Raising Values: Abuse

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values podcast through Patreon.

[00:00:15] The Langillian are behind the mic and we hope you enjoy the show. Welcome back to Raising Values. Our cat has suddenly decided after an entire morning of sleeping in that she desperately needs tension right now. Yeah, I'll give it to her. Welcome back. I'm emotionally stable today.

[00:00:44] Are you though? We'll see. I'm not crying. At least I'm not crying on this episode yet. It doesn't necessarily imply stability. Just… Dang. Rough. Maybe that's a good reason why we're having this topic today.

[00:01:03] Yeah, I mean we kind of skirted around the whole topic of abuse in the last episode, which oddly enough wasn't at all where I thought that topic was going to go. But I thought it bore some further discussion because like, you know, abuse… Well, wait a second.

[00:01:24] Before you get into it, last week we had to go back and watch last week's episode because we kept saying, oh that's another topic for another day. Oh that's another topic for another day. We did that three times. And we didn't write any of it down. We didn't.

[00:01:39] And it was all in the span of like five minutes of the show so it was really easy for me to capture those topics. But so I… I know I texted you and you were in the other room but you were working on something

[00:01:50] electrical with… for Stuart or whatever. And so I was like let me just text him also so that I have it. But all three of those topics that we said we should do all revolved around abuse at some level or whatever. And so… Yeah.

[00:02:07] And then one of them was like, I don't know if I'm ready to open that can of worms and display dirty laundry of my family in such a public forum. And so I'm kind of going to skirt around a couple of things but I don't know.

[00:02:22] We'll see how much I get into what the abuse was and… But that's why I made… … continues and stuff. Yeah, I'm glad you made banners because that'll help me stay on track. You're also responsible for my track today. Oh goodness.

[00:02:38] The whole point of the banners was more than anything to try to like give us an avenue to talk about instances of abuse that we have either witnessed or been party to like you know seeing someone else go through it without having to directly address that person's situation.

[00:02:56] Sure. Because I wouldn't… We try to make it a rule like not to drag anybody from our past or from our lives if they're not here to defend themselves. Absolutely. But… Absolutely. But let's start with the one that's probably the simplest to point out and will require

[00:03:12] the least amount of discussion. Physical abuse is probably what most people think of when they hear about abuse. I'm not drawing lines in any of this between spouses, friends, family, co-workers, random people on the street. Abuse can come from anywhere. It usually comes…

[00:03:33] I in my experience like from the people that we're closer to just because we let them in further. But physical abuse is probably the one that doesn't require a lot of discussion because like everybody's… Everybody has witnessed physical abuse at some point or the other.

[00:03:49] Everyone can pretty well understand like that's hitting, that's inappropriate, touching, that's physical abuse. Yeah. I think it's also… Oh, Stuart. That was Stuart whose comment says, I can't be responsible for getting you off track if you… Oh, I can be responsible.

[00:04:09] Well, you know, I rely on you sometimes too, Stuart. Our sleepy little town of Mandeville was today Sunday. On Friday was kind of rocked with a domestic abuse that went really bad. Actually a block from my school. So there…

[00:04:32] I'm not going to get into details but police were called. Police show up here screaming in the house. A woman runs out, the man runs down. This doesn't make sense to me. I'm thinking that there might be a little bit left out in the story but supposedly

[00:04:46] the cop is between the two of them but the man shoots the woman and the woman dies on the front lawn or at the hospital but she gets shot multiple times. Cop tases the man but he's still able to move and then the cop comes up from

[00:05:00] behind and shoots the man and kills him. Anyway, so obviously there was some abuse happening for it to escalate to her being murdered in the front yard with a gun. So there had to be signs. Yeah? You think?

[00:05:18] Unless he was hitting her in places that didn't show signs. It could have also… Well, we're not to that other mental abuse but physical abuse. Yeah, I don't think you have to… We don't have to beat that horse. You don't have to beat that horse. Like literally? Ouch.

[00:05:36] Geez, Phil. I wasn't a good one. Yeah. I mean I wanted to start here because I feel like that's the one that doesn't require a lot of pointing out. Most people should just naturally understand, yes, that's definitely abuse

[00:05:49] but I wanted to also get in some things that most people, that a lot of people would not see as abuse or they would dismiss or they would say, well that's not abuse and those are the things I really want to spend some time on.

[00:06:03] Well, time out on physical abuse. I think we could definitely instead of thinking spouses or adults abusing each other, there have been instances in my life where the physical abuse was traumatizing. Mm-hmm. Traumatizing and not so much on me but watching it on family members and there…

[00:06:30] I don't know how they got away with it, the physical abuse because unless… Oh God, I'll just give the same… Presenting the image of the perfect family outwards so that nobody wants to… I'm talking about the bruises and cuts and things that were left on my sister.

[00:06:50] Kids fell downstairs. Well, maybe so. I don't know. I'm not saying that to be dismissive of what you're saying. I'm just saying that like… And this is going to apply to all of this. I feel like two things happen with a majority of abuse.

[00:07:02] I feel like a lot of people don't want to get involved, they don't want to acknowledge it, they don't want to admit it's happening because then they have a moral obligation to step in especially when it's portrayed towards children and call what it is especially

[00:07:20] in a lot of these… in a lot of communities you've already said like not wanting to air family dirty laundry, that applies here too. A lot of families don't want to air their dirty laundry and even if their parent is

[00:07:36] beating the crap out of them they don't want to air that and be the kid who's… Well people don't want to walk into the dirty laundry. But what I'm saying is from the victim's perspective they don't want to air that

[00:07:48] out and then everybody knows my mom and dad beat me up. There's a ton of pressure where it comes to all forms of abuse where people… They don't want to… Even the victims a lot of times don't want to acknowledge it.

[00:08:00] I mean the sexual assault reporting rate is known to be many times less than what the number of assaults actually is. There's shame involved. People don't want to admit it's happening. They don't… They believe, I think erroneously that like the fact that I'm being abused is a reflection

[00:08:21] on me. What have I done to allow this or what have I done to deserve this? So I think there's tons of pressure for people even victims of physical abuse especially children to cover it up because they don't want… There's a shame involved.

[00:08:36] There's a disappointment of your… you know you've disappointed your parents and there was… so hang on I got to get my words right in my head. So there was spankings and that was one… I don't consider spankings abuse. Okay hang on let me get my words right again.

