Raising Values: Preparedness for the Marriage

[00:00:00] Welcome back to Raising Values. Good morning everybody. So we're not the greatest at picking topics for this show and it's just a spiff of matter of fact honestly. Like you know sometimes you just, you get to like Saturday afternoon and you're like

[00:00:46] oh my god I have to do a podcast tomorrow and I have no earthly idea what to talk about. Fortunately I was doing chores and that's usually a good catalyst for getting me thinking because I've got nothing better to do while my hands are moving.

[00:00:58] So I was, like I told Gillian yesterday just to talk to the audience, I was working through one of my weekly chores. We bought a little bit extra food and I was taking stuff that basically I was bulking

[00:01:12] up our food stock and that's a lot of like you know measuring and weighing and packaging and putting in the chest freezer. And while I was doing that my brain started kind of wandering.

[00:01:24] I started thinking about you know this is how we do preparedness with regards to make sure we have enough food if something weird happens so we can't go to the grocery store for a while.

[00:01:36] And you know there's a lot of aspects in our life because I've been really neck-deep in the preparedness game for eight plus years now. There's a lot of different ways that this is just part of our daily life is it's

[00:01:48] this constant thought of I prepare for the sunshine today. Today's the day to prepare for when the storms are coming. You know what I'm saying? And then I started thinking to myself how do I apply that to our relationship? How do I apply it?

[00:02:05] How do we apply that methodology or that thought process to marriages, to families, to relationships because I mean you know call it what it is all relationships go through periods of storms. All relationships go through periods where things are hard and things suck and there's

[00:02:25] a lot of things going on and you know everybody goes through those rough patches in their lives but how do we is there a way to armor up a relationship to get through that?

[00:02:35] I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I'm super super over the top emotional today and will probably cry through most of this podcast. When it has nothing to do with this guy here and our marriage and relationship and

[00:02:52] anything else but I mean we've both cried on this show just so that you know I will probably be a blubbering idiot today. So no I you presented this topic to me yesterday on the on the patio in the backyard and I thought it was a good one.

[00:03:11] I mean we had just done a show I stood in for Andrew this week on Matter of Facts and it was I felt like it was a really good show on preparedness and things that we

[00:03:25] as a society don't teach our children anymore and how to be prepared to adult and it was very eye-opening for you because the list that we had read off was you know some of the most basic things that you have to teach your children such as like

[00:03:44] cooking and budgeting and money management and relationship skills and how to communicate with people and you know life and the fact that the Google search are we going to get a little visitor? Our cat is right here staring at us. She's very mad today.

[00:04:06] She's she's broody because Piper is 12 almost 18 and she has turned her bedroom into a dorm room. It really does look like a dorm room. She's downsized her bed to a twin size bed and she's now has a couch which

[00:04:26] is it's basically a futon but it looks like a couch that folds down to another twin size bed and we told her that you know we were cutting it off at you cannot have a refrigerator in a microwave in this bedroom.

[00:04:41] So and the other thing that we're starting to allow her to do is she can shut her door at night when she sleeps because it's summertime she stays up a little bit later than we do and you know she has all the twinkle lights

[00:04:53] and all the all the old Christmas lights going on in her room and I need pitch black dark to sleep and so she's been closing her bed at night or her door at night. Well the cat is very pissed off at her for shutting off her bedroom.

[00:05:12] Vixi's always had an anxiety for closed doors but she especially it's almost like she tattles on Piper. She comes to me and she's like do you know that she still has her door closed and I'm trying to get in there.

[00:05:25] So and all she wants to do is jump up on that bed with Piper. Nina did you see Nina's comment. Nina I had said at the beginning it's been a very emotional week for me and today has just culminated into like overflow of emotion and it has nothing

[00:05:44] to do with this episode. It's not my fault either. It's nothing to do with this episode or anyone in particular it has something to do with something that happened this weekend and I just can't get over it. So anyway it has nothing to do with this episode.

[00:06:01] I feel like such an idiot. Anyway so the door is closed and what I was going to say was the cat was over here tattling on Piper again that her door was closed and we needed to fix that. So we totally got off.

[00:06:16] Well what I was what I was saying was you introduced this topic to me outside yesterday and it was one of those things of hey did you think of have you thought of a topic yet. I guess I was like absolutely not.

[00:06:30] I don't I have not thought of a topic and you brought this one up and how we had just done a really good show for matter of fact on preparedness for kids and that went down a rabbit hole. So anyway yeah I think no we can't.

[00:06:50] I've been trying since eight o'clock this morning to control the tears and Nina says sometimes we can't control the tears. So preparedness for marriage it sounded like you had you had quite some you

[00:07:04] know quite a few ideas about what you wanted to talk about and I was going to let you lead this one. You're probably going to have to leave this one because it seems like every time I talk I want to cry so that's fine.

[00:07:16] No man I was I was mostly like I was going I would my mind was kind of you know jumping around throughout our marriage which I always have to do the math it's not that I forgot we got married 2008 as I do the math between the 16 years together.

[00:07:34] Yeah we've been together 19 years married for 16 and my mind was jumping through all those that reasonably large span of time at this point and thinking about you know times when things were just hard you know like

[00:07:50] there was first of all there was the first year of our marriage which you and I worked both of us work full time. I was still a full time college student. We were opposite shifts and the only day off we had together was Monday.

[00:08:07] So like we literally we would go six days a week straight in a week not seeing each other awake like you would by the time you would get home from work I was already asleep because I had to get up first thing in

[00:08:19] the morning and drive to Hammond to college and then I'd go straight from straight from college by the way it like 1 1 30 in the afternoon I'd go straight to work in New Orleans and I'd work two 10 hour shifts with four

[00:08:34] hours sleep in the middle because the facility is closed for four hours. So I slept on the couch at work. Thanks Kyle he says he had to poop but he's here now and yes I'm already crying but it doesn't have anything to do with the episode.

[00:08:48] Do I say shit happens? But anyway so you know two 10 hour shifts back to back I get home about four o'clock the afternoon after I left to go to work to go to school.

