Riding Shotgun with Death

[00:00:18] Welcome in PBN family. I spent the day with the Grim Reaper all day long, driving shotgun with me fundamentally. Watching the world turn and Israel now taking full scale attack on Iran, killing multiple generals.

[00:00:40] You know, that wider conflict really becoming a war. I know a lot of news outlets are saying there might be a war. It's a war. Mossad says that they're going to do everything in their power to assure there is no more enrichment facility. Of course America's in a weird position with all that going on.

[00:01:05] That's the case, you know, at the moment and it could get real ugly. It could get real bad over there. And the U.S. could be wrapped up in it before the weekend is out. Maybe even before the day is out. Who knows? You know, war equals off-grid, PBN family. Do with that what you must. War equals off-grid. And we are not immune. You know, we are not immune.

[00:01:35] I'm in a very weird headspace, so if I sound off today, I am off today. Okay, I am off today because we were hit with death yesterday in our household. It's so rapidly and so decisively. And it's the kind of death that we hadn't experienced yet.

[00:01:59] We had this little beautiful dog, this little French bulldog pug mix named Zella. She's been with us for three years. She was really kind of like the power plant of the family, you know what I mean? Just a non-stop lover, a non-stop energy force who just, you know, she was the life of the party every day. She kept the big dogs running and crazy and happy and having fun. And she really was my youngest.

[00:02:30] Funny enough, my oldest was the one who wanted her, but she really took to my youngest. And, you know, she was that dog. You know, you had that dog, probably. You had that dog or you had that pet, you know what I mean? That was extremely special to you. And we woke up. She had, like, some back pain the day before, but she, you know, she's wild.

[00:02:58] She is like a meteorite, you know what I mean? Flying through life. And she's lived life to the fullest like, I don't think, any creature I've ever met. 24-7, non-stop, you know. And so she was down on Wednesday. And, you know, it's not the first time I've seen it. I've seen her hurt a leg or hurt, you know, just from the rough house and playing, running crazy.

[00:03:29] And she usually chills out and lays and relaxes for a day. But by 3 in the morning, she went to bed Wednesday night, no problem. 3 in the morning, she's up. And she's panting like crazy. And by 6 in the morning, I'm at the vet. And she's lost most of her function of her back legs. I'm an emergency vet, you know.

[00:03:57] So then I decide to take her to our vet. And I get there. I get there by about, I think it was 9 or something like that. I can't remember. 11? Might have been 11. 11? And by that point, she was pretty much totally paralyzed from the waist down. And I've lost dogs, you know. Um, but I think this was the worst.

[00:04:26] Because the dogs that I lost had cancer. The dogs that I lost were old. The dogs that I lost had lived 15 years. You know what I mean? This was a 3 year old dog. And from the waist up, she was still full, still her. You know what I mean? This was also the first kid dog to go. So this was the first dog of the family.

[00:04:56] You know, we had dogs. My wife and I had dogs. And the kids loved our dogs. But they weren't their dogs. They didn't pick them out. They didn't go get them. They didn't grow up with them as puppies. You know, that whole thing. So suffice it to say, PBN family, yesterday was hell. From start to finish. I slept about an hour. I went up to bed at 1 in the morning. And I was back up with her at 3 in the morning. And, you know, it was hell. The whole day was hell.

[00:05:26] The whole day I was riding shotgun with death, like I said. He was there the whole time. You know, it was just on the back of my mind. From the moment the guy came in, the emergency vet came in at 6 a.m. And said that her left leg was basically paralyzed. And look, you know, we could have rushed her. In case, she experienced something very common with a breed called IVDD.

[00:05:51] And we could have rushed her in to an emergency neurological surgery that would have cost $12,000. Yeah, I said $12,000 is what I said in case you needed me to say it again. And if that all went well, which, I mean, there was an 85% chance, something like that, at 6 a.m., maybe at 6 a.m. I don't know. You know, I really don't know.

[00:06:21] It's too much up in the air. But let's say best case scenario, by the time she got an appointment, got in that day, you know, they weren't doing no neurological surgeries at 6 a.m. So that's not happening. So she would have had to wait. She would have lost more feeling and all that. And, you know, the more you lose in this situation, the less likely you're going to get it back. By the time we had to make a choice, it was either do or die, literally, for the poor little girl.

