God, they're going to really have a

[00:33:35] hard time come high school or God, they're going to have a really hard time come adulthood when they have to get a job and they have to do those things. Well, that's why we don't allow it sometimes, you know, especially

[00:33:46] with her as parents, we don't, there, there have been times where she will go into a full blown panic attack in a restaurant. We've ordered the food. Or sitting there. It's loud. It's crowded. She has to get out of there. We have to leave.

[00:34:00] So what we've started to do is, um, you know, we'll talk her through it. We'll do some breathing. We'll do whatever it takes. Even allow her to put her headphones in every now and then, but we're not

[00:34:12] leaving because you, what we've told her is you will not always get the opportunity to just leave. You can't always just leave on the, when a situation gets uncomfortable, you have to face it. You have to understand and start to learn yourself and what works for

[00:34:29] you to get through those situations. You're going to have to have a job. You're going to have to work with people you don't like, you know, that's that feel like that's what I taught. Talk to my sixth and seventh graders about every year.

[00:34:40] You are not going to get along with everyone, but you have to be nice. You still have to be kind. You still have to work through the situation. You still have to, you know, manage your emotions and manage your anger and all that stuff.

[00:34:53] And so that's what we've told her. I feel like there's an enormous Venn diagram between the conversations you have with your child and with her classmates who are the exact same age. Yeah, for sure. I mean, no, well, that's not pertinent to this conversation, but kids get stuck.

[00:35:11] It doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or they're not. Kids get stuck. Adults get stuck. And that was what we were trying to communicate to her was you are not alone in this. This is everybody, every human. We all get stuck.

[00:35:28] We have to learn how to get through it. I get unstuck in a different way that you get unstuck and a lot of ways. They're the same. I need to pull away. I need to be by myself mainly because I know that I can get really

[00:35:41] mean and she can too. Okay. This is like a aha moment for a lot of, I've had a couple of light folds during this one, but yeah. Yeah. And I know that when I get stuck, like a lot of the time when I do, when I

[00:35:58] pull back, it's just because like, it's because I have again, that whole rational assessment part of my brain. I can look at the situation and be like, yes, your feelings are hurt, but it's not that big of a deal and you just need to let it go.

[00:36:11] It like, it's not worth addressing with you. It's not worth addressing with whoever hurt my feelings. Either A, because I don't think anything's going to change in the situation or B, because I know that even unearth that conversation is

[00:36:26] going to be more pain, more aggravation and everything else. And it's just like, it's not worth fighting about. I just need to let this go. But sometimes the letting go takes a little while and it's difficult. See, I guess I'm just, I don't know.

[00:36:40] Maybe I think about this different because to me that is just going to, you're just internalizing this. You're just internalizing that. It's not going to go away. You, you might, your emotions might change and you might feel better and start acting better, but it's an unresolved issue.

[00:36:58] And so that's why I push with something is wrong. I know something is wrong. I also agree with you that when you do tell me what's wrong, that it will probably not be comfortable to hear and it will not be comfortable to work through.

[00:37:14] What has happened is that it is, we do a much better job in our marriage now than we did when we were first married of talking through those issues. And I think for me, it, I get so, um, what's the word I'm looking for?

[00:37:34] It's, um, I'm already insecure about a lot of things. I'm still very insecure about a lot of things. And so when my husband says it's not worth talking about, or I'm, I'll be fine. I just got to let it go. What, whatever.

[00:37:50] What I heard was it's not, it's, it's not important enough to talk to you about and you're not important enough to know. And so I know you just kind of rolled your eyes a little bit. Like, are you serious?

[00:38:02] This is like the meme where husband says we can't go out and you talk to this night and wife says, you don't love me. I heard you don't love me. He said he wanted a divorce. Because he said he doesn't love me anymore.

[00:38:13] And that's not what I said. What did you say? I said, we can't have tacos. Sometimes I don't know how the human race has survived this long. Like how all men haven't just checked out and said, Nope, Nope, all of you creatures are insane.

