Raising Values: The Five Love Languages

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values podcast through Patreon.

[00:00:15] The Langilian are behind the mic and we hope you enjoy the show. Welcome back to the Raising Values podcast. Good morning. Y'all might hear our neighbor, some kind of a bird, serenading us quite enthusiastically from the other side of that window.

[00:00:40] I'm not sure what it is, but it's very excited this morning. Sounds like a cardinal. I don't know. But she's literally right there. So anyway, good morning. Sorry about last week. Sorry, not sorry. I'm not sorry.

[00:00:58] I know, but I didn't put any sort of anything out that we weren't going to be recording last week. But it was for a good reason. We had a baby shower to attend. We did? Well, y'all didn't attend it. Well, the guys didn't. But I did.

[00:01:11] Me and Piper. I assumed I was going to until I found out otherwise. So sweet. We have a new baby coming to the family. So little Dante will be born, I think, in the next three weeks. Yeah. It ain't gonna be long. Maybe two at this point.

[00:01:30] I don't know. Anyway, so. But today, so a couple of weeks ago we were, I don't remember what show we were doing, but we ended up getting two show topics from that show talking to the guests that were commenting and stuff like that.

[00:01:45] But so today's show is the Five Love Languages. And this really kind of resonates with me and Phil because when we were dating, so Phil had just come home from Iraq. And we were doing couples therapy, like couples counseling.

[00:02:06] And then he was doing his own counseling after coming home from Iraq, I think. It was post-Katrina. Was it post-Katrina? Yeah. That's what my question was. So bear in mind that like I deployed to Iraq in, well, I was in Kuwait in January

[00:02:23] of 2004, and we came home from Iraq in February 2005. And then Katrina hit at the end of August in 2005, and I was back on orders again until December 31st. So I had kind of a wild two years. Yeah, but there was something that happened.

[00:02:43] And I thought that we were still, you were back and forth to my apartment, the two-story apartment. And that's when you started. No. Well, bear in mind that when Katrina happened, I was actually still in the pro—I was still enrolled in University of New Orleans.

[00:03:02] And I was actually going to go back to UNO and I was still at that time, I was thinking about going for an engineering degree. So I enrolled in classes and literally like the first week class we're supposed to start Katrina hit.

[00:03:17] So then I had to disenroll and drop because I was on active duty orders. I guess what I was— You didn't start counseling until I transferred to SOU. Yes. And that was in 2006. Okay, okay.

[00:03:31] But so you started that—you started your own counseling for that and then we started couples counseling kind of after you started individual. It might have been a couple months after I started individual counseling and that

[00:03:45] was the recommendation of my counselor was that the two of us go into couples counseling together because like some of the things I was bringing up in my individual counseling really were—I wouldn't say there were a couple issues, but they were things I was

[00:03:59] trying to work through with you that were in some ways separate from what I was going to individual counseling for and that was why her recommendation was like you two need to be in counseling together to work through these things and I can't do that

[00:04:14] because I'm already counseling you as an individual. Yeah. So the ugly truth of it is Phil when he came home, he was having night terrors and there was one morning I woke up to— I slogged you. Yeah.

[00:04:36] I woke up to like severe pain in my back and I was just kind of in shock and I couldn't catch my breath and it was—Phil had punched me in his sleep. He punched me in his sleep.

[00:04:50] Luckily it was in the back, so but that was like a huge wake-up call for him and for me of what we were dealing with after spending a year in Iraq and but that was when we were

[00:05:07] still—I was still living in that two-story apartment with my cousin because I remember that happening up there. Well, you didn't move to the townhouse until I'd started college, I think. Yeah, but you had already started seeing your counselor then we got engaged a year

[00:05:25] and a day after— January of 2006. We got engaged 11 months after you came home. Yeah. Yeah, because you came home on February 4th. I will always remember that date. Yeah. But like you said, I had obviously—I don't know.

[00:05:45] When I was—I wasn't—I don't remember the nightmares I was having. Like to this day and even back then I never remembered them. I just—all I knew was that I wasn't sleeping much.

[00:05:55] I was getting about two to three hours a night of sleep and according to my psychologist at the time like that causes psychosis eventually which I didn't know how to— I can— But I remember quipping to her like, that's funny because I've been sleeping

[00:06:11] like this for about two years now and she was flabbergasted. She wanted to put me on prescription sleep aids because she was like, you can't keep doing this. Like it'll kill you. And I was like, but I've been here for two years.

[00:06:26] So like it was—I don't know. You'll kill you or you'll kill your wife. Yeah. Well, but to Christine's point, you know, she was trying to help me unwind a number of what I would call like psychological behaviors and coping

[00:06:40] mechanisms that I learned in combat which I feel like most combat vets have to take on that it keeps us alive. But then when you come back to the real world, those behaviors that hypervigilance, the anxiety which kind of is us being spring-loaded

[00:06:58] to the action position, like those things aren't—they're not helpful anymore. Which is it takes our brains a while to unlearn those things. But one of the—apparently one of the problems I was having was night terrors and I obviously didn't know I was having them.

[00:07:14] And when you brought it to my attention, I've told you before like when you told me the next morning what happened, I almost left you. I was terrified I was going to hurt you. And I was like, I'd rather not have her than her.

[00:07:27] But you talked me off that ledge and I went into counseling, I think, that week or the next week. Like it was immediate. It was no conditions, no hesitation. I'm going to do whatever I have to to straighten this out. Yeah. That was scary.

[00:07:42] It was the one and only time you've ever hit me and it was not out of anger or anything else so but I can tell you that you have a mean right hook. Unfortunately, I already knew that before you found out.

[00:08:02] But all that said to say then we went into couples counseling together because at that point we were either very serious about being engaged. I can't remember the timeline or we had just gotten engaged. And so we really wanted to— We were engaged.

[00:08:18] So we really wanted to make sure that we had a firm foundation before we tied the knot and it—we were engaged for two years. So and it wasn't two years because we had a lot to work on,

[00:08:29] it was two years because we had goals that we needed to reach first. I needed to graduate college and we needed to get closer to graduating college. We needed to figure out like some things and you know so anyway.

