Raising Values: Should You Spoil Your Spouse?

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher and Spotify and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. You can support the Raising Values podcast through Patreon. The Langillian are behind

[00:00:17] the mic and we hope you enjoy the show. Good morning and welcome to Raising Values. Good morning. Good morning. It's a PJs and Coffee morning at the Rablie Household. Yes, I did get a little dressed, but I slept for 12 hours last night because I'm feeling a little

[00:00:41] run down. I'd rather get the sickness out of the way before school starts. In my defense, I did ask you, do you want to cancel the stream this morning? I know, you were like, it's 9.15. I'm still asleep at 9.15, which I hate doing because I don't like sleeping

[00:00:58] late because I feel like I've wasted the day. But I went to bed at 9.30, so I slept 12 hours just not feeling great. The answer I got was not English or human. It was kind

[00:01:13] of... Well, I am a little bit of a troll in the morning. I will admit, I'm sorry, I am not a morning person at all. I have witnesses now. And especially when I don't feel good.

[00:01:24] So I just have a little tickle in my throat and I just don't want it to go any further. So I just went to bed early last night and stayed asleep. And I did wake up at 1 o'clock

[00:01:36] to take some Nyquil. That's probably why I slept the rest of the 12 hours. That'll do it. Anyway, but a couple of things first. Business first, business first. We are, and I've said this not in our last episode, not last week, but the week before last, that we are

[00:01:54] working on New Merch for this show and Matter of Facts. And the guys, Andrew and Phil, have given me direction on the graphics for the New Merch for Matter of Facts. And I've gotten four things done. Four things done. So those are going to be sent hopefully

[00:02:13] today. I'm going to work on the last little graphic that they want for a shirt today and then we'll send it off to Southern Gals to get mocked up on shirts and things

[00:02:26] like that. I have to say, y'all, this New Merch for Matter of Facts and Raising Values, not to toot my own horn, but it's really cute, funny. theirs is really funny and it's totally Phil and Andrew. I can't wait for y'all to see it. But as soon as

[00:02:46] it hits the website for you all to order, there's going to be t-shirts. You can get it on Koozies. You can, I'm sure Chris and Tiffany will work with you if you want it on something else like a sweatshirt or something like that. But we

[00:03:01] are moving away from great big logos on our shirts because nobody wants to wear a logo. That's just my opinion. I don't want to wear just a big logo. So these are funny. They're subtle. They're cute. They're some of them are not subtle

[00:03:21] on the matter of fact. Well, no, no, on the matter of fact side, they're not subtle. I wouldn't go with cute either. They're tactical raccoon is the tactical raccoon. I love it. I'm going to get one. I'm going to get one of

[00:03:32] the tactical raccoon. There's two tactical raccoons actually. So anyway, so that's that's the business for the Merch that's coming. Please, please, be aware of that. And we will, I think probably on the next episode, we'll put

[00:03:47] the graphics up so you can see what's available for raising values and then Phil and Andrew can do the same for Matter of Facts. So that is that side of business. I don't think there's anything else business wise. Prepper Camp

[00:04:00] is coming up in September. I'm so excited and ready. We are very excited about Prepper Camp coming up. I've been on the matter of fact side of the house. I've been burning the midnight oil working on the the Radio

[00:04:13] Manpack repeater project so that I can have that tested and ready to rock and roll at Prepper Camp. So for anybody that just by chance might be watching this podcast that will be a Prepper Camp and our radio nerds, if you have a

[00:04:30] GMRS radio, you'd be able to hook up to the short range field repeater that will be setting up there and for anybody that doesn't have a GMRS radio and wants to kind of like, you know, see what it's about and maybe look at as an

[00:04:44] off grid comms plan for your family. Like just stop in by the booth and I'll talk here often till you glaze over and walk away. We don't glaze over when you talk, do we? Yes, you do. Everybody does. It's

[00:04:58] okay. People used to ask me how do you how do you like deal with Phil? He talks so much and all that stuff and from very early on in our relationship, I learned to tune your voice out while still paying attention and still being

[00:05:16] able to be a part like I would catch snippets. I would get the cliff notes of what you were trying to tell me. Unfortunately, as I've gotten older, I've begun to recognize that the face she makes when she's glazed over

[00:05:28] it's still trying to pay attention. I do my best. I do my best. Anyway, so to get to the topic at hand today, the title that Phil chose was should we spoil our spouses? The one that I gave him, which I guess he thought maybe it wasn't

[00:05:47] appropriate. I don't know. The one I gave him was should we what? Well, hang on a second. I've heard it all. For clarity's sake, you didn't even realize this was the top guy picked until yesterday. Well, no, because we had

[00:06:00] two topics on hand. Anyway, I said spoiling versus babying your spouse. And I what I want to do is kind of go into the differences in that. But I also want to set my disclaimer now and I don't think Stuart is listening.