[00:08:58] We grew up getting spankings. We also grew up being punching bags too and more so for my sisters for whatever reason I don't know why I was skipped over so much but that's like a survivor's guilt kind of thing that I have to work through.

[00:09:16] But when I became a parent we spanked Piper. I can think she's been spanked not even ten times. It wasn't my… What I had to do as an adult and as a parent was decide that spanking was a last resort.

[00:09:38] It was a way to turn behavior around quickly that needed to be turned around quickly and it was never done in anger. My… god I guess I really am spilling the beans. My parents abused in anger.

[00:09:57] They abused in shame and when they thought that their image was being tarnished more so my mom than my dad because my dad was also abused. My mom was too. There's always going to be people that say well that didn't happen like that or that

[00:10:19] didn't happen like that. Well everyone's perspective of how they were raised and the things that happened to them is going to be different than the people that watched or it didn't happen to. And for me I have always thought this isn't right, this isn't how parents should treat

[00:10:36] their children and I can remember one beating my sister got when she was a teenager she was in high school and I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do. I mean I was probably only 12, 13, 40, 15, 16, 17, maybe even younger than that.

[00:10:59] Maybe 10, maybe 8, 9 or 10 and I watched this happen and I won't go into like super details but I will tell you that it wasn't just a hand or a belt you know extension cords were being used and there was some pretty awful things that happened in my house

[00:11:19] growing up. Yeah so when we had children I never wanted that. I didn't want, I didn't want to scream at her. I didn't want to, that was one of those curses that I knew again on my checklist

[00:11:36] that was going to be broken and I was never going to spank her out of anger and I had decided that if I got angry enough at her, a child,

[00:11:48] if I got angry enough at this child that I needed to just walk away and like tag her it. And we did that sometimes. Absolutely. There would be times where you would say I can't do this right now, I'm overloaded,

[00:11:58] you back off and I'd step in but to me the key was always if you're, it doesn't matter what punishment you're doling out, if you're doing it because you're angry, it's wrong. Even if it's the right thing to do, you're doing it for the wrong reasons,

[00:12:16] you're doing it for the wrong motivations. So that's why I was always very particular about, you know, there were times where I'd dole out a punishment tour, like put her in the corner and be like you're going to be there for 10 minutes

[00:12:26] and about three minutes later I was like 10 minutes is probably excessive. I need to roll that back a little bit. Yeah. But it always came back to the idea that like you said spanking was always the last resort and you never, we never spanked because we were angry.

[00:12:42] We spanked nine times out of 10. It was because the old counting one, two, three, if we get to three, we know what's coming next. Like our child always had ample opportunity to arrest her behavior before she got spanked.

[00:12:57] And it was usually because she just felt the need to push that limit just a little bit that we had to remind her like no, we're mom and dad and the limit is where the limit is. But that's physical abuse in a nutshell.

[00:13:12] I mean, that's hitting is probably like, you know, the simplest way to put it but it's easy to recognize was the reason I started with it. Most people will see it and say that's obviously abuse. Yeah. I want to go back through some of these comments.

[00:13:27] Joe asked what is it when mom knows watches the physical abuse but ignores it? I don't... Wait, put that back up. I didn't finish reading it. I'm sorry. He said is that a double down physical and mental abuse? I don't think it's physical. Absolutely mental. Absolutely mental.

[00:13:51] I would always also characterize it as another form of abuse. I put in here later that I want to save her later. Oh, okay. So we'll come back to that comment then I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, we are... He said, dragging up some mess today.

[00:14:04] Yeah, I had to think about this topic like big time to make sure that I was ready to say some things. You actually said you weren't going to air dirty laundry. I know, but I mean, I can't really talk about this subject without airing the dirty laundry.

[00:14:23] I mean, I can say group and abuse of household, you know, until I'm blue in the face, but what exactly does that mean? And when we started this podcast and you said, well, do you think that there's enough content to really keep it going?

[00:14:36] I thought about it and I was like, this was one of the things I thought about. Like I have so much that I went through, but then my sister's story, both of them is I think even more traumatic than mine.

[00:14:56] And like I said, there's a lot of, I guess you could call it survivor's guilt because I used to pick on my sisters and say, I just watched what you did and I didn't do that so that I wouldn't get hit.

[00:15:09] And there, you know, truth and jest, that really was, I think, how I flew under the radar so much. That and I think by the time I got to a position of maybe like my teenage years, my parents were just so done with being

[00:15:30] parents that they didn't care. They didn't care where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. They just didn't care. And that kind of goes into some other abuse that happened. And I don't know where it would fit on here.

[00:15:46] Maybe mental abuse, maybe neglect, but there was some pushing to be in certain relationships, me pushing me to be in certain relationships with certain people. And then there was some like, I just put this in our little pocket for a future topic when

[00:16:13] parents quit being parents because yeah, I think there's a lot of stories there to. It's crazy because I so I have unpacked a lot of this. I think I got more mental abuse than anything. I didn't get the whole physical abuse and I, and again, we'll

[00:16:32] probably get to get to this later on in your banners. But I still allow a lot of the abuse to happen because I still have this whole, I have to take care of my parents and they're my parents and you know, blah, blah, blah.

[00:16:50] And so sometimes I just allow those things to continue that emotional abuse to continue. And I got a lot of that emotional abuse and that still sometimes do. I'm better at being able to see it for what it is now.

[00:17:05] And I have put up a bunch of guards to what? You started talking about it so I flipped to the next banner. Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to move forward. No, I mean that but that was you went there and

[00:17:20] so your next banner because remember mental, emotional abuse and bullying. And I think that this is the one that sometimes is in some in some ways it's a little more difficult to put a finger on. You know what I'm saying?

[00:17:36] Because like when people think bullying, they think like a person in from position of strength or position of authority using that strength and authority to to you know demean or to belittle someone with less power or authority. And that doesn't just happen like on the schoolyard when the

[00:17:59] big kids pick it on the little kids that can be parent to child that can be older sibling to younger sibling that can be senior employee to junior employee in co-worker situations like bullying and mental emotional abuse that happens anywhere.

[00:18:16] The cat is having a con nip should I can hear her. But they I don't think the mic's that sensitive but we're going to hear for the rest of the episode apparently. I don't even know what she's mad about. Her sister's not awake. Oh, that's the problem.