[00:08:41] So dated for a year, engaged for two and we finally got married but while we were in counseling the book The Five Love Languages was released and that was our homework. And so we clung to that book because we figured—

[00:09:02] I mean, I think at the time you were trying to figure out who you were post-war and I was trying to figure out who I was because I've constantly, forever in my life, tried to figure out who I was

[00:09:15] and it only took until I was 39 to finally figure it out. Although it is worth pointing out that you know when you were 18 you had a near-fatal car accident which I feel like that— I feel like what happened before the two of us met each other

[00:09:34] was that we both had you know like near-fatal events where we had to come in terms of their immortality at a pretty young age and we both had experiences that radically altered the trajectory of where our lives were going.

[00:09:47] And so when the two of us met we were both trying to figure out what happened. Like you were looking at the world in a very different light than you did previously where I would like— I am imagining not having known you prior to that

[00:10:01] but just the stories I've heard you probably didn't take life near as seriously. You were a lot less focused. You were much more just kind of go-to-the-flow party, have fun. And at least the person I met compared to me

[00:10:14] you have always and will always be a very much a type B personality much more go-to-the-flow but that's just a difference in personality. But I met—when I met you, I met a woman who was not 21-year-old mature.

[00:10:25] You were compared to the rest of our peers, you were a little further down the road than that. You think so? Compared to most of the other girls we went to college with? Well, I got a lot out of my system before you came home. Yeah.

[00:10:39] I don't know. I don't know. I've always—I always look back at that time in my life and think how pretty reckless I was. Near a fatal car accident. Well, yes. But the car accident wasn't because I had made reckless decisions.

[00:10:56] It was because I was driving too fast, which is I guess is a reckless decision but it wasn't because I was drinking and driving or high and driving or anything like that. It really was a really stupid mistake of driving too fast on a dirt road

[00:11:11] or a freshly graveled road or whatever. Which I don't know. But what I'm saying is I don't—so I lost— I feel like I lost a year of my life then because I was unconscious for a couple of weeks

[00:11:26] and then I couldn't do anything for myself for eight months. And then all of a sudden the doctor says, okay, you can walk. You need to learn how to walk again.

[00:11:35] And then—and I'm not going to go deep into this—but it was almost like the minute I— my dad went and went with me to buy new shoes so I could learn how to walk again. I don't know. It's like something clicked and it's like,

[00:11:53] I have to do all the things because I'm going to die again. Like I'm going to—I have to do all of it. And so I went back to college. I was—I did make better choices.

[00:12:07] People were removed from my life and things, you know, did start to go in a different direction. And I do believe that fate had a lot to do with that. I was supposed to be in Hammond even though I did not want—okay.

[00:12:23] When I was a freshman before the wreck, I didn't want to be there. I wanted to go home. I was driving home every other weekend which is a five-hour drive. But I was supposed to go back because then we ended up moving into the two-story apartment

[00:12:37] and your friend moved in next door and fate and love and yada yada. And then we go to 20 years of yada yada. And then we go to counseling and we get into this book which is what I'm trying to get back to, is getting into this book.

[00:12:54] And so we were given the five-language love languages as a homework assignment. And so we had to read a chapter each week before we went back and all that stuff. I was totally into it.

[00:13:10] I was like—I read through the book because the book is not that much. But I read through the book, I took my notes, I took the test, you know, I wanted to find out what my love language was and you just kind of mosey on through it.

[00:13:22] And I was like, he's not—he's not into this. He doesn't have— Contrary to what she believed at the time, I can speed read and I had already digested the entire book and I didn't really have to take the test to figure out what my love language was.

[00:13:34] That was pretty self-explanatory for me. Fine. I'm so—well, I mean—but again, the whole—the whole—like being able to kind of codify these different love languages was instructional for me because like I knew what I knew about myself

[00:13:51] but I didn't know—I guess know what language used to express it and this helped with that. But the one revelation I had from this book that really like, pound-of-the-point home for me wasn't that there are different love languages.

[00:14:04] It was the revelation that like you people typically express love in the way they wish to receive it. And that was something I don't know called my own blind spot but like I'd never

[00:14:16] really thought of. I just—it never occurred to me but when I read that I was like, oh god that makes a ton of sense all of a sudden. Like I understood aspects of your behavior and

[00:14:27] aspects of my behavior because I didn't have that framework to look at it before. So I mean, I don't know. From your perspective I think you've looked at it as he's not taking it seriously as I am but I guess to me it was kind of like okay,

[00:14:42] the about 70% of this book was just confirming things I already knew. He's so smart. No, just it made sense to me. It wasn't something I had to like study or we'll get there Kyle. Kyle is—okay. You better get there now because—

[00:15:02] First of all good morning, Jo. Tell your wife we said hey and Kyle yes, tacos and coffee are— you have to read the comments. Sorry. Jo said good morning, wife is with me this morning,

[00:15:16] Kyle Wilson said the love language for women is tacos. All women love them and fancy coffees. It's funny you say that Kyle because last night we were talking about the show on the way home

[00:15:27] from our, Phil's sister's house and a piper in the back seat pipes up and says his food on the list. I was like, I love you and you are so smart and yes, food should be a

[00:15:43] love language and then Phil says tacos. Tacos is a love language. Would you say tacos and what? Kyle said tacos and coffee. No, you said something else last night, tacos and something

[00:15:54] and I can't remember now what you said but I was like yes. You just might as well call the whole thing food because otherwise there's too many things to name. Yeah, so food. Tacos, sushi. Food's my love language now.

[00:16:08] Just take me out to eat that's all I want. I don't want to cook dinner. So anyway, okay, I've got these banders queued up. These are the five love languages and

[00:16:18] it's not as if at least like what I was reading from the book and at least what I believe personally, I don't think any one person doesn't receive love in these ways but there are definitely ways that yes, Joe, Joe said revised. I love that last night.