[00:09:04] You know so like I would go to school on a Tuesday morning and I wouldn't come home until Wednesday afternoon and in the couple hours I had before I had to pass the hell out it was eat shower do homework and then get to sleep as

[00:09:20] fast as I could because I had to be at college first thing in the next morning. So I was by the time you got home from work I was already snoring and we

[00:09:29] did that that little routine I did twice in a twice in a week and so that 40 hours worked from Tuesday through Friday afternoon and then I'd work Saturday and Sunday. So Monday was the only day we had off to Gary's the only day we ever got

[00:09:48] spend time with each other and we made a concerted effort to not like we didn't schedule stuff on Monday. We didn't know we didn't schedule a day for us. Yeah we didn't schedule stuff with friends. We didn't go out.

[00:10:04] Monday was I am spending time with my wife and I don't care aliens land in the middle of Times Square. I don't care. This is my day with my wife. It's sacred. Nothing gets to infringe upon it.

[00:10:17] So I was thinking about that time period where like we didn't have as much time together as we wanted especially because we were newlyweds. We didn't have the optimal situation. I think either one of us would have stated but we made a point of

[00:10:33] prioritizing the time that we did have together. That's my time with my wife. Nobody else gets that. So that was like one of the things that went through my head was you know one of the ways we do preparedness for a marriage is that

[00:10:47] quality time is some people that's their primary love language. Like we talked about the five love five love language. We did an episode on that. We talked about that recently and quality time is some people's primary love language and that makes a situation like this really really difficult

[00:11:03] when quality time is at such a premium. You know I'm saying there's just there's not there's not a lot of it. So you have to put out the effort. You have to make the time you do have. It has to be sacred.

[00:11:17] It has to be put aside to spend with your spouse because if not then you are like if if I have one day off a week I'll be damned if I'm going to go spend a goofing around with my friends or doing whatever it's

[00:11:29] going to be right here you know crammed all the way up your behind until you get tired of me. Yes. OK. OK. Were you expecting a response. I thought you might have a response. Well I mean I think you said I think you said it exactly how it

[00:11:50] happened but. So I guess my question is what in regards to this episode how is that preparedness for the marriage. I would think that's our story but well but I guess the way I'm looking at it is like I've been very upfront about the fact that I've

[00:12:13] Kyle I'm not addressing that. Anyway you were right about like I feel like I feel like a marriage I feel like a marriage requires a lot of things to be successful. I feel like it requires a lot of intention and a lot of time and a lot

[00:12:29] of effort and especially because we just recently talked about the love language which is I feel like you have to make sure you're addressing those love languages in order to make sure that that bond between husband wife stays strong.

[00:12:44] And so I'm looking at if you have a lack of time available then quality time is going to have to be something you have to you still have to address it even if there's not a lot of time to give.

[00:12:54] Yeah I was talking to somebody this weekend about sorry I'm burping about how how even though my religious standpoints and my spiritual standpoints have changed in this last year that I still hold true to the idea or the notion or whatever you want to call it that my

[00:13:22] spouse still comes first in the relationship. And the example that I gave her was because eventually Piper will leave eventually Piper will find her own way and direction in this life and I will be left with this other human that I've been living

[00:13:43] with for 18 19 years and know nothing about him and know nothing about his likes and dislikes and what makes him happy and sad and things like that. And so and also to the point of this episode marriage is just it's such a kaleidoscope of different.

[00:14:07] It's just such so many facets to it and it's not just sleep in the same bed and eat at the dinner table together and call each other or track each other on their phones to make sure that they've made it to their destination.

[00:14:20] Or you know there's just so many little bitty nuances that have to be addressed and focused on just to because those little bitty things build into bigger things. I know that there are things in our marriage that I used to fight

[00:14:38] you tooth and nail when we first started dating and then especially when we first got married and they were little things to you. They were big things to me and I needed you. Fuck the tears. I needed you to focus on those things because they were important

[00:14:54] to me. I hate this. I should have just said no show today. They were important to me and it took you a while and it took some beating in your head to be like no really. You really do need to focus on these things. They are there.

[00:15:12] They're a blip in your radar but they are you know a mountain in mine. And so I was I think that's again we don't have a perfect marriage. We certainly don't have a perfect life and we don't have a perfect family.

[00:15:27] But it was it was in those moments when you finally were like OK I really do need to focus on these things and those blips for you grew to more than just a blip. The mountains took over for me because it was like I'm getting

[00:15:45] I guess really know the mountains decreased because now those mountains were getting attention and the things I needed from you they kind of you know leveled out and equalized and things like that. I'm using good words. I don't know how I'm using good words but I'm hoping you're

[00:16:04] following me. Anyway so I think it was those things in our marriage. I don't think we knew what we were doing. I don't think most people when they get married know what they're doing when they have children they don't know what

[00:16:18] they're doing but somehow we stumbled onto this this track of realizing that we have to take care of each other's emotional needs and physical needs and all those you know we have to leave ourselves behind for just a second especially

[00:16:37] if we really do love our spouse and tend to those things and you know tend to that all of those things. And somehow like I said we stumbled on to that little track and it has done wonders for our marriage. You know we've talked in previous interviews about

[00:16:57] our marriage. You know we've talked in previous episodes that we've only we've only talked about divorce one time and that was right after Piper was born and it was I was not in a good place and we've never talked about it again but it

[00:17:14] wasn't because I well maybe it was but it wasn't because needs weren't being met. It was because I wasn't the same person and I was giving up on everything. Yeah. I mean from my per. Thank you for talking. I need you to talk now.

[00:17:29] Well and I'm glad you went that direction because I wanted to get there and it relates to that comment that Kyle had that I start because I want to make sure I didn't lose it. I want to go back and address it like at that at

[00:17:42] that point our marriage needs are not getting that but like my perspective at that point our marriage which you know that was very very deep into postpartum. I want to say it was about two years into it. Yeah it was at least a year and a half. Yeah.

[00:18:01] So I mean it was you know I went into fatherhood maybe naively but maybe just people didn't talk about this a lot with our generation. But like you know I went into this very naively like well postpartum baby blues had last couple weeks and

[00:18:16] they bounce out of it. Like that's what I thought. That's what you're always told. And I could go on that rant but postpartum it's just not talked about. And so we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.