[00:18:32] Anyway, so that's that's kind of the next place I want to go was you know mental emotional bullying which you were you were talking about the fact that you might have escaped a lot of the physical abuse but simply being in

[00:18:48] that household where you were in constant fear of the next glass breaking thing flying and up and hitting the wall. The next fight between the next fight all that is mental emotional, maybe not direct bullying, but I characterize all that as mental and emotional abuse just to be

[00:19:09] placed in the environment and have to grow up in it. Yeah, and it took different forms as we got older. It like I said you know I like you said I was there I watched it and I can't speak for the way that my

[00:19:29] sisters went through it because they they had physical I had more of the mental but then the mental came I mean the mental was always there for everybody even my parents against each other. There was total mental abuse. There's also physical abuse and between the two of

[00:19:49] them so and we put on this really nice facade you know we went to church every Sunday even though the car ride to church was I can I can remember having a conversation with one of my sisters because we would get in the car to go to church

[00:20:06] and our parents would fight so horribly and hit each other in the front seat and then one of them whoever was driving would get would pull over and make the other one get out and start walking home. Every time I say something I feel like

[00:20:21] I'm just putting more clothes on the clothes line with shit all over them. But here's a question did those fights ever happen on the way to church? That's what I'm saying every Sunday they happen on the way to church. To church or on the way home? To church.

[00:20:38] And no one said anything when the family showed up and then the other parent showed up late. Well the parent never came. Oh they just turned around and went home. Well they would start walking and then the other parent would go and pick them up and drop them

[00:20:54] off at home and we would go to church and present this happy little family or and it was always so and so doesn't feel well today or whatever. Or they'd go and pick up the other spouse and we would go to church and it was just, oh god

[00:21:10] it was just awful, it was awful and then we'd walk into church and everything would be you know fine and dry your tears and whatever pretty faces. It's nothing we were talking about before where I said that the parties to the abuse often

[00:21:27] don't want to admit there's abuse happening because of the shame involved. You don't want to be the child whose parents are behaving like that because it's embarrassing. Well and they weren't fighting because of us on Sundays. I'm just saying like yeah we

[00:21:42] yeah. I think they were fighting because they were just miserable people but. Well and two we didn't know any different like we didn't know that this wasn't normal, that this wasn't every household. I distinctly remember a time when you told me that

[00:21:58] like the first time you told me like your family is so different from mine I didn't completely put together what you meant until you explained it like you know just a very different environment. Yeah why do you think why do you think I love going to your

[00:22:16] your house like every time we go to your house, your parents house, I take a nap because I'm so I'm so just at peace with your parents I can find because when we're at your parents house even though there are days when your brother's there

[00:22:35] that I want to knock him in the back of the head he's still like a little brother which is normal. You slapped him in the back of the head the first time you met him. I know. She's in. I just get this

[00:22:50] like like that I can just breathe a sigh of relief when I go to your parents house because that's what a family supposed to be like that's the family that you and I have created. I have to work myself up

[00:23:06] for if I know like I'm going like I knew I had to go over there on Tuesday because my mom had surgery. I had to work myself up for at least a week half a week to be ready to present myself and then the other day I went

[00:23:25] over there and just to check and whatever and I just I did not want to go. I did not want to be there. I did not want to go attention in the house is still so thick. I don't want to be a part of it.

[00:23:40] My energy just it's just it just gums up. That's how bad that energy is my my energy gums up and I just feel like I'm walking through sludge when I'm there and it's just because they just don't have good energy and I hate that

[00:24:00] for them. I really do. I love my parents. I really do love my parents. I don't want to be around them often and I will take care of them. I will do what needs to be done as a child and I know

[00:24:16] that that's I know that somebody is going to come back and say you don't have to and you know I talk about removing toxic people from your life all the time and not having those negative energies and not having those low vibrations in

[00:24:29] your life and things like that and for the most part I do but for some reason I cannot dismiss my parents because they're my parents. You know I look at my mom who came out of surgery on Tuesday and she was not very lucid at

[00:24:46] all obviously between the anesthesia and then the pain medicine that they gave her. She just wasn't she didn't know who I was. I mean I was Miss Rosie. I don't know who Miss Rosie is but I was Miss Rosie on Tuesday and I was

[00:25:00] feeding her green frogs so but there was a moment when I'm literally hand feeding her something and I just I had this like moment where I was like there's a person in there. There's a person who hurts, there's a person who

[00:25:21] cares, there's a person in there and it sucks that I can only see that person when she's so doped up you know and then I was able to get a clear look at my father who was sitting in his chair and I'm like I understand why she

[00:25:38] complains about you all the time. Like I don't know. I love my parents. I do. I don't, this is really hard to air dirty laundry. It's probably something that I need to talk about and maybe see a therapist for whatever but I do feel

[00:25:53] well I do feel like I'm in a better place and so what is the therapist gonna do that? I can't work through these emotions by myself you know. Because I don't think I don't think you do work through them. Okay well why?

[00:26:07] Because I think if you compare me to 10 years ago with them I think I've done a lot of improvement. You have but I don't know. You and I will always have very different defense mechanisms to abuse and I personally like you this is

[00:26:25] something that you and I have argued about but like I've had people in my life that I consider to be abusive towards me and I just ejected them. Like I don't care of its family. I don't care. I don't, I draw no

[00:26:39] distinctions. I look at it as and I've been very particular about the fact that like and people that I'm close to know this about me like I hold people that I'm close to to a higher standard than casual friends because if you're a

[00:26:53] casual friend I could take your alivia but if you're a close friend I let you in and if you use that proximity to act abusively towards me you're out and there may never be mending of that friendship because I've allowed you

[00:27:07] in you've abused my trust and it hasn't been a popular sentiment you know in the past like the fact that I can just cut somebody off the knees and discard them but my point of view is very simply like if you are if you're

[00:27:23] willing to behave that way towards me then you do not you do not regard this friendship the way I do you don't regard this relationship the way I do and then we can't have a relationship anymore and I had there are family

[00:27:38] members that like I may never see again before their funeral I don't go around every day thinking to myself all I hate that person because what they did me ten years ago I just think to myself when we're together you act abusively

[00:27:51] towards me I'm not going to allow that anymore and if that means we don't see each other we don't see each other that's not I don't feel like that's me being inappropriate I feel like that's me responding to somebody else yeah because I know I didn't start

[00:28:06] dancing to our music I don't know I mean I I am better about removing toxic people from my life that that just that are like our just friends or quaintances or whatever I mean I I what's the word not disqualified why am

[00:28:30] I thinking disqualified I got rid of two friendships this year based on I felt like they were toxic people there were and you have told me that for years now that you know this person and I'm not going to go into the next banner just