[00:16:35] But everyone has kind of a primary way and then the other ways are just kind of ranked down from that and I think what's really important to point out before we go into this list is that

[00:16:48] this isn't designed to tell a partner that like your effort in this area is useless just that if think of it like a weighted average, you know what I'm saying? If you put something in

[00:17:02] this bucket where is their primary bucket they're going to feel it more deeply than if you put it in this bucket way over here. So it's not to say that they don't notice this other sign of

[00:17:15] affection. It just doesn't have the same impact. So like I think what's important to preface all this with is saying that these are different avenues by which people traditionally show affection and everyone has a primary and then every secondary tertiary so on and so forth

[00:17:33] and the way in which people usually show affection is the way that they want to receive affection. It is the way that is most impactful for them and therefore they naturally just kind of maybe wrongly think well it must be that impactful to somebody else

[00:17:47] as well. So you know that is the framework with which we're operating and I'm going to check one more comment. Kyle said Texas Roadhouse and Canes. I mean I'm not too particular on the restaurant

[00:18:02] as long as there's food and I don't have to cook. So let's start with words of affirmation. Everybody enjoys being praised to some degree like look at our social media. Generation. There's a lot of people out there that thrive on words of affirmation.

[00:18:24] I personally believe that like I think personally they first of all it's just it's healthy to verbalize when you appreciate someone's efforts or when you are paying somebody a compliment. Like that is an aspect of almost everyone's dating life that I don't think really should

[00:18:42] fade over time. Like you should constantly remind your partner hey you look nice today. Nice your butt looks great in those genes and those sorts of things. You know but but words of affirmation I mean I'm sure if you think hard enough you can think of somebody

[00:19:02] that words of affirmation just kind of fall flat. You know like they say thank you they appreciate the compliment but it doesn't have like a long lasting puts pep in their step

[00:19:10] makes them stand up straight or impact. You you I don't know if you still are words of affirmation but that was the one that you said was the most. I remember I remember at one point you said words

[00:19:23] of affirmation is my love language and so I made it a point to come home and tell you how thankful I was that you were such a hard-working husband and you know those words have changed

[00:19:32] over the years. Thank you for being such a great dad and thank you for taking care of us and working so hard and doing this and doing that. And I hope that those were the words that

[00:19:42] you needed to hear but words of affirmation the adaboys is what you needed to hear from me and then physical touch was your other one. Yeah but that's further down the list.

[00:19:54] I'm not gonna go there. I don't know words of affirmation was ever like really a big one for you. No not really it's not no it's not I mean I'd like to hear the hey great job or thanks so much

[00:20:10] or you're such a great person I like to hear those kinds of things I mean like you said everyone is going to get all up in their feels when somebody gives them words of affirmation but that wasn't

[00:20:21] one of my key it wasn't one of my key languages. So the other one is quality time and this one can mean different things to different people like sometimes this is engaging in shared hobbies

[00:20:37] like when I was when I was still in college I had my little mastamiata we used to go used to go to the autocross with me we used to do road rallies all the time sometimes we would just

[00:20:46] jump in the car and go hit a back road and drive around for a little bit you know with the top down and like for me that was enjoyable because it was like yeah it I'm driving it's my hobby

[00:20:56] but it's something that I'm sharing with you that I'm not sharing with anybody else nobody else does these you know does these things with me but quality time could be much more than just

[00:21:07] shared hobbies it can literally be you know movie night on the couch it could be sit on the back porch drink coffee and just talk for a minute it's to me like the the aspect of

[00:21:17] quality time that makes it so important for couples and makes it some people's primary love language is it is a time when your attention it doesn't necessarily have to be directly focused on the other person but that attention is it's not you're not competing for other with everything

[00:21:35] else for that attention that's a time when like you know you have the ability to talk to that person more one-on-one than when they have you know a child tugging at their shirt or

[00:21:45] you know social media is on their phone or the tv's on or 10 000 other things are going on it's just it's the I'm going to disconnect from the rest of well for a minute and it's just going to be you

[00:21:54] and me back here yeah and I think that I feel like that's enormously impactful and for the for the people who that is their primary love language you know like unlike receiving gifts

[00:22:06] that we'll get to later like the thing here that's really important to bear in mind is that you know there's only so many hours in a day but you have to budget time just like you budget money

[00:22:16] and if quality time is the way your partner receives affection you need to budget some time in your day and throughout your week to be able to meet that time obligation and it you know like sometimes and what will I'll I'll I want to round the conversation out

[00:22:34] with this but like sometimes you know there's just the realities of life there's 10 000 things going on there are kids there's parents there's siblings friends there's obligations there's work work and sometimes there's reasons why we fall short of what we're trying to commit to these things

[00:22:51] but you still have to put the forth the effort like something something you and I I wouldn't say we've fought with we've struggled with is it sometimes throughout our relationship we've gotten into kind of ruts where it was like because of what was going on in our personal

[00:23:06] work lives we started to feel more like roommates you know like we passed each other in the hallway some that was unavoidable I mean like the first year we were married I was still in college and

[00:23:17] I was working almost 60 hours a week you were working and we were working opposite schedules so literally like I'd go I could go three days without seeing you awake yeah we made a joke

[00:23:30] we used to joke about how we wore the hello my name is stickers and passed in the hall yes and Joe says under uninterrupted quality time and I think that's kind of what you hit on was

[00:23:43] you know your phone is not a part of quality time and maybe a movie is okay because maybe you're snuggling on the couch or something but yes uninterrupted I when we go on dates I I

[00:23:57] I enjoy the time when it's just the two of us in the truck going to the you know location and being you know just being in there with you because we're still talking we're still doing

[00:24:09] we're still you know being with each other and it's I figure I I think it's quality time I think it's one of it's part of the date is that little skirt around town to figure out

[00:24:24] where we're going so I I do think quality time has become higher on my list than what it was I have a theory that I wasn't going to bring up and but since you kind of cracked it