[00:18:29] But after a year and a half which you know I'd been very supportive. I didn't understand what was going on but I was very much in the guise of like this is what my wife needs. She needs me to make sure that she's taking care

[00:18:42] of our child is taken care of. I'm trying to take pressure off of her. And I felt like right now what my wife needs is supportive husband. And then I got to a point where I was just kind of like pulling back and looking at things and I'm

[00:18:55] like she's not fighting. She's not pushing to get better. She's not pushing. She's giving up. And that was the moment which yeah I sat down and I said do you want this marriage or not. And I told them it's the only time we ever talked about divorce.

[00:19:12] It's the thing you've heard me tell you and other people before. If you want to fight I'll fight as hard as you will. I'm not fighting this by myself. I'm not fighting to keep this marriage by myself because it wasn't even like if you quit that

[00:19:26] I'm quitting in a spiteful way. It was if you quit the marriage is gone. There there is no way one of us is going to keep this going. It's not how it works. So I don't ever want to feel like I gave you

[00:19:37] an ultimatum because it wasn't my intention but it really was just a very simple are you done. Because if you're if you're done with this marriage I've got some decisions to make. I think too. I do like Kyle's comment and you haven't read

[00:19:54] it yet and I don't know if that's because you don't want to address it just yet. Like you're trying to get to a point. I'm going that way so I won't read it yet either. I think it's again again with regards to the

[00:20:07] name of this episode preparedness for the marriage. If I could write a book which maybe one day I will. I don't know. I always wanted to write so many books and then that's just no I'd rather read a book in my chair instead of write a book but

[00:20:24] writing writing books just like reading one just in reverse. Oh that's right. You're an author. Slip my mind for a second. I know I got to think about what I was going to say. Oh I know what I was going to say. Oh without reading Kyle's comment but

[00:20:45] where I think our generation falls into a trap and where we are trying to break generational curses of all sorts of things you know. We are trying to break generational curses of raising our child. And but there are general generational curses that children see in their parents

[00:21:08] marriage or their grandparents marriages or you know whatever they there are things that children are exposed to relationship wise as they grow up. And like what I said on the Matter of Facts episode was without knowing but kind of being conscious of it I was

[00:21:30] continuously taking making a list of things that I wanted in a marriage and I didn't want in a marriage based on what I was seeing from my parents. There's a meme that goes around that says give grace to your parents because they

[00:21:44] were only doing what they knew how to do at that moment. And I look at that and I think yes. But on the other hand I look at that and go no because when I became a parent there was absolutely no rulebook

[00:22:05] or how to or anything else kind of have to do with that. How to or anything else kind of had to just figure it out on our own. And that's what one of the things Kyle said in the comments was that they adopted

[00:22:15] and they were both lost and he was terrified. And I know that I know what that feeling of being terrified is of just getting out of your bed was terrifying for me. Hearing her cry was terrifying for me. But one of the generational curses

[00:22:34] and I'm not I know your mom and dad watch this and so this is not directed toward you mom and dad. But one of the things that we saw with the greatest generation and then the baby boomers and all that stuff was this disconnect of husband and wife.

[00:22:54] You know a lot of times the husband was out of the house because they worked moms stayed home and raised the children and all that stuff. And then there was this disconnect of love and affection and needs being met. And there was such a pressure.

[00:23:09] I mean there were books and magazines published about how women should act and what to do in the household to treat their husband this way. And you know there was there's a list that was in a magazine of make sure that his slippers are ready and

[00:23:24] his dinner is ready and do all these things. I think it was from the 1950s. Yeah 1950s and 60s I'm sure. But I think our generation and this is oh again I hope what we're doing is laying it all out. We're not being quiet husband or

[00:23:46] wife being quiet in what our needs are and what we need from each other. And I think that if I were to write a book that would be one of the first things I talk about is to be completely honest and open one because neither male or female

[00:24:02] or female female male male are mind readers. I can get that in writing. No. Right right there. You never know when it might happen and I have to test to see if maybe today's the day that you have become a mind reader going to disappoint yourself quite

[00:24:22] a lot. So anyway what I guess I'm trying to say is I think it's super important for a spouse to be completely open and honest and not set an expectation for the other spouse to know what those needs are for that person.

[00:24:44] And that is what got us through the D word was a breakdown of me being so self-absorbed in this is my problem. You can't fix this. I was so lost in this dark hole and all I really needed to do was build steps of what I needed

[00:25:05] from you to help me out of this hole. And it was it was hard for me to express those things. But once I did we were able to walk through that together because now I wasn't relying on I wasn't so much in that period.

[00:25:25] Maybe this isn't a good example to use but in that period I wasn't so much hurt because you weren't meeting my needs because you didn't know what my needs were. I just didn't know where to turn because everything was just so dark and you know I

[00:25:39] hated everything about life. But that is something that I hope young people who are getting married understand is that you can't just think that your spouse is going to know. And the other thing is you change so a person changes so much in a marriage.

[00:26:03] We kind of joke but kind of not joke that Phil is not married to the same person that he married in 2008. In fact it's not a joke it's an absolute truth and I don't know if I would say 180 degrees different but I'm at least 150

[00:26:18] pretty close of the person that he married in 2008. He's not he hasn't changed a whole lot except that he's calmed down a little bit. He's less quick to anger. But married has taught me patience. Patience there you go. Yeah so having a daughter has taught me patience twice.

[00:26:42] So where did you want to go with Kyle's comment. All right. So Kyle's comment was do you think there's more pressure on a marriage now than ever before. And that's what I was trying to get out without Phil's thunder. I actually don't think so.

[00:26:57] No but well but here's here's the reason I say that. I feel like in previous generations there was pressure to keep the marriage together. There was societal pressure. There is pressure from like any any any organized religion out there is going to put pressure on that marriage to

[00:27:16] stay together. Most families back then put pressure on marriages to stay together like the expectation was if you get married and especially if you have kids you two are going to sit there and figure this out because you're splitting up over stupid stuff. You know I'm saying.