[00:06:50] So the vet told us you have, at this point, with no feeling in either back leg, you have about a 50% chance of that surgery working. And if it doesn't work, then she goes through surgery and she wakes back up in hell and in pain. And now she's paralyzed. And what that means is you have to press on her bladder three times a day, make her go pee. You know, you have to, some of you out there might think you do what you can do.

[00:07:21] You know, you do everything you can, you know what I mean? But I lived through, I watched a man be kept alive for months as half of himself. And I'm telling you right now, if I could do it all again and get away with it, I'd kill him right after the stroke. Because it, and he would have, he would have welcomed it. Trust me. Because it was terror.

[00:07:50] It was horror of the highest order for everybody involved. But suffice it to say, you know, there was that option. There was a six to eight week recovery period where she wouldn't be allowed to move. And, or, you know, move very sparingly. And you have to understand, like I told you at the head of the show, this is not a dog who moves sparingly, period. You know, I can't, I really can't think of a worse situation to put her in.

[00:08:20] So it just, you know, I don't know. I don't often, you know, to be honest with you, we don't have a lot of bad days here at the Walton House. It's a pretty good life. But every so often you're reminded by life that it is life and life is suffering. And there's always a dose around the corner waiting for you. Always. Which is why you got to live it to the best of your capability every single day. Because the bad times will come.

[00:08:48] There is no, there is no shaking the bad times eternally. Right? It's going to happen. It's going to come. It's going to rip your heart out. It's going to rip your kids' heart out. It's going to rip your parents' heart out. It's the whole thing. You know? It is the course of life of mortal men on this earth. That's what it is. I'll tell you a story. I mean, I'll tell you what I was almost about to do yesterday.

[00:09:15] Because I, just to give you a peek into the desperation in the household. I was all queued up to get on the show and beg. Before I understood what was going on. I was literally going to start an Indiegogo or whatever. You know, the weird thing was something the day before something told me. Why don't you create one of those PayPal donation buttons for PBN? Everybody has one now. Every podcast.

[00:09:42] Everybody has a buy me a coffee button except PBN. And I literally created one yesterday. I posted it up on Twitter. And it was so weird to wake up the next day. And now we'll get into the weirdness of the day if you want. Because there was a lot of weird stuff. There was that. There was the PayPal button. Because I literally, I was sitting in front of my microphone, guys. And I was like, I'm going to get on here and I'm going to see if we can cobble together at least some money.

[00:10:10] And figure out if we really want to go through this surgery. Because at this point, you know, I had a lot of misconceptions. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I thought we had time. We had no time. In fact, when I was sitting there and she was on our couch back home after the first vet appointment. I think we were already out of time. But I didn't know. You know, I was trying whatever I could figure out to do. And I was on deck, you know, to do that.

[00:10:40] I was going to get on here and beg fundamentally. Because 12 grand is a tall order, man. That's a tall order for anybody. But I wanted to pull it off for my kid, you know. I had an interview that day for the Prepper Cam Speaker Series. At 1 o'clock. That I had to cancel because I knew where the day was going.

[00:11:09] I wasn't 100% sure that we were going to have to put her down. But I knew it wasn't going to be a good day in our house. And what's most crazy about it is... I was interviewing Joel from Fortress K9. I had him on the books for a week, literally. The man behind Fortress K9. The dog training booth there at Prepper Camp.

[00:11:38] Every single year, he's a great guy. He offers an incredible service. He's been on the network in the past. And my brain was just thumping. I was just looking at that email. And I'm thinking to myself, what are the odds? That this is the interview we have for today. And the situation that I'm in. With my K9. You know what I mean? It was hell, PBN family. That's all. You know. It was a strangely timed hell.

[00:12:06] In a very interesting, very weird way. And being so selfish and such a self-absorbed person... It's hard not to feel selfish and self-absorbed when I'm about to tell you what I'm about to tell you. So I want to preface it with that, you know. But being such a selfish person... And I think we're all to some degree this way. Hurting all day over death. You know, first the proximity of death. The chance of death. Then the very stark reality of death.