[00:24:40] my theory is that 20 years when we first met there might have been like one or even two love languages that were really really high on our list and the rest kind of fell down

[00:24:50] and I feel like over the last 20 years we've balanced out where we might still have one that's kind of a preference but I feel as though we're much more balanced in the way we receive and show

[00:25:01] affection like I look at this list and I can remember a time when there were certain things here that really I don't want to say they didn't impact me because that's not what I'm trying

[00:25:11] to say but you know they weren't as impactful but now I look at them and I'm like I can think of things you've done that fit in any one of those five categories and it's I can still remember

[00:25:21] how I felt at that moment okay I feel like we've we've found balance yeah I wonder if anybody else does but I feel like you and I 20 year old me was coming off of some pretty stupid and

[00:25:38] you know hurtful relationships and so I just wanted I wanted my boyfriend at the time to pick me I wanted to be the top in his list of I'm going to call her I'm going to go see her I'm going to

[00:25:54] talk to her and I wanted to be and I guess that kind of goes into quality time I wanted it that's my significant other and it ended up being you obviously to choose me as the number

[00:26:10] one top priority in his life and so I quality time I you know what quality time was a big one for me then when we were together because when you came home from Iraq I I got jealous so jealous of

[00:26:27] the time that you would spend with your friends and we weren't necessarily super I mean we were just started dating yeah we had just started dating so our involvement with each other was

[00:26:38] and you had just come home so I I got super jealous of your friends I got super super jealous of your girlfriends and why were you hanging out with them when you could be

[00:26:49] hanging out with me but I had also come out of a really bad relationship where I had been cheated on for so long or not picked and I yeah so that that totally rolls into the

[00:27:03] the Gillian that I was when we first met and started dating versus the Gillian you're married to now plus I'm more secure I and you know after 20 years you've never cheated on me you've never

[00:27:14] looked at another woman and thought I'm gonna pick her today instead of my girlfriend or my wife or whatever I don't have a girlfriend anymore you do Gillian I'm joking maybe next week we'll

[00:27:28] talk about alter egos but yeah so quality time to me was I was really big that was before we knew what love languages were and all that stuff but I just wanted to be top priority and and since

[00:27:43] we're and if quality time isn't the right way to put this then being a priority like I know that was something you and I struggled with kind of early in early in when we were engaged and even

[00:27:54] early into our marriage was like I remember telling you on several occasions I'm like you know like I have the view of marriage that I do and I make no apologies for it

[00:28:04] but like in my view in order for marriage to be successful like husband has to put wife at the top of his pyramid and wife has to put the husband at the top of the pyramid and that's

[00:28:14] kind of a controversial that's a controversial statement in some circles because people say what about the kids and what about this and you know she should have her independence and

[00:28:23] I'm just like no like if I put my wife's needs and wants ahead of everything else in my world then she is going to be provided for and taken care of and I'm going to make sure her emotional

[00:28:37] needs are met and I'm going to make sure that she she's comfortable to the best of my abilities and if she does those same things for me then I don't have to worry about myself

[00:28:48] it's a selfless act like if I'm 100% focused on you I don't have to worry about myself you're 100% focused on me you don't have to worry about yourself we're constantly looking out for the

[00:28:59] other and I feel like that is the way marriage has to be organized and I feel like you and I both struggle with that a little bit at first as I'm sure most married couples too where it

[00:29:09] was kind of like it was like I don't know if I really want to put you all the way very top because I have these other things that are in that spot well and too I think it depends on when you get

[00:29:18] married and your maturity level at that time we were young we were probably 24 I think I was 24 five six no I was 25 yeah I was 25 when no I was 24 you were 24 when we got married

[00:29:36] and I've said this multiple times on the show but I was young and dumb but you made at least one really good decision I did make a really good one I said yes

[00:29:48] actually you said oh my god about 14 well there's that too not that it's not like I didn't know it was coming but actually I didn't know it was coming at that point but anyway that's another

[00:29:58] other day that's another day yeah so quality time was definitely a major one for me and you did okay you did okay you like we said when we started the show you were going through a lot

[00:30:11] and I couldn't be top priority but you did really good I was I was there I was like two and a half well your mental health had to be fixed first it had to be it had to be fixed

[00:30:25] before you could focus on me yeah and I mean realize that and even early on in our marriage like I know that because of the weird work schedules we had like Monday was our only day off together

[00:30:36] yeah and I I would like to think I made a really I made a really pointed particular point of not not scheduling anything for Mondays like we almost never even went out with our friends on Mondays

[00:30:51] because I was like no I spend six days a week you know work school work school work work and you know you work 60 hours a week go to school full time 15 hour semester like you do the math I

[00:31:05] was sleeping about four and a half hours a night it was it was a brutal way to get through college but I looked at I was looking down the road of if I can pull this off if I can maintain

[00:31:18] this pace for another year and if I can get out of college with my bachelor's degree debt free I'm already in a career field that I'm very successful at before I decided to change career

[00:31:26] fields my point of view was if I can gut this out for another year I can graduate debt free you would already graduated debt free and as long as we could maintain that I knew it was in the

[00:31:38] long term if it's going to work out better for us and it has but it meant that we only had one day a week together and that whole day was I don't want to talk to anybody else I don't want

[00:31:51] to see anybody else I'm not helping you move I'm not doing nonsense this is my one day I spent with my wife so even back then as tight as money was like we'd go out to outback and we'd order the

[00:32:02] the little the little cheap rebies that you know that we could afford and we would we'd go grocery shopping we'd go to the park we do whatever like whatever we were going to do together it was

[00:32:12] going to be on that Monday and we'd spend the entire day shoved up each other's behinds because that was my one day with my wife yeah well we weren't going to see each other for another

[00:32:20] six days yeah well I would see you but like well you know what I mean yeah well with with the work schedule I kept and you kept I would wake up in the morning to go to school and you'd still be