[00:27:32] And I feel like what's happened is that over the years that pressure has disappeared. We've become a much more secular society with less emphasis on religion or spirituality at all. We because of family because of the divorce rate escalating with every successful generation. Like your pay if your

[00:27:52] parents are divorced you're more likely you're more likely to be divorced but that's probably also because your parents aren't going to sit there and say hey you really need work it out with your husband. They're going to be like oh f that guy you go get a

[00:28:02] divorce take him to the cleaners. And society has got has gone from has gone from a point where like you know I can remember getting pregnant at a wedlock and single motherhood. Like it was a terrifying prospect for women and now it's almost celebrated.

[00:28:22] Yeah it is now I would say 20 years ago still like 90s because I can remember my my older sister came home pregnant and then my younger not my younger my twin sister came home pregnant and I don't know I attribute the discussions that were had.

[00:28:43] I'm going to just put that lightly as discussions that were had were because of the way that my parents were raised more so my mother than my father and the people the preachers who were brought in to discuss the salvation of my sisters because they had gotten

[00:29:08] pregnant out of wedlock and then oh gosh this is a whole other episode. Those things were still active that's what I'm trying to say in the 90s because Phoebe came home pregnant in 98 well 90s yeah 98 because Bailey was born in 98 and then Gabriel came home pregnant

[00:29:29] in 2001 because Joshua was born in 2002 she walked across the graduation stage pregnant with a new last name we didn't graduate sitting next to each other because she was already married at 17 which was worked out for them. They're still married they have three beautiful children and a grandchild

[00:29:49] now but notice I'm going I'm going to make an assumption about your twin sisters husband's family just because I don't know for sure but I'm going to make an assumption that there's a ton of pressure in that family to keep the marriage together working out no matter what.

[00:30:05] Like divorce is so yeah divorce just reading the tea leaves and he's welcome to correct me if I'm wrong I don't think divorce is a happy subject in that family like and within their religion it is I believe near next to unheard of. So again with them I

[00:30:21] don't know if anyone in that religion you know within that family that I know that have been divorced so I guess what I'm saying is that within that if we take that one couple as a microcosm there's all this pressure to keep the marriage together and then

[00:30:35] marriage to stay together but then in other. Go ahead. Well but then in other in other in other married couples if there's not that pressure to stay together then I'm not going to say the marriage does come apart but it's much more likely to come apart and like

[00:30:50] understand that I'm not saying that some marriages shouldn't come apart. Like if there's a if there's abuse of some and see whenever we get into this subject and I really want to get back to the topic but we keep getting no we keep we keep going down rabbit

[00:31:06] holes but it's fine. But like whenever we get into a topic of abuse when it comes to marriage I I I struggle because I hear some things referred to as abuse that I just don't think are abuse and I think it's some some bull crap somebody

[00:31:21] made up to justify the fact that they just don't want to put in the effort to stay married. But that's a whole another episode we've got to we got to start writing this down we've come up with two great topics just sitting here talking.

[00:31:32] What was the first one which everyone you talked about where you said that's a whole nother topic generational curses I don't know if I want that to I don't know if I want to air dirty family laundry out. Maybe one day when we can change our names

[00:31:48] and you know names have been changed to protect the innocent. She cares much more than I do because I look at it as if I witnessed it it's fair game. I know everybody tells me because we have these these talks outside of the podcast with people you know

[00:32:04] where there's there's no recorded evidence but I mean I it's no secret I came from an abusive household and I well I would like not like but I tend to think that the abuse is still ongoing in some aspects of my life because I freaking allow it.

[00:32:26] Yes I know that's anyway that's a third topic. I'm not doing very good today. But anyway I there's there's a there's a lot to unpack there. I don't know if I'm ready to unpack that in such a public place. That's fair. But I guess what I'm

[00:32:45] saying is that you know to answer Kyle's question no I don't think there's I think there's less pressure on marriage but I think the problem is that the pressure used to be to work it out to put in the effort like if you and your

[00:32:58] husband or wife are struggling like the two of you need to come together and figure out what's lacking what's missing what needs work. The pressure was to keep the marriage together and that pressure is gone. So now I feel like the divorce rates gone through the ceiling

[00:33:12] because it's just quicker and easier to go to go to divorce court screw the other person for half the you know for half for whichever whichever. OK so let's let's start off with this. The ugly truth of the matter is is that usually the person who initiates divorces

[00:33:31] and is in the position of making less money. Is that statistically statistically now statistically is mostly women. Why so that they can take their husbands to court and get all their money that they feel like they're due. I don't know. I don't know. Statistically the partner

[00:33:48] making least making less money is usually the one that initiates divorce and statistically that's usually women. OK so however you want to boil those statistics down is up to y'all. I'm just telling you that that's what the statistics say you can't argue with facts. I don't think so.

[00:34:05] It's just going back to statistics and then also going back to the topic. I gave an example of one of our friends who as a child grew up in a very poor home and often went without meals and things like that. And so as she became

[00:34:20] an adult she started to get into the preparedness lifestyle so that she would not be without and her children wouldn't be without and you know all those things. I I can't imagine that me and my sisters are is in the enigma. Is that the right word.

[00:34:40] We're this just special three special people who saw what we went through as children and then broke it and said not for me. Like I've been there done that kind of like our friend. OK you can't you can't include Phoebe's active addition years. No I'm not including

[00:34:59] specific cases I'm looking at again statistically. People breaking generational curses is the exception to the rule. I'm not saying it's one in a million but I am saying statistically it happens less often than OK so we are an enigma. I don't want to say an enigma.

[00:35:17] I'm saying that like OK give you a perfect example when you and I first got together you I don't want to say you were a hitter because it's not like you were ever hitting me. I was a hitter. Well but not with the intention of hurting me.

[00:35:29] I guess is my point. Right. I would like slap you for whatever reason. And there was a time when we were dating where I caught your hand and I said I love you dearly. You're never going to hit me again. Yeah. Again to me and I wasn't

[00:35:44] and I wasn't even angry that you were hitting me. I mean let's call it what it is. I'm a big enough guy that you have to you would have to really go out of your way to try to hurt me. But to me I

[00:35:55] and again this also comes from like my perspective on dating. I never I don't I never dated recreationally except for a very small period of my life. I would tell me that not he didn't use that words. But I remember before you came home from Iraq

[00:36:09] and I had met your parents and your dad had we were sitting at the pool table in the living room and your dad said something to the effect because I can't remember word for word. But he said something like you know he's a he's a one woman guy.