[00:28:49] yet but this the things that this person did and I finally was able enough to cut communication I tried to have a conversation I was gaslighted and I just said that's it that's enough I'm not doing this anymore because if I continue to argue this point with you

[00:29:07] you're just going to continue to gaslight make yourself the victim and so I said that's it that's enough you are now professional only like and that's that's just a wave in carline that's not a communication please don't text me I haven't I haven't gotten the

[00:29:28] nerve yet because see like you you were like unfriend block whatever I'm still in this chat this group chat that I cannot remove myself from because I don't want to be talked about when the little notification that says Gillian has left the chat comes across I'm getting there

[00:29:50] and the more time I spend with your sister the closer I get because thank you back up back as my black cat to my golden retriever so she's very much I needed your sister I didn't realize how much I needed your sister in my life just

[00:30:05] listen to me yeah I told you the exact same things she does I know I know look we haven't gone through these comments and they've kind of been rolling in so I need to read through some of them really quick before we

[00:30:19] keep going okay oh wow um I think we left off about where that guy comments guy that comments no you don't have to put it up I just didn't read it you got to traumatize those you love that way that they stay bonded for life like a

[00:30:38] Garrett Garot Garot I don't know about that I think I think don't think he was advocating for that I think he was saying that's the reason why abusers abuse oh I think I think so okay keep going down pause the cast I got funny

[00:31:05] Stewart and then Joe down here saying Gillian it's okay to be angry saying no is a sentence I have that's my one of my favorite phrases no is a complete sentence he also said I was right which I'm happy about that yes but the

[00:31:22] good thing is comments go away after the show's over it's the Internet nothing ever goes I know that Phil is right Phil is right and I can just walk away now you said it out loud and it's recorded on video and audio but I think

[00:31:37] this is where the emotional abuse comes in because I deal with the guilt of what happens if I walk away who's gonna take care of them I mean my dad can barely walk and my mom I believe my mom has dementia and they don't like

[00:31:53] each other they live together they don't like each other although they'll be like I love you I love you too blah blah blah but so I who's gonna take care of them Jesus yes Jesus will take care of them but in the physical

[00:32:13] form Jesus I don't know I'm not at a place yet where I can walk away and the good thing is I have my sister I have my sisters Gabriel lives further away than my older sister does so it's easier for me to reach out to her because she's

[00:32:32] a little bit closer drive but we kind of all go through this together and sometimes we tag team it like alright I'm emotionally spent it's your turn and then they get emotionally spent then I have to go back in and because of my

[00:32:47] proximity to them to my parents I have to take care of them and I was gonna say most days I don't mind but most days I don't want to be there sometimes I just don't even want to answer the phone so sometimes I let the phone ring and

[00:33:06] then if they call me right back then I'll answer because sometimes maybe they figured out my cheat I don't know they have okay anyway so since we talked about this with the relationship you recently I think you're still in the process of terminating it just

[00:33:23] because you still hang around the group check because you don't want to be talked about but lying manipulation gaslighting like my my frustration in that specific relationship was for years I saw a person who at literally the drop of a hat would demand your full undivided attention

[00:33:44] didn't matter what it was did matter if it would you know like and yet they're staying for the audience more than you because you know I've talked about this like I am not a person that tells my wife you can't go out with your

[00:33:57] friends you need to stay here and wait on me hand and foot and you know fetch my slippers and my bourbon that's not how this relationship works first of all I'm far too independent for that to be your own bourbon well although

[00:34:08] you did walk up to me yesterday when I made a sandwich for lunch and you said where's yours yeah but I was needling you I was making a joke about you being a sandwich maker but I'm just I'm far too independent for that level of

[00:34:26] like spousal coddling and if you want to go out with your friends go out with your friends but what I knew was saying was that she would call you and regardless of what plans you had with me or our daughter regardless of what we

[00:34:39] had going on if we were just gonna have a quiet evening that night and just like you know try to get in some family time when she called she expect you to drop everything getting that car with her and go the expectation was there

[00:34:50] and not just that but it would always be oh we're just going to target three hours later you come home because just go to target for five minutes turn into 15 other things she just wanted your attention but she expected it of you but then after years and years

[00:35:05] and years of what I saw being a very one side of relationship when you said this is important to me I really would appreciate y'all getting involved in this crickets and like that kind of goes through the last the last point

[00:35:22] that I made but yeah when you ex you know like we kind of I think we've briefly discussed that whole situation but like I saw very one side of relationship and then when you finally went to express to her what she done hurt your feelings she basically made

[00:35:43] it out like it was your fault yeah and that's where basically well but that she gaslighted yeah and became the victim and but she gas lit you then there were other times where you remember how I'm the kind of notorious for telling you that there's three sides

[00:35:59] to every story there's his hers and what really happened and she manipulated your feelings to make you feel bad for her so that you would bend over backwards to help her through a difficult part of her life by only telling you her side of the story

[00:36:13] which I'm sure was very carefully manicured to make her look hurt make her out in the best possible light and her husband out in the worst and you and I've talked about as more and more details came out it was very obvious that she was not

[00:36:27] innocent in the in the in the situation she had with her well her okay and not to harp so much on that that her story because I the last thing I want is for her to have any sort of attention she was oh the two people this

[00:36:49] person and then another mutual friend of ours that I just said no more can't do this anymore they they they're not friends with their husbands like or ex-husbands or whatever they you know they they were always looking for that trip to target they're always looking for that

[00:37:11] next girls trip and that let's go here let's go do that let's go do this together let's go do that and I do enjoy just being the girls and having girls trip like I think it's different with your sister because I

[00:37:26] don't I don't get the the sense one more family but to we've become such good friends that I know that she would rather spend a weekend with her husband then a weekend with me and that is totally cool because I would rather spend a weekend with my husband

[00:37:44] and spend it with her all stop um but that was not the case with with these two they were always looking for ways to remove themselves from their household and I didn't like I didn't want to do all that I you know I I

[00:37:59] guess maybe I'm this is where I'm growing spiritually this year is that I'm trying to listen to my intuition more and listening to the feelings that I get when I'm in certain situations and I never 100% felt comfortable when I was with them I

[00:38:19] always felt like third wheel and a lot of a lot of times I felt like there was well third wheel I and I never understood that because I had I had done so much for them both of them in their lives to help them

[00:38:39] out with no I wasn't looking for anything in return but I never got anything in return either you know what I mean I got the invitation to go out and I got the you know let's go hang out kind of thing but anyway well but they