[00:32:32] asleep and then I wouldn't even come home that night I'd go straight from school straight to work I'd work 10 hours sleep on the couch at work for four hours wake up work another 10 hours shift

[00:32:44] come home and it was like you know eat homework and by the time you got home I was asleep and that was that was that whole first year we were married that was rough but anyway it's rough

[00:32:59] so physical touch and this is like way more than what most people are probably thinking but like this is not just in the bedroom physical touch no like this is this is hugs this is

[00:33:11] kisses like you and I make a point of add to the best we're able like giving each other a kiss in the mornings before you go home to school and like did like when we're driving around and

[00:33:24] you just have your hands sitting on my knee oh I feel I noticed that that's well but again physical touch has always been a thing with me and a lot of this because like I'm just

[00:33:34] this might always be an aspect of my personality but like I'm kind of a prickly person you are like I'm not a hugger I always feel so freaking awkward when people when people that aren't

[00:33:44] like family hug me like you know I'm saying like when a friend of yours who is a hugger goes in for a hug I'm like oh this feels so freaking weird but I'm don't worry you can totally see it all over

[00:33:57] your body when people hug you but I'm I'm not I'm not a hugger I'm not a really like touchy feely handsy person I'm just I'm not and I think because of that I only allow people that I'm very

[00:34:10] very comfortable with in and I think that's why physical touch is always such a thing with me because it's something I don't accept from many people like you and my daughter basically just

[00:34:22] you and my daughter and family are the only people that can like get in for a hug everybody else it's like handshake because you're still at arm's length yeah but physical touch is not

[00:34:33] it's it it's the little it's the little arm over your shoulder it's the I think what it is yes the touch it does something but it's also that that person wanted to touch me yeah like made

[00:34:48] that decision that I need to hold your hand or I need to touch your butt when you're cooking dinner or you know all those things learn to cook boys no never do that to me oh yeah we'll

[00:35:02] give that to you too but but yeah the little the little things matter the little bitty touches the little whatever's you know um and then changing it up a little bit matters too so

[00:35:16] I don't know where else to go with that it's the physical touch it's the desire to to touch your partner not necessarily in a sexual way but just to know that hey I'm here

[00:35:28] arm around the small the back yeah hey I'm here hey I just I needed to touch you or I know that you needed me to touch you I guess touches like a word and people's brains just go

[00:35:43] straight there but then it is it is also in the bedroom it is that too because friend of mine who's a therapist for some reason we were talking about some of this stuff the other day but I can't remember what she called it but physical touch

[00:36:05] especially physical touch in the bedroom is um oh I'm trying to think it's like this isn't going to sound right and this probably isn't the right way to say it but it is a it is a um it's a thing that

[00:36:21] you're you have to have mentally it's it's a thing that you have to have physically what am I trying to say it's like uh not a top priority but it is a key I'm trying guys um dang it I

[00:36:34] don't know what I'm trying to say it's a need it is a need it's a need necessity it's a thing but more than that like if you don't get it so as a as a teacher we talk about the higher I'm not

[00:36:50] going to say this right either the hierarchy of things being met before you can actually teach a child we're talking about like maslow's hierarchy yes okay yes but not we're as far as that

[00:37:01] conversation with students like they need to be fed they need to be comfortable they need to be you know they need to feel safe secure love so on so forth yes in order for them to actually be open

[00:37:10] to to learning well it is its physical touch is um it's like one of the very top things that a human needs to to feel I don't I'm not trying to dance around this it's just my brain's not working

[00:37:29] so help me with words no I mean well maslow's hierarchy or maslow's pyramid basically just states that they're so to relate this to the other to the other podcast a matter of facts which is

[00:37:41] again based around like survival and preparedness things like that there's like a base level of I need to have my physical needs met I need so much sleep I need so much food so much water I need

[00:37:51] those things and once you have covered all those things there's the next level up the pyramid which is I need to feel safe I need to feel secure I need to feel loved so on so forth

[00:38:02] and I think the top level is like internal like what what makes me me what drives what my internal goals are those sorts of things but no I hear which I think I hear what you're saying that like the

[00:38:14] need for physical touch physical intimacy the need to feel love in general it's part and parcel to human beings like we we you can tell when a person doesn't feel loved even if it's if they

[00:38:28] don't love themselves you can see it on them they they look depressed they look like they have nothing to live for they carry them they drag themselves around and and what I was trying to get at

[00:38:41] if my brain will cooperate is without that without the physical touch without the the the intimacy the your relationship will fizzle it will that that person is not receiving it and

[00:38:57] it's not because they just have to get off or whatever but it it goes much deeper if if you're not having that um because it's like a it's a whole physiological thing they're not receiving

[00:39:12] what they need as a human to be happy and healthy and everything else and so your relationship is going to obviously take a strain yeah and I have to get this out now or I might forget about it but

[00:39:24] to any one of these things if you ever hear a person say that that thing is not important intimacy no any one of these things oh any of these like if a person tries to discount

[00:39:38] like if you have a primary way to feel loved and another person tries to discount that or say well that's not that important or that's not that big of a deal then my immediate response is then how

[00:39:48] would you feel if that person got that affection from someone else dang because this is this is the thing yeah I've had this argument with people and that you know I'm I love to argue I love a good

[00:39:59] debate but I've I've blown up a lot of arguments with this when somebody will say well this physical touch is not that important I'm like how would you feel if your husband got

[00:40:07] touched by another woman why are they immediately just blow up you know blow a fuse and I'm like so it's important enough that he can't get it from somebody else but he can't get it from you either

[00:40:17] and it goes the other way though it's it's like it's it's worth of affirmation it's quality time if you're if if I were to tell you well quality time is not that big of a deal you

[00:40:26] should just be happy with what you get but then I got mad when you were spending quality time like on a date with another guy well it's important enough that you shouldn't you shouldn't spend that

[00:40:35] time with somebody else but I won't give you that that quality time that that's that's that is I'm not priming anybody for an argument with their spouse but all men ever say is that if you're if your spouse or your boyfriend girlfriend or your whatever responds to