[00:38:26] The human race is going to die. This generation, we're all done. Okay. But I'm telling you like that is, that is how I then take what you're, what you're going through. He doesn't want to talk to me about it.

[00:38:41] I know it's something I did, but he doesn't want to talk to me one because he doesn't believe that I'll whatever change or I'll acknowledge that I did something or whatever. And then it's just, I'm not that important to him to discuss this with.

[00:38:55] And so he's just going to let it go. It'll come up again. I'll probably do it again. Whatever. I don't know. So that's what I go through when you get stuck. That's what I say.

[00:39:05] So I'm trying to be better about that because I do, I do that with her. When she gets stuck, it's like crap. What did I do? Because, okay. I said this to her and I'm not sorry. I said this to her. I battle, not going to cry.

[00:39:28] I'm not going to cry. It's okay. I battled daily. Even when she was born, I battle daily with not being my mother and being the mother that I didn't have like the mother that I wanted the mother that I needed.

[00:39:51] I, I am trying my best to do that without like, yeah, like being so just a wet blanket all the time, like smothering her. But that's, that's what's in my head all the time.

[00:40:08] So when she gets angry with me, I take it personal because crap, what did I do? I have done something because I can remember reacting like that to my mom. And I know what she did to get that reaction. Did I do that?

[00:40:22] Because I have one to be so polar opposite. That's why, um, that's, that's why I flood her with the, I love yous all the time. She hates it. I know she does. Maybe not. I, she, she probably doesn't hate it, but when I would tell my mother, I

[00:40:44] love you, growing up, it wasn't until I was about 20 years old that she say it back. And it was only then because I yelled at her in the car about it. And we had this huge fight.

[00:41:00] We were on our way to Baton Rouge to pick up dad from the airport. We had this huge fight about how she never responds with I love you too. Never respond. She'd always change the subject or whatever, go the different direction. But that response was never there.

[00:41:16] And so I know that I'm the mom that oversays it, but God, I don't want her to ever feel like that. I don't want her to ever question. Does my mom love me? Because my mom tells me 35,000 times in the day that she loves me.

[00:41:32] Um, so that is what I struggle with. And when she gets stuck, that's the first thing that goes through my head is, well, crap, what did I do? What, what, what did I do to put her in this place?

[00:41:45] And I do that with you when you get stuck. What did I do to put him in this place? It must be me. It has to be me. I've done something. So why are you looking at me like that? I'm just wondering how I can medicate you

[00:42:00] Medicaid me. Why would you Medicaid me? Like I need, I need a remote activated, like an insulin pump, but but it's anti anxiety meds for you. Just go click, click, click, click, click, click. Oh my God, you could become a freaking billionaire. You could become a billionaire.

[00:42:17] It would never pass the FDA or anything like that. No, but Phoebe's laughing. I think she might think there's validity to that. He just walks around with shots in a little baggie on his hip, like in a fanny pack. I mean, he just has little injections here, baby.

[00:42:32] Just calm down. Maybe that's what I need then is just, you know, like jump on your back, like a spider monkey and just pop, hold his annex in your mouth until you swallow. You know what he's starting to do?

[00:42:43] So I don't know if some of y'all have seen that I made some mimosa, the tree, the mimosa tinctures this summer. So we get, sometimes we get into the bed and so anyway, I have heart palpitations because hormones suck and menopause is the

[00:43:01] vein of women's existence on this earth. So mimosa actually helps with heart palpitations. But it also palpitations cause anxiety. And so I get in the bed now and his first question is, did you take your mimosa? Did you take, and we're not talking about the drink, mimosa,

[00:43:20] not orange juice and vodka. We're talking about- But that might work too. I don't have any up here. We're talking about an herbal remedy that I've made. But anyway- It's not every night, but when I see the writing on the wall, I'm like, Hmm.

[00:43:36] I was, I'm sorry. I was reading Joe's comment. Um, that needs to go up there. Joe said, I totally understand trying not to be my parents to my kids. Anger, guilt and violence are easy. Do the hard thing and be better.