[00:38:55] were very one-sided relationships and it and then it turned then I saw for sure the gaslighting like it was just like what I have never been more clear in my life and I I let a couple of people read the text and I was like what do

[00:39:11] you think from this without giving any opinions on what happened or how it came out and they were like yeah this is you've totally been gaslit with this I don't remember my exact response but I'm sure it was something along the lines of like delete her

[00:39:27] text block her number f that woman forever like yeah well I haven't done all of that but it has been radio silence I haven't talked to her since January except for just little you know perfunctory yeah that I have to but anyway so I don't have a problem

[00:39:49] getting rid of people like that but when it comes to family yeah I mean you and I can agree to disagree about that though I just see and I get I still get the line manipulation and gaslighting from family to yeah but the line

[00:40:09] manipulation gaslighting also goes back something I've told you many times like once you once I catch you in one lie I assume your line to me for the rest of your life like you can't to use the phrase honesty is like virginity

[00:40:24] can't get it back once it's gone not with me at least other people you might be able to like win their trust back but to me it's like I'm always going to think in the back of my head now that I know you're capable of

[00:40:37] lying to me about and here's the if it's a little white lie then I'm going to assume everything that's a little white lie is you know within your purview to lie about but if it's a big lie then I'm like okay I now

[00:40:49] have to assume that every time the chips are down and there's pressure and there's emotions and they're shame you're gonna lie to protect yourself I can't come back from that like you can have a relationship without that but I don't think everyone in the audience would

[00:41:05] identify lying as a form of abuse but it is because it's manipulating your emotions it's manipulating we've talked about that on this podcast before but it's manipulating your understanding of the truth and of the world around you and of the facts to get to the end result

[00:41:21] that person wants and I put all this together just kind of like you know say like all this is an attempt twist your emotions to what end is up to the abuser but that's why I consider all this to be abusive behavior

[00:41:37] like no one's no one you're in a relationship with should be lying to you or trying to manipulate you and now for the one that I saved for last now for the one I save for last because I feel like this might be the most pervasive in a

[00:42:01] lot of cases neglect and being ignored so let's just say like you and I looking at looking at the host of different relationships you and I have witnessed like we I feel like you and I have seen a lot of a lot of marriages

[00:42:19] a lot of boyfriend and girlfriend where like they live together they do things together but there's no romance there's no attention there's no affection it's their roommates and even to the point where one partner is trying desperately to get the attention or the affection from

[00:42:39] the other and the other just doesn't care you know I'm saying I consider that to be abuse I don't think everyone would call this abuse though because there's going to be a lot of people who will they will attempt to explain this

[00:42:53] way by saying well that person is just stressed or that person is just tired or whatever and I'm like no there's a difference between I'm drained I can't pour from an anti-cup right this moment and a systematic pattern of I don't care about this person I am

[00:43:09] cohabitating with you know like we live together I keep a roof over their head that's as much as I'm required to do yeah you've been very chatty this whole time and now all of a sudden I got to carry this one by myself

[00:43:26] I told you you're going to have to keep this one on the tracks and I agree I think neglect and being ignored should go up there with mental emotional abuse not necessarily bullying but mental and emotional because it's a game you know it's all

[00:43:42] part of that whole mental emotional abuse game it's I'm going to neglect this person or I'm going to ignore this person which you know is kind of the same thing and I think the reason I separated those because to me like mental emotional bullying is

[00:43:58] to use the phrase like positive abuse in other words it's like I am doing something whereas neglect being ignored is negative abuse it's subtracting something that's the abusive behavior like if I if I am bullying you I am expending effort to directly impact your emotions

[00:44:18] whereas if I'm neglecting you there's something that should be there attention affection but I'm pulling it back but you're still affecting those emotions but on the flip side of things if if I were to be if I were in front of witnesses I were to start

[00:44:34] demeaning you for your whatever your looks your ability to cook pick something like your intelligence your intelligence okay yes if I were to start making fun that's a big one for me but if I were to start making fun of you about

[00:44:46] how you're so stupid you don't know anything and you can't add one in one together and you know nothing about biology and you think you're God's gift to entomology but you don't know anything anyone in the audience would naturally say that's bullying but if I sat here

[00:45:00] next to you and you were trying to like cuddle up on me and I just shrug away because I don't want anything to do with you that may not be perceived as bullying so that's why I separated the mouth yeah I can see that

[00:45:14] that's why I don't think but that's the reason I separated them out because mental emotional bullying I think is very it's easier to identify than neglect mm-hmm and not just I see that especially with the thing that you just did when you scooted your chair away

[00:45:30] excuse me definitely um neglect is more hidden I see that a lot with um you know I talk about how I'm in these mom groups on Facebook and there's always some there's always some woman on there who puts their dirty laundry out there usually

[00:45:52] in an anonymous post or whatever and it talks about the neglect that their husband gives them and what should they do and how do I make this better and all that stuff and a lot of the comments are there was a book that came out in the early

[00:46:08] 2000s I think it was early 2000s he's really not that into you he's really just not or whatever he's really not that into you and I read that book because I was dating this guy who he would come and go

[00:46:22] like I might hear from him today but then I hear from him for two more days supposedly he was my boyfriend yes that one who actually just reached out to me again a couple of weeks ago crazy Phil was ready to go breaks and knee caps

[00:46:42] no all I said was he's being friendly I know what his game is if he starts being extra friendly then I just need a home address I don't even know what his home address is I can find it I'm telling y'all Phil's going to go to jail

[00:46:56] because my ex-boyfriend reached out to me you only go to jail if you get caught oh lord mercy I don't even remember what I was talking about I got a fridz I'll have an alibi what was that saying I don't remember he would come and go

[00:47:10] oh no no no these women on Facebook he's really not that into you that's why I was reading the book and that's how I got to him so yeah so these women would respond with you know honey you need to leave him or whatever and

[00:47:24] some of them do say that's a form of abuse so I guess it is true that you should have taken that out of the mentally emotional bullying I think there's a lot of things that fall under these banners that are not

[00:47:40] mentioning I think there's all sorts of forms of abuse that people are becoming more and more aware of they're given names now like gaslighting I don't remember growing up with the term gaslighting and it wasn't until within the last handful of years that gaslighting became a thing

[00:48:00] so you know the nomenclature of a lot of these emotions and these things these forms of abuse that are happening have been happening for whatever ever since the existence of man is it's interesting to see and I think it just it's becoming