[00:40:50] your request for their affection by trying to gaslight you and thinking it's you shouldn't feel that way throw that one pull the pin and drop that hand grenade in yeah really because it will the moment they if they don't get outraged that you're feeling affection from someone else

[00:41:10] there's a there's a more serious problem that needs to be dealt with in couples counseling but if they do feel outraged then your immediate response is if I shouldn't if I shouldn't

[00:41:22] have that with someone else then why can't I have with my spouse right but yes that's that's my personal hand grenade to blow up gaslighting works every time acts of service and I this is one that

[00:41:38] like to this day I I feel this and I don't want to say I'm guilty of because I feel like you appreciate these things but like I we talked last show about how I'm constantly doing the

[00:41:51] fly the bump will be routine on the weekends I'm running around taking care of chores taking care of things around the house working on projects and for me a lot of it is like a I'm a very task

[00:42:01] driven person but I also like I want my wife and daughter to have like I want the dishes to be done and put away I want the laundry to be folded I want the Jeep to be working right I want

[00:42:13] these things to be available so to to enrich my wife and daughter's lives and I want these things to be there so that they're more comfortable or they're they're whatever quite frankly I want

[00:42:26] y'all to have more time to sit down and read a book or watch YouTube and not have to do all these things so for me acts of service has always been a really a really big part of the way I show

[00:42:38] affection because I see it as I'm expending my time and my energy to do things so that y'all don't have to okay I won't get so upset about it but for that same reason when I'm you know how

[00:42:52] I get every now and then I just get overloaded like you know I'm going from one chore to another to another four or five hours pass and I'm just I haven't stopped and those are the moments when

[00:43:04] you say my husband is working like a Hebrew slave and you just take a chore take a chore off my plate that I never asked you to and you never said hey honey do you want me to do that

[00:43:14] you just said he needs help and that means the world to me because then it's like I I am doing all these things and she's pitched in where she's able and that I noticed those things like when I get to

[00:43:28] that dishwasher and I'm like I'm pretty sure this was full clean dishes that need to get put away so how would you feel then if I just started taking over all those things and left you with

[00:43:42] no to-do list you can never leave me with a no to-do list well but again there's no way you could because I will find something else that needs to get done okay I mean well call it like like last

[00:43:54] like the other weekend with the Jeep I was out there busting butt on that I came back in the house and the dishes were done laundry was done you cleaned up the house even though you

[00:44:02] were out there hanging out with me most of the day so like to me there is no way for you to quote unquote do everything and I'll have nothing left to do there are there will be other things to

[00:44:14] get into I will I have stuff I can be working on pretty much indefinitely it's just a question of so you'll never just be able to sit down I don't think so like my my thing is

[00:44:32] my thing is not it's not as if I have like I got three things on the to-do list and once those things you're done I'm done for the day it's I have so much effort and energy and time today

[00:44:43] and once that's expended I'm out so I'm going to get the things that are the most important done first but if you like if you were to say hey honey I'm gonna handle the grouchy off today

[00:44:54] you don't have to deal with that I'd be like okay I'm not gonna sit around and just be allowed so I'm gonna find something else to get into that needs to be done so I guess I'm

[00:45:03] saying is it's like when you when you take those things off my plate it's not getting me closer to rest it's just accelerating me getting down my list faster but I do take notice of those things

[00:45:16] and access service isn't just doing the chores I mean it's I know you've made comment like in the past like because I know you're not a big fan of washing your jeep no but then the other

[00:45:28] weekend you and I got out there and washed it and you vacuumed it and we detailed it together and it can be I mean it can be doing something for the other person it could and it doesn't have to be

[00:45:41] volunteered either like if you ask somebody for their help and they take time out of their day to give you that assistance I call it active service even if it's not a spontaneous one yes okay I get it now this podcast has helped my wife understand her husband

[00:45:59] well I mean we talked about a little bit last week and then but I didn't realize that it was a I didn't realize you didn't say that last week either Joe said yes but my wife will have less

[00:46:14] chores and again like to me with I don't know who this is guy that comments there's no telling okay you've made me blush but um anyway we gotta get back on track that's not one we're gonna read

[00:46:45] so the last one is receiving gifts which this this is where it used to be me this used to be keep going sorry well this used to be a very very big I would say almost your primary

[00:46:56] almost maybe and I am this has always been one of my lesser forms of giving and receiving affection which was a rub for the two of us because I'm just not I'm not good at it you you will spend months

[00:47:14] dreaming up the perfect gift to give for me and it's always something I wouldn't have thought of to get for myself and then when I pull it out of the box I'm like oh my god this is perfect

[00:47:24] but I whatever part of your brain that that enables that I was born without or it's at for feed until like a little bitty raisin or something it's just not there true or words have

[00:47:34] never been spoken yes receiving gifts I yes receiving gifts has been and will probably always be one of my tops and I'm not thinking like I think yes it used to be you get me the

[00:47:56] expensive things but now it's it's something like you stopped on your way home at CVS and you had to get whatever such and such but you ended up stopping at the the cards and you picked

[00:48:10] me up a card not that you've ever done that and hint does does tacos count as gifts tacos are always yes tacos always count as a gift always I mean anytime you say you know let's go out tonight

[00:48:30] or hey let's order it in tonight or whatever that yes that is a gift but is that a gift or is that active service because then it means you don't have to cook or clean

[00:48:40] can they be both possibly I think they can be both I think it's a gift I mean I I still always I try to always thank you when you we go out to eat thank you for dinner thanks

[00:48:54] for paying for dinner tonight or whatever because if if it were up to you you would never go out to eat we're almost to that part of the show where we tie all these things together well

[00:49:07] where we talk about like mismatches and stuff yeah and so I know that going out to eat is not a it's not something that you want to do because you wake up in the morning you're like you know what

[00:49:19] I think I'm gonna go out to eat today and that's not happening usually it's the puppy dog eyes from your wife and daughter that are saying I really don't want to cook today or I really