[00:36:23] He's he's not he's not going to go off and find another woman if he's committed to you. And I was like I'm thinking to myself I'm just meeting this man and I haven't even met his son yet. And we're in this relationship quote unquote and I'm like OK

[00:36:41] he's a one woman guy. And yet here we are almost 20 years later. So maybe he dad didn't lie. Maybe he saw maybe he saw things for the way they were. Maybe he did. I don't know. But I guess my perspective is you know just like

[00:36:57] you were always auditioning to be my wife. You were always auditioning to be the mother of my children. And if you hadn't if I didn't feel like you were going to be that person I would have I wouldn't put any effort into the relationship because it's time wasted

[00:37:10] at that point to me. And that's why the hitting to me had to end because I was like I'm not going to allow my daughter to grow up and to grow up in a household or son. I didn't know that time. I'm not going to allow my child

[00:37:23] to grow up in a household where mom and dad hit each other even in jest because it excuses that behavior. And I look at I looked at it again. I have I have that 30,000 foot perspective on a lot of things. If this was my daughter

[00:37:37] I don't ever want her to grow up thinking it's OK for her husband to slap her around. If it's my son I don't ever want him to think it's OK for him to slap his wife around. It's not OK. And that's why you know to make

[00:37:51] to draw an analogy like when Piper was young we never had toy guns in his house. Right. No. All guns are real guns because like I have firearms in the house. Piper got her first gun safety speech when she was four, I think. When I bought. No.

[00:38:07] Was it? No, it was like three because there's that picture of you and her out at. Oh, yeah. At a pop-off is where she's shooting her BB gun or 22 or whatever. My 22. Your 22. I was. She was little bitty. I have an arm.

[00:38:20] She couldn't even hold the gun up. I know I was holding it and basically letting her pull the trigger. But regardless, that's within this house. It was always very strict. There are no toy guns in this house because every gun is a real gun.

[00:38:33] And for the same reason, there's never play hitting. Hitting is always hitting. And I was not willing to break to cross that line because you can't explain that to a three or four year old that will this hitting when I when I when I did that to mom,

[00:38:50] that was OK. But if I rear back and slugger, that's not OK. Like kids just see hitting. But you grew up in a household where there was hitting and so hitting didn't. Everyone hit. So you dad hit each other and mom and dad hit us

[00:39:07] and then I would hit my sisters and my sisters would hit me. I mean, there were sibling. I think you kind of have to excuse the sibling thing. I think siblings, they hit each other. Yeah. I had a twin sister and an older sister

[00:39:20] who was five years old, who? Really quick segue again. My older sister, who's my best friend and I love dearly, used to tell me two things and I believed her until I was probably six or seven years old. She used to tell me that

[00:39:36] being my me and Gabriel, my twin sister, were not twins. We were born on the same day, but mom and dad bought me from gypsies on the side of the road. And it was because she might my Nana, who is Sicilian, she's first generation American.

[00:39:54] Her parents came over from Sicily. My Nana used to tell us when she would get mad at us or upset with us, I'm going to sell you back to the gypsies. Well, my my older sister took that and ran with it. And she's like,

[00:40:07] I remember her sitting me down one day and I was so mad at her and she was mad at me. And she goes, You know, mom and dad bought you from gypsies, right? She really did. She bought you from gypsies on the side of the road.

[00:40:16] And I'm just going to tell Nana to sell you back to the gypsies. And I was devastated because I wasn't. Obviously, my parents weren't my parents and my sisters weren't my sisters and I was a gypsy. And anyway, maybe there's something to it. I don't know. But anyway,

[00:40:35] my point was you grew up in a household where hitting was commonplace and therefore when you met me, it wasn't it wasn't a blip on your radar until I was I was like, no, not OK. We're not doing this. And I very I very OK.

[00:40:49] But I very simply explained to you, I do want me to hit you back because I'm a lot stronger you were the first one. And like Nina in the comments said that she was a hitter, too, with a previous boyfriend. And that's why he broke up with her.

[00:41:00] Well, I can remember my first boyfriend, my first serious boyfriend. I was a hitter and I hit him. And it was just it wasn't anything. I do want to put a disclaimer, another one out there to your parents that I do not hit your son.

[00:41:16] No, because I did hit him. It wasn't like I gave him black eye. I hit him. It was a slap on the arm or whatever. It was something physical that was not malicious. It wasn't no, it wasn't malicious. I didn't hit you because

[00:41:33] I was mad at you or anything like that. I just hit you. But yeah, it was that moment that you were like, would you want me to do that to you? And I was like, oh, no, because you probably knocked me the hell out.

[00:41:44] And conversely, I grew up in a household. Now, yeah, my brother and I fought like cats and dogs, but show me two siblings that don't. But like my I never saw my parents hitting each other. My parents, I mean, I got spanked when I was a kid.

[00:41:57] Yeah, but spankings were different. Yeah, but my parents never like slapped me across the face or punched me in the nose or any of that crazy stuff. I grew up in a household where like if you're hitting somebody, it is A, because you're defending yourself

[00:42:11] and B, you're not hitting them to hurt them. You're hitting them to like cripple them. You're hitting. Hitting is not an act of I'm angry at you. Hitting is you're trying to hurt me and I'm about to remove your ability to hurt me permanently if necessary.

[00:42:27] So to me, hitting was like hitting was not something done in jest. It wasn't something done for fun. It was, you know, it was it had a it had a different connotation than the one you grew up with, which is why I told you I'm like,

[00:42:42] we're not doing this. We're no, this is this is not what I want. Did you know then that I was that I had come from an abusive home? No, I mean, the moment I knew your parents were divorced, that was a red flag to me.