[00:12:36] And how it's going to ripple through everybody in my house. And then watching it ripple through everybody. You know. The world has been at war so long now that we are getting numb to it. Right? And what really started to resonate in my head... Which I thought was a great snappy answer by the president when he was back getting ready to run again. And the lady talked to him about Russia and Ukraine. And he said, I just want to stop. We need to stop the killing.

[00:13:05] I just want to stop people from dying. Having that dagger in my heart yesterday all day... Was one of the first times I really felt the importance of just that. I really felt it. You know what I mean? I really felt the feeling. And I really felt those words. Let's just stop people dying. Let's stop the killing. And I know.

[00:13:34] It's like you should feel that every day. You should, you know. Duh. No duh. Like Palestine. Have you seen Palestine? Do you remember what happened on October 7th? And subsequent deaths from the IDF and throughout this whole thing. And there's going to be more deaths in the IDF. And there's going to be more Iranian deaths now. You know what I mean? The Ukraine. The whole thing. Right? We're awash in death. Everything is death around us anymore it feels like. And the residual effects of death are a son of a bitch.

[00:14:06] And it's been a while for me. I mean I lost my old dog Lola in January. You know 15 years old. She had an amazing life. And it was one of those deaths that was well planned. You know what I mean? You know it's coming. She's had a great life. You know there's no. It's the inevitability of the flesh. And I think what yesterday was for me was the reminder that death can come at any moment.

[00:14:36] Right? It's not your old parents all the time. It's not the old dog all the time that goes. It's not the death that you're prepared for. Like sometimes it just swoops down and takes your breath away. And rips something out of your life that you haven't even had one moment to think about living without. And that's happening to people all over the world.

[00:15:05] I mean it happens anyway because of the course of life. But it's happening to lots and lots of people all the time now because we're perpetually killing one another. And we got to get beyond that man. You know? We have to find a way to get beyond that. And I'm telling you right now. Artificial intelligence is not the force that's going to show up and make us peaceful people. It's only us.

[00:15:39] All that aside. As dark a day as it was. The world still carries on. You know what I mean? There are still people today who are sharpening their blades and their pitchforks. Pitchforks and lighting their filling their Molotov cocktails for tomorrow in the United States. Figuring out what kind of nefarious things they're going to do after the mostly peaceful protest. The no kings protest.

[00:16:11] God only knows what's going to happen in the Middle East. God only knows what's going to happen in Ukraine. I mean things are ratcheting up like never before. Massive attack from Russia just yesterday. Right now the United States seems to be in this middle ground. It really does. You know? It really seems to be in an ineffective middle ground right now.

[00:16:42] But maybe this ineffective middle ground is what it looks like to have America be isolationist. Right? We'll show up and we'll help our allies from time to time. And we'll try to broker peace as best we can. But at the end of the day the people who are suffering the losses are the Ukrainians. The Palestinians. The Russians. The Iranians. The, you know, the Yemenites. Yemenites? Yemenians? Yemenians?

[00:17:12] Yemenians? Yemenans. I don't know. The people fighting the wars. The countries and the nations fighting the wars are the ones suffering the heavy casualties. And I guess as an American citizen. Better them than us. It's their war for God's sake. Right? Better their boys than ours. It's their war. It's their fight. You know?

[00:17:41] Is peace a joke? I mean really. Listen, I'm cynical right now. You gotta understand. I'm in a highly cynical situation. I'm one day away from a vacation. Literally. Literally the day before. The things that I went through yesterday mentally to try to work out how we're gonna manage this new situation in our life. A day before the vac... Two days before we shove off for a vacation. You know, are we gonna do surgeries?

[00:18:10] Are we gonna do rehab on vacation? What are we gonna do with this little dog now that is inoperable? Can we nurse her back to health? We gotta do what we can to get her back to health. Jacob is gonna... He's never even experienced a heartbreak. Anything akin to what he's about to be hit with today. These are the things going through my mind all day yesterday. You know what I mean? And now I'm up back the morning after drinking coffee. I wake up to the world deeper in war than ever before.