[00:49:29] don't want to eat that again tonight or whatever but it's not just I don't want to cook tonight because I would cook it's I don't want to cook and I don't want anything you're

[00:49:37] capable of cooking it's true it's true it's true okay so Joe said if I want something I'll go get it myself and that's the problem that's the problem with this one what are we left to buy you if

[00:49:55] you just go out and get it by yourself leave something for the wife we gotta think of these things and do these things I'm an adult that's what I do I want something I go bust my butt

[00:50:06] I save my money I earn it and then you make it harder for us when it's time to receive gifts I think of Christmas or your birthday or whatever you know I'm always struggling going well he's

[00:50:20] got that well he's you know that's but think about what I always asked for on my birthday keep your mind clean it's not I know what you asked for on your birthday

[00:50:29] I always I always but no I can't something for you to unwrap and open at Christmas or that's that's half joking only half though but no everything like last birthday I said

[00:50:45] like just give me a cookie cake let's have order pizza or two we can have like one or two friends over and we'll just hang out here at the house like what I want for my birthday I don't

[00:50:55] want gifts I just want quality time I want that experience to just be able to hang out with people I don't get to see that often and just chill all right so Christmas would you would you be okay

[00:51:10] just sitting there and not opening any gifts have I ever done anything to indicate to you that I'm an extraordinarily like gift focused person no but you still have to have something to open Christmas that's more for her than for me yes I don't want anyone forgotten

[00:51:28] but it doesn't have it never has to be anything extravagant on my behalf well Christmas is one thing because I always have to top myself on your gift you're gonna run out that trajectory

[00:51:39] can't be I always the last few years I've been going to patrons to ask for ideas for gifts and actually Joe helped me with this Christmas gift so thank god for that although you've never used it

[00:51:54] and and I guess that's okay but it hangs up with behind behind me when I podcast does it yeah oh I've never seen it it's it's right there on the shelf if you need to know or want to know

[00:52:06] it's a tomahawk that has a pipe in it so he can smoke from his tomahawk after I've been better than somebody's wait go back to the comments I didn't see um Joe said gifts for

[00:52:21] gifts are for Christmas you will get a list do not deviate from the list except I don't get a list Joe Phil does not give me a list of things that he wants and I that is why I contacted

[00:52:33] you over Christmas or before Christmas and said help me out with this Joe you know where the you know where the cigar store is what does that next comment say the cigar but you have a whole

[00:52:43] humidor full of it's actually empty after well almost have to have to restock it Bible don't know that is top romance material telling Adam slaving away for his wifey okay top romance I don't know about that I read some pretty spicy books that are top romance

[00:53:04] yeah so but anyway so what I was wanting to talk about as we kind of wrap all these things together we've gone through the five love languages is like we said it kind of at the top of the show

[00:53:14] like one of the things that was very instructional for me is that people usually attempt to show affection in the way that they're whatever is their primary that's the way they try to show

[00:53:25] it yes which makes sense I mean you know you kind of have to operate from your own experience and whatever way is most feels most impactful for you to receive affection the way

[00:53:34] you're naturally going to gravitate towards trying to show it but what happens when one spouse is primary another spouse is primary miss each other then we get into a situation where they might have been couples counseling with both saying hopefully with the other person saying

[00:53:50] well they don't care that much about me and then the other one defending themselves saying I do this and the other and yada yada yada and it's like the language they're not using that they may

[00:53:59] not even know is you are showing me affection in less than the perfect way for me to receive it and I feel like there's there's two things going on here is one for the receiving spouse to try

[00:54:15] to be more I guess like understanding of the fact that there is effort being put here you know like recognize the effort that's being expended and for the giving spouse to understand

[00:54:27] that I'm putting all this effort here but I'm not putting it over here we're able to do more good so I feel like there's I feel there's a disconnect on both sides and I feel like there is

[00:54:39] you know I we've talked before about like what I feel about divorce and how I feel like you know divorces really should be a last resort to dissolve a relationship

[00:54:52] and I feel like for a lot of people they just they get to this point in the marriage where things get hard things aren't easy anymore the honeymoon periods worn off and then they just

[00:55:01] quit because it's not easy anymore it's not fun and to me that is the point I wish we started to have these conversations go to couples counseling and we say I see the effort you're

[00:55:11] expending I need it over here and for the person who's giving which it goes both ways to say I need to try to adjust the way I'm showing affection so that has the maximum impact for

[00:55:24] this person it it really is just like a whole nother layer like we always talk about of you know all marriage is all about give and take it's all about compromise it's all about

[00:55:35] learning the other person it's it's all it this is just another avenue for all that but I do feel like mismatched mismatch love languages are incredibly common like let's assume for a moment even though

[00:55:52] it's not truly doesn't break out this way there's five love languages that means you have a 20% chance of having anyone which means if you give me that statistic for a second you have a

[00:56:03] one in 10 chance of having the same love language as your spouse so the odds are not in your favor unless I did my math wrong anyway you said 20% so one in 10 well that'd be one in five

[00:56:20] but this person has one and this person has one oh I see yeah so the the odds that they would both have the same one I don't know it's either one in 10 or two in 10 the point is it ain't much

[00:56:31] be one yeah I don't ask me to do statistics for have a second cup of coffee but my point is like the odds are that you're not going to have the same primary love language as your spouse right you're

[00:56:43] gonna have to you're both gonna have to learn to compromise with each other and try to look for the effort that's being expended even if it's not in the perfect way for you to receive it

[00:56:54] and you're gonna have to look at your spouse and say this is the way I'm trying to show affection this is the way they really need it and just try to work with them like at the end of

[00:57:02] the day if you truly love your spouse your goal is always to make that person feel loved and fulfilled so why would you fold your arm say well I I showed them love and they didn't receive it right

[00:57:13] because that's that that's you're crazy I know people that sound like that exactly and I and I find that so first of all I find that incredibly toxic because it's a hell of a