[00:42:57] They were divorced when we got together. Yes. Oh yeah, they were. Just that's right. Just the simple fact that your parents were divorced was a red flag to me, though, because like, again, just gotten divorced. Hyper hyper rational statistical Phil knows that, you know, the

[00:43:11] the chance of getting a divorce is infinitely high is several times higher if your parents are divorced. And then they got remarried, but they should have stayed divorced. That's another that's a fourth. You know what? That needs to be an episode. Maybe it's time that I just,

[00:43:26] you know, vomit all of this trauma. But back to the topic. Back to the topic. I was actually on on a I was saying something. Oh, sorry. No. So our friend, she became a prepper in things like food, water, rash, you know, all those like

[00:43:46] when you think of prepper, that's what she became a prepper and got into this lifestyle because of the childhood that she was raised in. And I haven't talked too much in depth about her childhood with her, but I would imagine that she wasn't in that position

[00:44:03] and her parents weren't in that position because they put themselves there. I just think that they probably grew up in a poor community. They were they didn't make a lot of money. And that's what happened. I don't know all the ins and outs of it,

[00:44:16] but I can also kind of take. So she became a prepper because of those things. I became a prepper in my marriage because of the marriage that was shown to me in my life because of the household that I grew up in and watching my parents

[00:44:37] and watching all the abuse and all that stuff. It became a tick box of things that I want and do not want. And it's kind of strange to think back on how young I was making this list. I was probably I probably started around seven watching the abuse.

[00:44:58] And I can I actually remember a time in my life watching my parents thinking this isn't right. This isn't how this isn't how people who love each other are supposed to treat each other. Now, that's not what I said to my seven year old self.

[00:45:13] It was probably more of, well, Prince Charming doesn't treat Cinderella like that. So you had an alternative example, in other words, maybe a Disney Princess version of it. You know, girl born in the 80s had an alternative example. We had Cinderella and Snow White and Sleeping Beauty

[00:45:30] and, you know, thank you, Disney, for setting unrealistic expectations. And yes, absolutely. They were unrealistic expectations. And I think some girls fall into that trap. But the the giant contrast that I had and I'm not saying that my house didn't have love. It did have love in it.

[00:45:51] There were moments of, you know, bright and cheerfulness and everyone loved each other. It was those dark moments that came that were just terrifying. But I I I did have other people. Damn, now I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about other married couples

[00:46:14] that I saw as a child. And those weren't great either. So I don't know how I got to this place. Maybe I just looked at Cinderella and Prince Charming and thought, surely they don't hit each other. Surely they don't yell at each other. Surely they don't

[00:46:31] pretend to go to church and, you know, act like the fight didn't happen in the car and somebody kicked the other one out to start walking home. And surely those things don't happen for Prince Charming and Cinderella. And I don't know, maybe maybe I need to do

[00:46:49] a bigger self reflection on the beginning of our marriage and the beginning of our relationship. And maybe it was you that was like, no, this isn't how this works. That is like the hitting. This isn't how this works. You don't hit me. This isn't this isn't

[00:47:06] love of a spouse kind of thing. Yeah. What were you saying? You were pointing to yourself. Yeah, it was me. I'm the one that taught you. It's you. You're the problem. It's you. I didn't say you were the problem. But I didn't hit you. I just nut you.

[00:47:21] I didn't hit you. I don't hit you. I'm going to nudge her as soon as the camera is off. OK, how do we tie that whole 20 minutes back into this? Well, that's what I'm saying is I I saw what I saw as a child,

[00:47:39] just like our friend saw what she saw as a child and decided that this was how she was going to steer her life and prepare for a marriage or prepare for not having food and things like that. And so that is how I'm tying it into this is

[00:47:55] it's not just it's it starts way before the marriage actually happens. I got it. Go ahead. No, that's that's what you prepared for your marriage by learning from the mistakes of others. Yes, and maybe even learning from past mistakes we've made. Like you originally

[00:48:15] you brought up previous boyfriends. But originally you brought up like, you know how well, but a lot of things we talked about, though, it's been like, you know, I wasn't necessarily meeting your needs because I didn't I just didn't know to put a priority on those things.

[00:48:29] And Kyle, because of his comment, my cut says I like his beard and Kyle's comment says none of the Prince Charming's had a beard. That's right. None of them did. Her Prince Charming is, you know, maybe part Viking. He's a he's a woodland gnome. I don't know.

[00:48:47] I mean, Andrew says I look like Gimli would if he was full grown. It's true. But so there's there's learning from others like learning from other people to submit mistakes and learning from our own. And that is certainly a component of preparedness because, you know,

[00:49:04] how many times how many times have you and I had to deal with something and then look back on it and be like, you know, if we'd done this ahead of time, that would have made this a lot easier to deal with. Trees on house Hurricane Ida chainsaw

[00:49:16] that whole that whole discussion all over again. Right. Or, you know, we look at things like I mean, the whole idea of preparedness isn't just prepare for a bad time tomorrow, but it's also to like do self reflection and say, I agree, I screwed this up.

[00:49:35] This could have been done better. Let's do this better next time. And I feel like that's a lot of what you just talked about. It's, you know, you looked at other marriages around you and you said that's good. That sucks. And you put everything into two categories.

[00:49:49] And then when you came into this marriage, you said this is all the stuff I want. This is all the stuff I don't. And I had my own list for you. Like I was very very I feel like I was very direct with you about like I want

[00:50:03] I want a marriage where we are affectionate to each other, especially in front of my child, because I don't want her to ever grow up in a household where like her parents are cold or indifferent to each other. I don't want her to

[00:50:13] I don't want her to grow up and see that's normal. Right. Because it shouldn't be. I want to be I mean, I'm not going to lie. The other day where I was kissing you in the kitchen with my hand on your butt and that girl rolled her eyes,

[00:50:25] walked into her bedroom and shut the door. Happiest moment of one of the happiest moments of my life, because I want her to be like, God, they're kissing each other again because I want that memory crystallized in her head that way. If she ever meets a boy

[00:50:40] that she cares about, she understands that is the way husband and wife are supposed to act together. I don't want her to grow up with the expectation that we're just roommates in a house together. That's done anyway. I digress. But so there's that. There's I was very particular

[00:51:00] about the fact that like we're not going to be abusive to each other physically. Period. In discussion, we're not going to try to manipulate each other because that was something I had suffered from every single one of my ex girlfriends ahead of you.