[00:48:20] the list is just growing is what I'm trying to say like there's just so many little things that you could tick off underneath emotional and mental abuse physical abuse that's like we said that's just a given pretty easy to spot exactly exactly

[00:48:36] and then I also think lying manipulation and gaslighting falls under mental and emotional abuse do you think I had a reason for separating them well I'm not I'm not suggesting you didn't have a reason or that it wasn't a good reason I'm just saying that those two

[00:48:54] banners lying manipulation gaslighting and then neglected being ignored fall under mental and emotional abuse if you yeah if you want to you want to use mental emotional abuse as like a big heading I was referring more directly to I guess bullying bullying and demeaning

[00:49:10] and intimidating would also fall under to me mental emotional bullying but I mean I think bullying I know this is not really what this whole show is about but I think bullying falls underneath the whole it should be with lying manipulation and gaslighting

[00:49:26] I guess to me it all comes down to intent though because like when I think of bullying I think of bullying as like I'm attempting to I'm attempting to exert power over you I'm attempting to push you down so that I'm more powerful whereas lying manipulation gaslighting

[00:49:42] is usually being done from a position of supposed equals like I'm not trying to intimidate you into doing what I want I'm trying to make you think it's your idea yeah if that makes sense more excuse me more that person becoming the victim

[00:50:00] exit that was the next thing I was about say will be a person who's playing the victim they're trying to manipulate you and feeling sorry for them so you'll do what they want but it's still it's a very different activity from bullying

[00:50:12] which is I am big and strong you're weak you're gonna do what I want versus I am weak you should feel sorry for me do what I want you to but as far as like neglect being ignored I mean this isn't a

[00:50:24] I don't feel like this is a new thing because I mean for a lot of years this was grounds for divorce like if if in a marriage one party or the other was I'm struggling to remember what the actual term for it was alienation of affection

[00:50:42] that's what it was alienation of affection was literally grounds for divorce for a long long time legal term I think on divorce papers yes that sounds right but but nowadays with no fault divorce you don't have to have a reason you just say I feel like level

[00:50:58] yeah we just went our separate ways yeah but for a long time like that was grounds for divorce if one party was not being like just kind to the other but I guess I mean I wanted to like put this in its own

[00:51:12] little box because we've talked about this in terms of spouses but this is also really really big between parent and child where there's and it does here's the thing of it it doesn't even have to be neglect of physical well-being like I don't if I

[00:51:28] if I feed my kid close my kid give him a bed to sleep in their physical needs are met but if I'm not making but if I am if they feel frightened in my home because I'm always running around screaming yelling and throwing stuff then that's there still

[00:51:44] being abused if they come to me and they've had a bad day they just need a hug and I say I'm not a hugger that's you're neglecting them like I raised my heart yeah again that's why I wanted to put this in here

[00:51:56] and kind of wrap up with it because like I see I see if a person if a person is intentionally meeting the needs of someone that they should be I consider that to be neglect and I consider that to be abusive behavior especially if you use

[00:52:14] neglect like a weapon you know I'm saying like I'm gonna neglect you until I was saying it and then I thought about it because you know how you and I talked about like when it comes to parenting like there are kids who will

[00:52:28] do they'll do stuff specifically to get to get attention they'll act up to get attention the children yes absolutely I see it every day and and I've said time and time again I'm like you know the way to short circuit that is just to ignore them like stop

[00:52:42] giving them attention if they misbehave see and okay time out there's one kid in my mind who every time he gets dropped off in the morning mom is on the phone doesn't say goodbye doesn't say I love you just the poor baby

[00:52:58] gets out of the car and he's young he's I think he's going into kindergarten he was also he's also very hard to manage because any attention is attention to him and so one of the things that I started to do in my class

[00:53:16] when he would come into my class was I would joke with him and I would say you know not even just joke with him but first to start off with like high fives you know hey give me a high five today I'm so proud of your behavior

[00:53:28] you did so great today with the Legos and just all these like reinforcements in his positive behavior when he showed it and then when this negative behavior came around I would I would talk to him about it and continue to give him that attention but you know

[00:53:50] tell him how much that this behavior is not first it's not necessary you don't have to act like this because Mr. Abelay has already I'm already showing you a lot of attention you don't have to do this so there's a lot

[00:54:02] of like breaking that but it's not going to be broken because then he gets picked up and goes home and then it's still there and he has to then revert back to any attention is good attention and then he comes back to school the next day

[00:54:16] and we're breaking the cycle again for the day and then he goes home you know and poor baby he's already such an emotional mess I can't imagine what it's going to be when he grows up but I try to do my part as a teacher who sees him

[00:54:28] for the 7 hours that I do to show him that you can act you know your actions get attention even the good attention you can get good attention positive attention to preempt his negative behavior in other words yeah and it works let me draw a comparison because I guarantee

[00:54:52] you've seen or heard of this happening at least once two spouses right one spouse says I don't want to show the other affection because they do this that and the other to the spouse or to the kid to the spouse to the spouse to the spouse

[00:55:08] I don't want to show affection because they do this or the other and I'm not going to show affection until their behavior changes didn't we just talk about this we did and it happens all the time but in the example you just gave

[00:55:20] you have to show positive attention to get positive movement of their behavior so what would you say to those spouses because there's literally hundreds of thousands of those couples out there in the world and if you try to sell what you just did the spouse who's withholding attention

[00:55:38] because they disprove the other's behavior is going to laugh at you I don't know I think gosh I don't know I think well you didn't stump me so much it's just words are hard so I guess yeah you just stumped me on the words level

[00:56:04] I still see that person who's neglecting that you know I'm not giving you this I'm not giving you my attention because of this behavior that other person is just like this child there any attention is good attention even if it's the attention of you know negative

[00:56:26] attention from my spouse I'm still looking for that attention so acting out doing things or whatever they're still looking for that attention I don't know I also think that when you're dealing with adults and then you're dealing with children who with children no

[00:56:46] because adults can have big emotions too kids don't understand their emotions and so it's you don't agree with that well no I agree with it I don't think most adults know how to deal their emotions either okay but I guess that's where these words are hard you're comparing

[00:57:04] an adult relationship to a 5 year old who all they know is that the adults are supposed to be there for them children are born with this children are born knowing these are my parents my parents should love me my parents should feed me

[00:57:26] my parents should hold me and care for me I mean there's a whole syndrome of babies who are born who don't get enough love are held and they die they die they have volunteers that go into hospitals just to hold and rock babies