[00:57:24] good way to ruin a marriage but you know like I've been very pointed about the fact that like a large component of the way that I conduct my behavior with you has nothing to do with you it is everything to do with our child because the only way

[00:57:41] she's ever gonna know what a marriage looks like is if we show her so if you and I are toxic and angry to each other she learns that yeah so I try to show her like this is the way

[00:57:52] if you choose to get married if you choose to have a relationship with a man this is the way that man better treats you because if he's not treating you the way your father treated your mom

[00:57:59] something's wrong yeah I think it's also important I know we're trying to wrap this up to you know in this whole wrap-up of saying you need to visit this you need to visit these love languages

[00:58:13] often because people change and as much as people don't want to say well people don't change people change and relationships change and they morph and things happen and you know it may happen to someone um I'm thinking like some something big happens to one person well it's

[00:58:34] going to affect that person and it's going to affect their marriage and it's going to affect everything in their life and so it's it's vital to come back to this and say what has changed

[00:58:42] because I am no longer um I don't I don't you are not 21 year old gillian anymore I'm not I'm not 21 year old gillian anymore and I'm not necessarily looking for the gifts I think the gifts are great

[00:58:56] um but I I think go back to the list I think that um you don't have these memorized no I don't I don't either well why are you giving me a hard time you asshole because this is what I

[00:59:09] because I give you a hard time acts of service are definitely it's definitely up there in quality time like I want I we we used to be really good when she was a little bit younger to find a babysitter

[00:59:23] and go on a date and I think that's coming back around I think it's you know we're taking more time to go on dates and now we're even taking more of an initiative to go on weekends together

[00:59:37] or whatever we're trying to at least but and some of that was also like the phase she was in her life because there was a time when she was very comfortable spending the night at somebody's house

[00:59:46] and then she got into kind of a homebody phase where she didn't really want to be away from the two of us and we've we've always been very particular about like sometimes she's just

[00:59:55] got to suck it up but we don't we did we didn't want to make it a regular habit of making her feel like she was being offloaded all the time right I don't know I think I

[01:00:04] definitely was ever receiving gifts receiving gifts kind of girl yes but um physical touch and quality time are are where I'm at now because I think it's because I'm so much more comfortable with myself

[01:00:20] that I'm okay spending quality time with you I'm not in my head all the time does that make sense it does okay it makes sense to you and physical touch makes sense because I'm not in my head

[01:00:32] all the time okay so I guess for him not you so I guess my thought process is like like I said earlier like I feel like over the last 20 years we have I feel like over the last 20 years we have kind of

[01:00:48] our love our our preference for the love languages has largely balanced out whereas it used to be very very focused on a single one and I feel like that has probably made that constant

[01:01:00] flow back and forth of affection a lot easier in a lot of ways because we just were more receptive to more different more ways more equally in a more balanced way but the thing I was going to say

[01:01:10] earlier about how like your preference for a love language changes over time and you know like people in a marriage change over time like we talked about another episode but like you're not 21 year old Gillian anymore but you're also not who 40 40 year old Gillian would

[01:01:27] have been if it weren't with me right so not only have we both changed as individuals we've changed as a result of being married to each other yeah because 21 year old me like I said

[01:01:40] I I was looking for a man that was going to put me first that wasn't going to cheat on me that was going to call when he said he was going to call or be home when he said he was going to

[01:01:50] be home and it took me a few months to realize that that was you and that you were going to do that it also took I you know your dad would tell me all the time you know he's not that kind of guy

[01:02:04] he's not going to do that he's not going to cheat on you he's not the type of guy that's going to go out all night and party and he's not the type of guy who's going to show up with another

[01:02:11] girl at home or whatever I was always the old man in the relationship you were you still are still I am anyway all right so anything else you need to say none nothing I can really think of like I hope this has been instructional for everybody who's

[01:02:30] watched and I hope and everybody's listened and you know like if you're I would I would venture to say that the five love languages it's an interesting read outside of a couple's life

[01:02:43] it's really really really helpful for couples you know whether you are in beginning stages of dating and you're just trying to figure out the other person and like I have tried to figure out the

[01:02:55] opposite gender for getting on about 41 years I'm still not making a lot of headway with it despite living with two of them we're required to change it up it's in our book it's in the manual

[01:03:06] anyway I'm going to find this manual one day and I'm going to publish it be a billionaire but anyway did you know that he also wrote books after this of love languages for children love languages for all different things that are important in people's lives so I think

[01:03:25] I'm not pushing the book and we're obviously not sponsored or anything else like that but I do think it is worth your while to download it or go buy it and read it and then have your

[01:03:34] spouse read it and then read it together and then do the test and figure out your life together and especially if you're having trouble but again if you've been married for 25 years Joe or almost

[01:03:46] 20 here or been together for almost 20 years revisit it see what has changed I would say even for the couple that isn't having trouble it's helpful though because if nothing else the one thing

[01:04:00] that this book did for me was it gave me the language to use to express something I couldn't put into words that makes sense so I feel like even for the couple that says hey we're okay we don't

[01:04:11] need the book you know it will probably give you the language to talk about these things in a more concrete way than you can normally talk about feelings and emotions right and especially if you

[01:04:23] have children it will help you explain to them what they're feeling because children emotions are complicated especially little girl emotions right and if you aren't married and you don't

[01:04:35] have kids it might still give you the tools to talk to someone in your life whether it is a friend or a co-worker or a family member who is struggling with understanding emotions and affections and

[01:04:48] love and all these things and it might help give you the tools to talk them through it well it can be applied in all relationships that you know mean something to you for sure yeah anyway

[01:05:00] all right well thank you for watching and or listening and you know the drill I guess if we're not going to be on next week but we should be on next week I think we'll be on next week I mean

[01:05:11] you know just bear in mind that if we do if we aren't sitting here on a Sunday morning to record a show usually it's because something has infringed upon podcast time that's family related

[01:05:23] yes and we're entitled to that every now and then for sure all right y'all have a great weekend and great sunday and we'll see you next week bye everybody