[00:43:50] It's okay to cry a little. Well, I cry all the time. Y'all have seen me cry more than I think some of my friends, but anyway, I agree. It is, it is easy to go to those emotions, anger, guilt, all that stuff. It definitely is easy.

[00:44:09] Um, and it is hard. It's hard parenting. It's hard being a parent. It's hard having teenagers as children. You know, we're having teenagers in the house or whatever. It's hard. My problem is I've always been stuck. I've always been the people pleaser. I've always been the empath.

[00:44:25] I've always tried to make things better. I was the one, and I don't know, maybe my sister will call me the golden child with this. I was the one taking in everyone's emotions in the house and trying to make everyone happy again. I was the one who was

[00:44:47] not so much refereeing fights, but I, I was in the middle of it going, well, maybe you, maybe you should say this or maybe you shouldn't do that. Or y'all, let's not fight. Don't, don't scream at each other and things like that.

[00:45:00] Um, and so I've continued that in adulthood and as a parent, the peacemaker in the house. And I don't like having these negative low energy vibes in the house, especially with the two people that I love most in the world.

[00:45:19] So I'm going to fix it. I can fix it. And then I become a smothering wet blanket. And when really these two who are so emotionally the same cut from the same cloth need me to back away and find my space, like go somewhere else.

[00:45:38] We'll figure this out and then we'll come back to you. I'm not ready. I don't know how to do it. How do you deal with that? So what I think happens, and this is going back to how to communicate, like this is,

[00:45:51] this is the hard part. I know how I deal with this. And I suspect she deals with it somewhat the same way, but like I don't process through emotions by talking about them. I need my own time to work through things before I can come forward and say,

[00:46:06] this is where I'm at. This is what's going on. Does that make sense? Oh, it makes perfect sense. I'm the total opposite. Let's talk about it. Polar opposite. And therein lies the,

[00:46:15] therein lies the rub is that I don't know if she's one or the other or a chunk of both. But what I do know is that like, I, I cannot discuss what's bothering me until I've had my own time to like unpack it. Now,

[00:46:30] if I try to unpack it and I am truly well and truly stuck and I can't get, I can't get at a range, then at that point I just have to, that's when I do one of these things where I come to you and talk to you

[00:46:40] and nothing makes sense. And my thoughts aren't lined up because I can't get it straight. You know what I'm saying? And then you and I have to talk through it just to help me figure it out.

[00:46:50] But nine times out of 10, like when I've come to you and said, Hey, this has been bothering me or I've been thinking about this. You notice that like my thoughts are usually pretty logical and there's a pet there, there's organization to it.

[00:47:02] And it's cause I've already taken that time to organize it so that it makes sense to me because I'm a very rational person. And even my own emotions don't make a ton of sense to me sometimes.

[00:47:14] So I need time to kind of process through it and say, why do I feel this way? Should I feel this way? Is this the, is this, does all this make sense? And then once it makes sense, at least makes sense to me, then I can,

[00:47:27] I can come to somebody else and say, this is what's been bothering me. But sometimes I'm not, I'm not there yet. And you saying what's the matter 14 times doesn't help because I'm still, I'm still sitting there like, I don't know why I feel this way.

[00:47:43] I can't express to you why I feel this way. I might even know what frustrated me, but I don't understand why it did. Okay. And make, I know that might not make a ton of sense, but like, complete sense.

[00:47:55] I, it's so I need to back off and knock it in my head that this is all about me, whatever, and wait for you to, but you have to, you have to,

[00:48:06] well, I guess you don't have to, but I was going to say you have to still talk to me about it once you figure it out. But therein lies the thing. If I, what if at the end, at the end of that whole process I go through,

[00:48:18] it really doesn't pertain to you. It's not you. It's nothing you did. It's nothing you said. So I just got stuck on my headphones and I just needed to like, let it go. We have comments we have to go back and process apparently.