[00:51:15] And I just was not prepared to tolerate it at all. I was very big on honesty because I feel like honesty is the bedrock for a good relationship. And, you know, there was some lesser items, but one thing that attracted me to you was when I saw you,

[00:51:34] I'm like, OK, here's a woman who's fairly independent, like not so independent that like you you can't allow yourself to rely on me or you can't allow yourself to lean on me when you need me. But if I have to go out of town for a week,

[00:51:48] I don't expect to come home and find the house burnt to the ground. I don't come home and expect like the child to be running around butt naked and there to be piles of laundry everywhere. Like you're capable of just handling stuff like a grown ass adult

[00:52:01] for a little while, even the things I normally do. You just understand that, hey, right now, my husband needs me to step up. I'm a step up. And those were all things that were super important to me that they were non-negotiable. Like these have to be this way.

[00:52:16] And I feel like you came into the marriage with that with a list yourself. But both of those lists were based on looking at other marriages and be like, I don't want that. Yeah. But another thing I think we can talk about when it comes to

[00:52:30] preparedness for marriages, you know, we started off talking about when we're in a period where the thing we need or the thing we need from our spouses and short supply, you just have to do your best to, you know, communicate that. Well, you have to do

[00:52:46] your best to communicate that. But you also have to do your best to like what what is much of a limited resource as it is, you need to prioritize it. Like if it's quality time, we only have one day off together.

[00:52:57] That's going to be our one day together because that's all that's all I can give you. But I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you intentionally. But can we apply that if we know we're going into a period

[00:53:08] where there's going to be. A storm. Like I've been very upfront with you, and I think I don't feel like many people would fight me on this, but like I believe that one of the ways to trying to think of a way to say this,

[00:53:26] where it doesn't make having children sound like a war zone, but quite frankly, it can be adding children to a marriage is stress. A lot of stress. Yes, it's stress that I feel like is totally worth it. I love being a father. I love my daughter dearly,

[00:53:44] but it's stress and there's no way there's no way to not make it stress. But I'm also very intentional about the fact that I feel like marriages that survive that stress, a lot of times they they delay having children even just a year or two.

[00:53:58] Like go on the honeymoon, come home, spend time together, be able to walk around the house in your underwear. Just you need that time where it's just the two of you to really bond together to make it through what's going to potentially be a few months

[00:54:13] or a few years of just. Hard matter of fact, I was someone was I was doing my Reddit crawl, which I try to stay off Reddit as much as possible because it's filth. But there's a couple of communities that I keep in touch with through there,

[00:54:30] like the night vision community and so on and so forth. And there was somebody who is talking about they had a they I think they were they just had a child two months ago and just husband and wife fighting like cats and dogs

[00:54:44] because the child's up every two hours and the wife's exhausted and the husband isn't getting sleep and he's working and she's staying home. Mom just yada yada yada. And I thought to myself, I'm like, I remember that time when Piper was little. That was that was rough.

[00:54:57] She was up every couple hours. Neither one of us was getting a lot of sleep and you were dealing with postpartum. And it's just it was a hard time for the two of us. But I think to myself, I'm like, I feel like we charged into that time

[00:55:11] we knew was going to be hard because we had a couple of years where it was just the two of us, where there weren't as many responsibilities and we didn't have a child screaming at two o'clock in the morning because she was hungry.

[00:55:23] We had that time to like knit that relationship together tighter. I feel like there's times when I know every year in the two weeks before school starts and in the two weeks before school ends, you are going to be stressed to the max. It's about to come up.

[00:55:43] You're gonna be stressed to the max. I'm already stressed. You're gonna be running around like a chicken with your head cut off because you got a lot of responsibilities and a short amount of time to get done. And I look at that and I think, okay,

[00:55:56] I know she's gonna be distant. I know she's gonna be stressed out. I know her temper is gonna be a little shorter than usual. Like I know all these things. So then what can the two of us do as a married couple to like...

[00:56:09] What can the two of us do Well, what can the two of us do as a married couple to mitigate all of your stress? And what can we do to prepare the two of us for it? You know what I'm saying? That's the vein I'm thinking in.

[00:56:24] Are you asking for an answer right now? Well, I'm asking for a conversation. Oh, well, I... Okay. I was listening, I promise. But I don't know an answer to that right now because I don't know what it's gonna be like in two weeks. Take me to the beach?

[00:56:45] What you're doing. Okay, so you spend quality time ahead of time while you have the time. I mean, I just know that I'm gonna be who I am in those two weeks before school starts. And once the kids come back, it's a good month before

[00:57:04] I'm able to kind of just take a deep breath because... I guess just know that my attitude, my attitude... Shut up, Phil. Those things aren't directed at you and you didn't cause those things. It's just a stressful time. I mean, I could go back to corporate

[00:57:32] and not just have a two week or a month period of stressful time and just have a whole 12 months of stressful. If that's what you want. No. I know. And I honestly, I mean, I would hope that you can say

[00:57:50] that the stress that I have as a teacher is not nearly as stressful as it was when I was doing nonprofits and things like that. It's not. So what I'm hearing is communication during... Or, or, or. Because you know I shut down.

[00:58:07] I shut down and I don't speak and I kind of, yes, give me grace. That's what Nina said, give me grace. I'm always looking for grace. I always need grace. I needed grace from the listeners at the beginning of this episode because I couldn't stop crying.

[00:58:26] So yes, give me grace and just know that it's not... It wasn't created by you, although you might actually throw some things in for the stress. And it's not directed towards you. And if it is, if I do take it out on you, I'm sorry in advance.

[00:58:47] I am preparing, keyword, our marriage for the beginning of school. That's how we end the show. If you don't see Phil in September at Prepper Camp, then it was a hard start to the school year for Gillian. Not really. It's really not gonna be a hard year.

[00:59:08] This has been the most chaotic episode we've done on the show. It really has. And I know, I hope somebody got something out of this show because this has been a really weird show. And that's me that I didn't start off in a good mindset.

[00:59:22] And I did listen to you this last time, but I kind of did just... I was thinking of something else and I don't remember what it was now. So there's your conversation. Anyway, say something. Something. Anyway. Get married they said. It'll be fun they said.