[00:57:44] because they have failure to thrive and it's because they don't feel the connection with another human being so you're asking me to compare this 5 year old child and the fact that he cannot control the adults in his life and so he

[00:58:04] acts and re-acts the way that he does because he doesn't know any different he knows that if I do this I get this if I do this I don't get any of this and so as a 5 year old he's going to just he's just gonna be

[00:58:22] and he's going to express these big emotions because that's all he knows to do the adults know what manipulation is they know how to change a subject they know how to manipulate a person and they know how to manipulate a situation and you're so over here

[00:58:44] the 5 year old maybe he's learning how to do that he's learning how to manipulate his situations but I don't have there's no excuse for an adult to be like that okay but you I feel like you were looking at this from the perspective of the neglected

[00:59:00] I was talking about from the perspective of the the collector okay what are you asking which did the the collector do I just want to be like I'm not getting it that happens no I mean I I don't disagree with you I guess my point was like

[00:59:23] there's a bunch of couples out there that are one party is intentionally withholding affection from the other for whatever reason some perceive slight some neglect some whatever and will not will not stop withholding affection until the other person changes their behavior okay and in the example you gave

[00:59:49] showing affection might actually improve the behavior instead of it's said saying I'm not changing until they do saying I'm going to give ground and hope that they can too and we come back to the get to the middle because at least when it were spouses are concerned like

[01:00:03] my perspective we do that sorry we do you don't think we do that I totally my train of thought when you can spear it off okay I'm sorry but but as a married couple we we used to fight one way and I learned as a child

[01:00:24] that when your spouse pisses you off you hold a grudge for days at a time and you don't speak and you don't do all this and then you know then finally you have this explosive argument and then for us everything was fine again well

[01:00:40] I didn't want to have any more explosive arguments and so what that meant was I had to extend an olive branch or you had to extend an olive branch which was all I needed or all you needed to for us to come together in a non-explosive way

[01:00:58] and work through our problems I think I think that is an example of what you're talking about yeah okay I do understand and I can work with words yes yes I'm trying to remember where I was going I'm sorry I interrupted tree went into the woods

[01:01:18] the tree went into the woods tree went into the woods I don't know I'm sorry the train went into the woods the train had one job you had one job keep this on track yes but you were supposed to help me keep it on track me okay not

[01:01:32] I can't keep this on track what did I do you clicked something I didn't I rolled over something I was trying to get to the comments while you think about your train and the tracks anyway but I guess just to wrap that up and we'll talk

[01:01:50] about some of the comments there there was a lot back and forth there are got the comments and Joe okay but like to me I feel like neglect is a form of abuse I feel like a lot of people but I feel like a lot of people

[01:02:06] would debate whether it's a form of abuse and I feel like a lot of abusers that are abusing using neglect would probably justify it you know what I'm saying like they would be the ones say well they did this so I'm doing this

[01:02:20] in exchange and I'm like okay so that person upset you so you're abusing them in return like that just I don't know how to like to me this is very clear that especially in relationships where you have a reasonable expectation of some kind of like affection

[01:02:40] even if it's not like you know marital affection but just like a fraction between friends you have a reasonable expectation that if you have a very very close arguably your best friend that they would care about what's going on in your life they would check in with you

[01:02:58] they would ask you hey how are you doing hey are you stressed out hey what's going on and when they don't the absence of that affection and care isn't neglect and I think that maybe that in terms of like friendships may not rise the level of abuse

[01:03:16] but at what point I don't think that's abuse for friendships but at what point does it because when it's parent to child and you neglect the child emotionally that's a hundred percent abuse and also when it's spouse spouse hundred percent when one spouse neglects the other that's abuse

[01:03:32] that's why I'm saying it's easier for me to discard a friendship like that than it is for me to discard family member that is is showing those types of abuse I can't say that I'm the best person to be a friend with

[01:03:52] I don't want to retreat into myself there are days, weeks that I just don't talk to people I even started a friendship telling someone that and I don't know they didn't quite I guess understand my they didn't understand the assignment they didn't understand that it's nothing personal

[01:04:12] it's not you it's really me because there are times where I have to just retreat into myself I don't want to talk to anybody I don't want to do anything I just want to be me

[01:04:22] I want to be with my husband I want to be with my child in my house because it's safe and that can happen for weeks this friendship that I'm referring to not this one but the one that we talked about earlier I would do that and

[01:04:40] and I think for the most part they understood and they saw that but so there were times when I would neglect but then I felt like I would also be there when I needed to be there even though I didn't want to be there anyway I think friendship

[01:05:00] at least to me maybe not to everybody out there listening or whatever but a friendship is easier to disregard to get rid of than it would be for family it's not it's the same for you I think both of those things are the same for you

[01:05:16] it's not hard to get rid of people in your life it's hard for me to get rid of people in my life I won't even remove myself from the group chat and I mean I don't want anybody to misunderstand like don't take

[01:05:28] I'm capable of cutting a person off to mean that like the relationship I cut off meant nothing to me it's just the fact that like I know myself well enough to know that I do having a person in my life that is anyway abusive towards me

[01:05:46] it harms me emotionally like it drags me down so far and so fast I don't know that I would say depression but it's something close to that and as a result and because I have the personality I do I can't stay in that state

[01:06:06] I will just the longer I'm in that state the worse it gets I have to be able to like remove myself from that situation from that person and get myself back to somewhat neutral so for that reason it's to me it's a self defense mechanism when I encounter

[01:06:22] an abusive person I'm like I can't be around you I mean I had a relationship with a co-worker who I would and I don't know what's going on in her personal life or what that situation was that I don't know all I know is that there were times

[01:06:38] when I felt bullied and I couldn't remove myself from the situation easily but I did my best to like you know we worked on separate things we didn't collaborate very much we stayed out of each other's way and that was like the best way

[01:06:56] I could find to because I had no ability to remove myself from the situation but I did everything humanly possible to minimize our contact together so that I didn't have to be you know bullied but you could see it on a day when she had gotten to me

[01:07:12] and you would come home and it'd be like there was a cloud hanging over the house because I was just I was it was not a situation I could live in and I see that is somewhat the way you do where there are family members

[01:07:26] like you can't you you haven't been able to cut them off but you have gotten much better over the years about shortening up the apron strings and saying I know that being around this person is uncomfortable I know it's bad for my mental health

[01:07:39] so I'm going to limit how much of that person's attention or how much of my attention I give to that person you have I guess to me like as we wrap up the topic of abuse you know I I personally and I know