[00:48:34] Phoebe did say up at the top that she does that too. So I think that she said, but I do the same thing with Bailey, her daughter and her close friends and family talking about making sure that they know that I, they love that. She loves them.

[00:48:49] She never wants them to not know. I love them and appreciate them. And I think that's just a trauma response from the way we were raised and the house we grew up in is we had, I was going to say

[00:49:03] I was going to say, well, yeah, it was chaotic, but we had, um, there was just so many times where we questioned, you know, we were told, and it's a joke in our family, but we were told how many times I can't even,

[00:49:20] I couldn't even give you the count because it's sometimes it's still said that, um, dad should have gone with the dogs instead of having children. He should have just gotten the dogs instead of having kids. We were told that so much growing up.

[00:49:35] And then you had a mom who never reciprocated with the, I love yous. Um, and so as a kid, you're kind of sitting there going, well, do they? I don't know. And then you add in abuse and all that stuff.

[00:49:49] You really start to question things, but Phoebe, I think that's just a trauma response from our household. Unfortunately, it's unfortunate, but the fact that your child and your grandchildren and your husband, fiance, future husband, he's coming. He'll be there. He'll be there in November.

[00:50:08] He's already my brother-in-law, whether he realizes it or not. He's been in the family for long enough. He's here. The fact that they'll never question that you love them is, I mean, you've already made it like that level has already, that glass ceiling

[00:50:22] has already broken for you with that. And same with me. Like, I don't think my daughter and my husband will ever question whether or not I loved them. And I think that I can say it, but my actions show it too.

[00:50:33] And that was something that we didn't always get was an action that correlated with the love and so good for you. Yay. I'm glad we've moved past that. Anyway, there were some other ones down here. I don't know which one you wanted to read.

[00:50:51] Uh, Joe, Joe was saying that don't talk about emotions. Hold them until they boil, until I boil over sometimes for years, which I think that's, I mean, that's kind of goes back to what you were talking about earlier with internalizing emotions and that's. I don't know.

[00:51:09] I, I do not personally believe in suffering repeated injuries quietly on anybody else's behalf. Like, I feel like. Hello child. Goodbye child. I feel like if somebody, I feel like it's so my personal way of dealing with people and problems.

[00:51:30] So sometimes people are problems is that if somebody is continually handing me an injury, I'm going to have one of two responses. One of which is to either cleave their head off if necessary, but I'm going to stop, I'm going to stop the behavior in its tracks

[00:51:45] or I eject them from my life. And that decision is not made based on like, can I modify their behavior because I will wear the other no matter how ugly I have to be. I'm going to get my point across.

[00:51:57] It's made purely based on is that a relationship that's even worth salvaging? And if it's not, then it's just easier to get rid of them than it is to try to fix whatever is causing the problem as opposed to if the relationship is worth

[00:52:10] salvaging and someone is doing something like perpetually injure me or, you know, hurt my feelings or disrespect or whatever, I'm going to get my point across from where the other, I'm going to start with the kinder, gentler method, and I'm going to slowly turn to the volume until

[00:52:25] I get my point across. If I ever have to get all the way up to 10, we're at the point where it's going to get really ugly. But like that's, that's why when it comes to things that in the past,

[00:52:35] like you've done hurt my feelings or I have not felt respected as a husband. Yeah. I might not talk about it right there in that moment, but sooner or later I'm going to come back and be like, babe, this happened. Really upset me. Can we work on that?

[00:52:49] And sometimes depending on, sometimes depending on my mood is sometimes depending on the reaction I get to that. Sometimes I turn the, I have to turn the volume knob up a little bit. Not with me. Yes. Yes. Cause that, that little Sicilian Italian blood in you just starts

[00:53:06] boiling and that's when I have to termone volume up. Sorry, not sorry. Yeah. And Stuart's being a smart alec saying y'all are married and y'all talk to each other. Who knew you could do that? I mean, yeah, it's this weird thing where like we live together.