[00:18:41] And, uh... Yeah, my guard's up a bit, PBN family. I'm a little cynical this morning. I'm looking out at the world and trying to figure out what exactly the hell are we doing? What exactly the hell are we doing? And I'm getting a little, you know, what else can go wrong sort of sneer on my face type of deal, right? What do they call it? It's like jaded, you know what I mean? To some degree.

[00:19:11] But it's just life. It's just life. It's nothing different, you know? It's just like... It's like the book. I'm telling you. I know that the... There are people out there listening who bought poems for men who are gonna buy poems for men because... You get it, you know? But even if you don't get it, it's ten bucks. And I'm telling you... You will suffer something in life. You have suffered things in life.

[00:19:39] And it's just such a stark reminder to read old texts written by people. And to understand the conditions that we all face. It's such a good... It's such an amazing thing about community. To have people around you to say, Not only have I gone through what you're going through, dude, but... Everybody goes through it.

[00:20:08] And it's a reminder that this is life. And it's also a reminder that when you have those... When you have those runs of pure bliss... You have those runs... And those runs of pure bliss turn into monotony. That's exactly what it is. The day before Zella was hurt, We were in a monotonous grind on our way to vacation. You know? Stasis becomes monotony because we're so fucking spoiled.

[00:20:38] Literally. Oh, the kid's healthy again. He's off to school. Oh, the wife is off to work. The husband's off to work. You know, the kids go... We gotta take the kids to soccer. Oh. Oh, monotonous life. Right? Oh, boring and monotonous life where everything is fine. And the clean water is running. And the power is on. And the air conditioner is blowing. And the fridge. Oh, what will I make for dinner tonight? Woe is me. I have to cook another meal. What will I feed my family with tonight?

[00:21:09] Oh, the monotonous life of it all. Right? And in doing that, man, you're in that run of bliss. And it's just... It's such a good reminder. Like, you turn bliss into monotony. You turn all the good into a monotonous existence if you're not careful. And everybody's guilty of it. You know, there's nobody who escapes it.

[00:21:37] You wake up every day in your home and things are going well. People are healthy. People are happy. Right? You're going about your day busying yourself with the vicissitudes of life. Because this is just what the hell life is. And only when you're smashed with some kind of nightmarish surprise, which we all face from time to time.

[00:22:04] Only in that moment, really, can you look back and go, Oh, I had it so good and I was just pissing and moaning over ground beef. You know what I mean? So it is what it is. You know, it's the course of life of mortal men in this world. Yeah. That's about all I want to do today. Okay?

[00:22:30] I have to say this because we really are at the final hour. And it would be stupid for me to write a book and not promote it. No matter how I feel about the day. And I do feel cynical for sure. But if you have Amazon Prime, today is the day. You will receive the book Sunday. Tomorrow you will not receive the book Sunday. You know? So just as a reminder to anybody out there who wants to buy it for their dad, wants to buy it for their husband,

[00:23:00] who wants to buy it for themselves for Father's Day and kick back and say, Hey, I got this. This is part of my Father's Day treat. Today's the last day. You know? Today's the last day. My backyard is empty. The surviving dogs, the three boys, they're all at camp running around with other dogs having fun. Thank God in heaven the two pit bulls will be coming with me for vacation. We're going to bring the two big boys on vacation. Thank God.

[00:23:30] I don't think I could enjoy it. I don't know. I don't know if I could enjoy it without a fur ball laid up with me. At least at some point during the vacation. You know? The pain is real, PBM family. The pain for a little 28-pound ball of love.

[00:24:01] It's a beautiful day, though. It's a beautiful life. Enjoy yours, okay? We all have that moment where we can share our suffering with someone else and use it as a reminder not to take advantage of all the beauty that you have. You know what I mean? I appreciate you, PBM family. Be safe out there. God only knows what's coming right over the horizon.

[00:24:28] Shore your preps up today, tomorrow, over the weekend. And maybe I may come to you a little later today with a little more prepper-centric podcast for the events. Just don't got it in me at the moment. Talk to you soon.