[01:07:54] that this is not going to be a popular sentiment with everybody but I personally believe that like you have if you have the ability to end an abusive relationship you should peer into discussion I don't care if it's spouses I don't care if it's kids abusing parents

[01:08:10] I don't care if it's parents abusing kids if you have the ability to end the relationship I would not everybody will I do think that if you don't have the ability to end the abusive relationship then you you're in the situation you're in where you have to do

[01:08:24] everything humanly possible to minimize the damage just for your own when you say abusive I start thinking about spouses so would you end a relationship if your spouse is giving you like neglecting you I think that's reasonable don't you you don't think that you could work through that

[01:08:44] can it be okay but in order for it to be worked through the spouse that's neglecting would have to be willing to stop neglecting stop abusing it's it to me I think you have to get down to the bottom of why are you doing that what is

[01:09:00] fueling your your thought of I have to neglect this person is it just to be an asshole and neglect that person like is is it neglect because you don't love that person then yes you need to leave the relationship I'm about to throw

[01:09:20] I'm about to throw the biggest wrench into your into your I think I just threw my own wrench but go ahead let's take this out of the guys of neglect and put this in the guys of physical abuse I love him but every now and then he

[01:09:34] gets mad he hits me but he loves me but he's still an abuser okay yeah that's the wrench that I threw into my own plans you shove that I just had to think through it that's all so what Gillian just did and I saw it

[01:09:50] in her eyes was she she was riding down the street in our bike took the stick and poked it into the spokes did I flip I probably flipped it I was like oh there yep there it is but like I said I do draw a distinction that

[01:10:04] neglect is not neglect is not your cup is empty there's nothing to pour you know what I'm saying there are moments in time where we're also emotionally drained or whatever there's just nothing to pour out of the cup but there's a difference between

[01:10:18] there's nothing to pour out of the cup and there's something that could be poured out of the cup I'm just choosing not to again a lot of times people will they'll justify that they'll say well they want affection but I want to read a book they want affection

[01:10:32] but I I I want to go out with my friends they want affection but I want I want to go golfing with my friends or I want to go on a boy's trip or I want to do this and it's like but you have someone

[01:10:42] else in this relationship who's asking something of you who has a need that's not being met who has a love language is not being attended to since we talked about that last week or was the week it was weeks ago whatever but the shows blend together sometimes

[01:10:56] because we talk about the same things but we have I hate it when she does that I think we do but in any case to me neglected like neglect this this is why I saved her for last

[01:11:12] because I felt like this was going to be the one that is sometimes the hardest to pin down because a lot of times even even people that are not starting to neglect they're going to justify it but I don't think there's a justification for it I mean

[01:11:29] if my daughter how many times I love my child dearly how many times how many times has she come home from school having a complete meltdown about some drop some teenage girl drama that happened at school and regardless of how bad

[01:11:45] of a day I've had I will sit there and listen her for 15 minutes as she cooks it off because she has an emotional need and she doesn't she doesn't need me to do anything or then sit there and listen and let her get it out

[01:11:59] and say that sucks and I'm sorry you went through that but if I continually to now it'd be one thing if I said honey I'm honey I'm working you got you gotta give me a minute to get off this phone call or

[01:12:13] like honey I mainly because that doesn't happen all the time no but that's my point if it was an occasional I'm sorry honey you gotta give me a minute can we talk about this in a little bit that'd be one thing but if it was a pattern

[01:12:25] of that's just teenage girl drama I don't give a shit deal with it on your own that is neglect so that's and my daughter I'm her father she has a reasonable expectation that if she is dealing with something emotionally even if it's just upset

[01:12:41] she needs to express it that I'm gonna hear her out yeah she has a reasonable expectation of that so that's can we do neglect as its own like hour long topic I feel like it could but anyway but we're not but we're not

[01:12:55] but neglect is I feel like probably the most pervasive form of abuse I feel like there's there are people out there in the world outside this window who live in live in abusive relationships that are based around neglect and people around them may not see it

[01:13:13] they may not see it themselves but they feel that something isn't right you know what I'm saying so we've spent an hour and 15 minutes talking about abuse and I would hope that this is giving everyone some food for a thought because like if you're in

[01:13:35] an abusive relationship no matter what form of relationship it is I think you need to pay attention to that and do what you have to do to guard yourself and if any of the things we've talked about turn on your light bulb

[01:13:51] and you thought to yourself like I have a friend, a neighbor, a brother a sister, a parent or whatever and I'm seeing these things then they might be stuck in abusive relationship and they may not even see it and you might be and you might be able to

[01:14:07] intercede on their behalf or if nothing else just talk to them about it but the only thing I will caution people of personally is that you know very often abusers will justify their behavior victims of abuse are often either like they either they feel shame

[01:14:27] that they can point to and say I definitely feel ashamed of this or they feel ashamed but they don't know how to put into words they feel that sometimes they feel that they somehow they deserve it like he hit me

[01:14:39] because I didn't have dinner on the table when he got home you know that's that old that old axiom but I would just caution people that like if you're dealing with abuse of someone close to you wait into it carefully because there are a ton of

[01:14:55] emotions and the longer it's been going on the harder it is to crack that nut open agreed and quit abusing each other just stopping assholes to each other he's ear-seth and done I think Phil I know I know one last look at the comments

[01:15:20] steward just asked is promising boiled peanuts and not sending them to clack yes it is and I'm sorry I will find I will find you some boiled peanuts if you get the boiled peanuts I owe him some ground coffee we'll send a care package because we care

[01:15:38] for you I'll even send it back in the same box you just sent me and we'll stop neglecting you I'm sorry I'll find some boiled peanuts somewhere yes I can't believe you live in Texas and you've never had boiled peanuts but we'll find

[01:15:58] boiled peanuts and send him coffee and love maybe some bullets I don't know throw something in alright guys well thank you all for listening today and we hope you have a great rest of your weekend and your Sunday and have a great week and hunker down

[01:16:14] if you're in Texas it's probably not going to be too bad knock on wood hopefully it's not for you so I mean if you're in Texas you might want to keep an axe in the attic or a life raft handy it's a cat one it's going to rain

[01:16:28] a lot though well that's true and Houston is a whole built on top of a swamp alright we'll see y'all next week and guess what we already have a topic how about that it's crazy alright guys have a great week rest your weekend and we'll see y'all soon

[01:16:46] bye everybody