[00:59:44] I am glad that my sister showed up in the comments because Phoebe, we talked about you earlier in this episode and not a bad way. All good things. All good things. So, I don't know. I think we've done a pretty good job

[00:59:59] of talking about the topic that you brought up. Did you get all the points across that you wanted to? I think that all the points just got scattered. I did too. We tend to go down rabbit holes a lot, which is okay.

[01:00:15] And we tend to repeat ourselves in some of the episodes, which is also okay. But this is what you get because we don't script this out. It just kind of evolves. Yeah, you didn't have any banners this time. I know. Which is fine. It worked. We did okay.

[01:00:30] Anyway. Anyway. So yeah, I think that in the same vein that I used the preparedness mindset to try to prepare our family for a period of hard times to guard against our physical needs not getting met, I just think we need to find ways

[01:00:49] to integrate that into our relationships and our marriages. Like I think we need to look at and consider our marriage and our relationships in a lot of the same vein as like, this is a thing that I cannot allow to be harmed. So what can I do today

[01:01:09] so that it'll weather a storm tomorrow? Or there was a storm yesterday, what do I have to do to repair it today? Where do I put this effort in to keep this thing going? Because as Kyle pointed out, I don't feel like there's near as much pressure

[01:01:25] to keep a marriage together today. I feel like quite the opposite. I feel like there's a lot of social incentive to break up marriages. That is one of the things, I don't know if you caught that comment that he said, if you'll scroll up, I can read it.

[01:01:40] And because of this comment, I agree with him. Keep going, that one right there. He said, I think with social media, marriage is harder. People only post the good things, never the bad things. People get caught up thinking life is like that 24 seven. True. When I had Piper,

[01:02:01] social media wasn't really a thing, like super big thing yet. And if it was, then I wasn't on it because I didn't have the phone capability to really be on social media. But what I did do was I read a lot of blogs

[01:02:14] and read it and things like that. And I had to stop reading those things because all of them together screamed at me that I was not a good mom. I was not a fit mom. I wasn't doing the best. I wasn't breastfeeding. I wasn't doing this.

[01:02:32] And she slept in the bed with us. And oh my God, she should be learning how to self soothe and all this other stuff. And so I got caught up in the social media or the social hype of how to be the best mom you can be

[01:02:47] when all I really needed is someone to be like, she's alive, you're alive, you're doing great. You aced it today, mom. You're doing great. And I agree with Kyle that those same pressures on social media do affect people's marriages because the grass is always greener.

[01:03:10] The grass is always greener. There are so many people that maybe, I'm gonna say this, but then this probably isn't the right thing to say. They don't have the common sense to see that this is fake. Like everything on social media is fake.

[01:03:25] The things that I post on Facebook are a snippet of our life. And most of the time, it is all good things. It is all happy things. It's all happy times in our life. It's all the fun adventures that we go on and all that stuff.

[01:03:41] I don't post the dark things. I don't post why I've been in the bathroom crying for the last two hours or why Phil and I are fighting today because we do fight or just not as much. Why I'm so down today

[01:03:56] because I just don't feel adequate as a mother or being a mother of a teenager. That's a show. That's a series of shows. So I fall into that whole thing of only posting the happy moments, but I also don't look at other people's social medias

[01:04:20] and think that their life is only good, that they only have these wonderful things happening because when they're not posting, that's when life is happening. That's when everyone is going through the trials and tribulations of being a conscious meat sack on this rock curdling through space.

[01:04:41] We're all going through all those things. But nobody wants to post the bad. Why would we post the bad? Because then we have to focus on the bad because then once you post the bad, then you have people commenting on the bad.

[01:04:53] And then they judge you for the bad. And nobody wants to be judged. And so, yeah, people are gonna post just the good. And me and Phil continue to say on this show, we do not have a perfect marriage. We do not have a perfect relationship together.

[01:05:11] We're not perfect parents. We don't have a perfect household. You have a perfect husband. Fuck. And I have to mark this one explicit now. Right, I didn't say it. I just said, anyway, because I don't feel like, just like talking about my childhood.

[01:05:34] I don't want to put all those things out there. One, because they're hard to talk about. It's hard to talk about that we don't get along 24 seven. It's hard to really talk about that. You know, when you eat on Dewey sausage,

[01:05:47] I don't wanna be 20 feet from you or I took him, Dewey sausage away from him. No, you can have it just when I go out of town for a few days. We just people, that's just people. That's just how we do it.

[01:06:05] We just don't post the bad things. And I think a lot of times people don't post the bad things because they don't wanna be reminded of the bad things and not everything is a bad thing. Just some things, I don't know.

[01:06:17] I think a lot of it stems more from just people don't wanna be judged and social media is a judgy place. And I, but regardless, no, Karl Rabelais, I don't have the perfect wife. And if she says she is then

[01:06:35] I think he was getting to the point of you saying, but you have the perfect husband. So if I have the perfect husband, you have the perfect wife. Your reaction did not indicate that you have the perfect husband. Yes, he does have the perfect wife, dad.

[01:06:55] Anyway, what were you saying? I was saying that we need to wrap this up. Oh yeah, cause Phil has to go record another show for matter of facts. Anyway. It's gonna be a long day. I just thought that that question, I mean that comment needed to be addressed

[01:07:08] because I agree with Kyle on that. I think the things that we saw as children growing up and then the things we see on social media, there's so much to filter through. And we just have to be very aware of what is going to help your marriage.

[01:07:32] And if it means getting off social media completely, then you need to do that. If it means stop comparing yourselves to other couples, then you need to do that. If it means that if you have one night or one day in the week to spend quality time

[01:07:47] with your spouse, then you absolutely better take advantage of that one day and make it count. You just have to make things count. Yeah. Is that a good wrap up? I actually wrapped up a show. I don't ever do that. Okay. All right guys.

[01:08:04] So because Phil has other things to do and friends to be with, I'm joking. Is it gonna be a live show? I don't think so. Okay, so you can't watch it until you hear it on Friday. We haven't scheduled it. We don't even have a topic.

[01:08:19] Oh, well, welcome to raising values. All right, so I hope you have a great rest of your weekend and your Sunday and we'll see you back here next week, I'm pretty sure. I think, yeah, we will. Maybe. If we can think of a topic. All right, bye y'all.

[01:08:39] Thank you so much for watching or listening.