[00:53:21] So I would rather talk to her than just like passage her, like two shifts in the night. Excuse me. So I think we had one more banner, but I think we've kind of already talked about it, how to get unstuck and then we're getting close to

[00:53:39] our hour mark, but getting unstuck though is tricky sometimes for me. Well, I think it's personal. Yeah. You it's going to be different for everybody. Well, and I also feel like it's, it's appropriate to acknowledge that sometimes the only thing that gets you unstuck is just time.

[00:53:57] You know, like, like with her some, like in that moment that she was stuck. I don't know that forcing her to talk about it. I don't feel like, I don't feel like the conversation we had helped her get unstuck.

[00:54:12] I felt, I feel like it helped us to understand what was going on. I think it felt, it helped her to understand how her, like how, what her energy was communicating to us. But I don't think that really helped her get unstuck.

[00:54:25] I think the only thing that helps her get unstuck sometimes is time or distraction. Yeah. Like something that shocks her out of that, that being stuck or just giving it time so that she can just kind of like release it over time.

[00:54:38] Or if it's a quick fix, like having toothpaste and toothbrush and a hair brush and deodorant in my classroom. Yeah. Or having the time to turn around and come back home so she can do those things. Yeah. Alleviating the source of the being stuck. Yeah.

[00:54:54] But she still has to know how to get unstuck when those things can't be fixed right away. You know, the headphones could not be charged because we didn't have a charger in the car. So she had to listen to the conversation. She had to be present.

[00:55:07] She didn't want to, not that it was, not that the four of us were being loud or anything, but she didn't want, she wanted to kind of escape into her own world and she couldn't do that.

[00:55:17] And so that just kind of multiplied those feelings, but she's got to learn to get herself unstuck without necessarily being with sometimes not being able to fix the problem, moving past it. Yeah. And then going back towards communication, I also think so I'm hoping

[00:55:36] that something she learned from this whole conversation and we learned from this experience is that, you know, saying nothing's wrong with something is very obviously wrong. Doesn't help. Sometimes we just, you know, and I was trying to explain to her,

[00:55:50] maybe I'm stuck is the perfect way to explain this is just to say, I know I'm being very distant right now. I'm just stuck. And that communicates to the other, to the other party involved. Like, I'm not angry. I'm upset with you. I'm stuck.

[00:56:05] I just need any time to get unstuck or I need to work through this, or I need to go brush my teeth or put on my deodorant. Like I'm just stuck. So I feel like, yeah, there's an element here that is communicating on the front

[00:56:18] end so that everyone around understands like what's going on. And also there's just everybody kind of, I hate to say it this way, but like everybody else respecting what that person has to do to get unstuck.

[00:56:33] If it's just time, then okay, we just gotta give a person some time and space. If they need to come talk about it, then obviously we're wide open. If it's something we can alleviate quickly, like brushing teeth or hair, then let's get that dealt with.

[00:56:47] The things you talked about, like I have these things in the classroom just in case that's perfect. But like you said, sometimes that's not a possibility. Yeah. You just gotta, but I think, like what I think was most important coming

[00:57:00] out of this conversation was just the acknowledgement that that's what's happening, she gets stuck and I'm hoping for her, the realization that yeah, you get stuck, your mom gets stuck, your dad gets stuck. Adults get stuck, people from four to 45 and 104 get stuck. Getting stuck is normal.

[00:57:19] It's normal. It happens. It happens to a lot of people and there's nothing wrong with it. It's not like there's anything wrong with anybody because they get stuck. It's just emotions are complicated. And sometimes that's, to me, that's the greatest lesson to be

[00:57:35] learned sometimes in life is what I'm facing, I am not the first person nor will I be the last person to face it. This is a normal part of growing up that everybody deals with. Yeah.

[00:57:45] And then being that resource at the end of the day, like, so me stepping back so I'm not smothering, but also I just want her to understand that your mom is here to talk and I don't have, you know, if you just want

[00:58:02] to talk and not have me respond to anything or whatever, but then I have to, I have to learn to do that with you too is to take a step back. So I'm not smothering. I'm not being that peacemaker. I'm not trying to fix everybody.

[00:58:14] That's, that's the hard part for me because yeah, I get stuck. But I think I battle more with trying to fix you and Piper who are stuck when you're stuck. Anyway, good show. Which as we round this out, probably also works the other way

[00:58:32] because when you get stuck and we give you space, does that help or make things worse? Cause you feel abandoned. Yeah. Unless I say like there, because I will say there are times where I tell y'all

[00:58:48] like I need to go to my bedroom or I'm going to go for a walk or I'm going outside or whatever. And I, I know that especially in August heat, if I go outside to sit out like in the yard or whatever, y'all aren't going to follow me

[00:59:02] because it's too hot, especially Piper. She's not going to come outside with me. Um, but you're, you're much better at knowing that, you know, Gillian just needs a minute or Gillian needs to do this for a second or whatever.

[00:59:15] Um, but yeah, I think for me it's, it is a little bit of the opposite. It, you know, don't leave me out there too long. Come and check on me because yeah, I do start to feel abandoned. Like maybe my, you know, obviously he knows something's wrong.

[00:59:30] Why hasn't he come to help me? Why hasn't he asked me what's up? Why hasn't he whatever. Which is hard for you because you're brilliant, but the common sense sometimes isn't there. Well also because I do what a lot of people do and I try to apply like

[00:59:49] what I know about me to other people, which doesn't usually work. And what do I need when I get stuck? I need space and time. So what do I give? What do I give you when you get stuck? The very thing you don't need. Yeah.

[01:00:02] And what do you give me when I'm stuck? I know we're trying to round this out, but when we talk about the five love languages or whatever, the main point in the beginning is your partner is going to speak the loudest in their love language.

[01:00:20] And so I think that has to be, that is obviously the same thing. Like I am speaking the loudest in when I'm stuck or when you're stuck and how I need you to respond to me.

[01:00:32] So we could say that you speak the loudest in your language of emotional support. Sure. And I speak the loudest in my language of emotional support, which is you need time and space. You'll come, you'll come to me when you're ready to talk about this.

[01:00:47] And you speak to me in gushing, overflowing attention. Fixing, fixing peacemaker. That's me. So the fixing peacemaker would also like someone to fix and peacemake them. Can you do that? Probably not. Well, thanks for the honesty, babe.

[01:01:09] I mean, I can sympathize, but I can't make peace and fix the problems. Well, we're not, a lot of times we're not looking for you to fix the problems women aren't looking for you to fix. I learned that lesson earlier in marriage.

[01:01:22] We're just looking for you to listen. Just listen. You don't have to fix. You don't have to go kill anyone. You don't have to go. See, you don't have to do any of that. You just have to listen.

[01:01:33] But see, I thought men made this clear to your entire gender a long time ago when we said we would do anything for you, we were referring to like, you know, fighting armies and killing bears and maybe slaying an air and T-Rex or something, not listening to emotions.

[01:01:47] That wasn't part of the agreement. Too bad sucker. You're in this for the long haul. You better start listening to emotions. No, I've got two y'all. Hey, sorry. That's your fault. I still can, I still insist it is woman prop, woman propaganda perpetuated

[01:02:09] by the scientific community that the man picks the gender. Like that makes no sense. Anyway, it does. And you did. You had custody of her for nine months before she was born. I'm, it's my fault. Your fault. Okay. Anyway, y'all go check out the new merch.

[01:02:25] Wait, give it a couple of days for the MOF merch to drop and then we'll let you know about that too. And enjoy the rest of your weekend. Your Sunday. I go back to work on Monday.

[01:02:37] I'm excited and sad all at the same time because summer is over, but I've been in my classroom a couple of times this week to work on it. So it's going to be nice to get back to our routine.

[01:02:49] Anyway, y'all have a great rest of your weekend and I'll see you again and the rest of your Sunday. And we'll see you next week. Hopefully if I'm not dead, you'll be all right. I'll be fine. Bye, everybody. Bye guys.