[00:06:18] So we're gonna start over. Spoiling versus babying versus caretaking because caretaking for your as being a caretaker of your spouse, I feel like goes in a totally separate category from what we're gonna talk about today. Caretaking is not spoiling or babying your spouse. Caretaking is caretaking.

[00:06:40] So there's my disclaimer for that when I when we're talking about this topic, I'm not I'm not talking about the people who take care of their like sick or injured spouse sick or injured spouse. Yes, sick or injured spouse.

[00:06:55] What we're talking about is a spouse who is able bodied. Yes, able to able body people in a relationship mentally, physically able bodied can take care of themselves. And then the other spouse is coming in and either spoiling

[00:07:11] or babying that spouse. I think the cat is about to have a meltdown because our daughter's door is closed. Thank God she always waits until we start recording to have her meltdowns. At least she's not trying to knock the tripod over this time. Well, at least you the

[00:07:26] listeners know that this is real. I mean, Stuart has said on more than one occasion that like there the special when Piper was younger and had friends over more often like during the day because we had kids in the neighborhood. He told

[00:07:41] me one time he said there were times when in the middle of the podcast he would hear like two little girls giggling and laughing in the background and he's like, yep, that's there is nothing scripted about this podcast.

[00:07:50] It is you get to get. Yes, same for this one. All right. So let's get into this. Should we spoil our spouses? And so we feel and I were talking about this when we were on at the beach this last week because we were

[00:08:04] talking about we were talking about if I'm spoiled. You are very spoiled. I am. I admit that you spoiled me. Very spoiled. I do. I admit that you spoiled me and I am not ashamed that you spoiled me. In fact, I find it

[00:08:26] maybe spoiling your spouse should be a new love language. No. So not falling for that. Well, so my whole thing is that I think the question the reason I phrase the topic should we spoil our spouse is because

[00:08:45] being spoiled has connotations to it. Usually in the in the context of like children being spoiled because when they become spoiled, they misbehave and they act crazy if they stop getting spoiled. And I think that can also happen to spouses. Like if you're used to getting

[00:09:02] if you're used to getting spoiled and the spoiling stops for any reason, a lot of people react very negative negatively to that. So it begs the question of should we spoil our spouse and I feel like yes, we

[00:09:19] should spoil our spouses. But I do feel like it comes with caveats. You know what I mean? Like we should spoil it. First of all, spoiling your spouse, it's got to be mutual because if it's always just one spouse spoiling the other and there's no

[00:09:32] return, then you get into whole imbalanced relationship, which I've always been very critical of like both spouses have to put the same energy into the relationship or it doesn't work. Yeah. And so when we were at the beach, you said, I agreed that

[00:09:49] yes, I'm spoiled. Piper is spoiled and not so much like Phil is going out and buying, you know, extravagant gifts and things like that, that kind of spoiled. I'm spoiled in words left me, I'm spoiled in acts of service. You do a lot for

[00:10:09] me. For instance, you care for my car. So you take care of looking when you're driving, you go through and you look at all the whatever's and, you know, oil changes and all that stuff. You

[00:10:24] do a lot of the chores around the house and outside of the house. So you mow the yard and all that stuff, which technically I could mow the yard because I really do enjoy mowing the yard but you

[00:10:35] that's a man's job is what you've told me and that you do that. But you do a lot of acts of service for me and Piper and it is a lot of spoiling. For instance, another for instance,

[00:10:47] sometimes we eat in front of the TV, sometimes we eat at the table. But when I'm finished, I don't necessarily want to get up right this second to bring my dish to the sink and when you get

[00:10:58] up to go to the kitchen or whatever, you'll take my dish and bring it to the sink and people could see that as being spoiled and that is on my scale of spoiledness. That is, you know,

[00:11:11] a small act of service that you do that spoils me. You take my stuff to the sink and I don't have to get up. You let me sleep in. You know, you do all these things for me that I mean,

[00:11:24] I don't know. I don't think that I my demeanor changes. I don't think I look for you to do those things like I don't put my dish down and think, Oh, well Phil's gonna pick it up. No, but I'm nodding my head yes, because I think that's

[00:11:39] where I was trying to go was that Okay, sorry. If you're if you're spoiling your spouse, but then if there's some reason the spoiling stops because there might just be a day where I'm tired. That happens occasionally. It

[00:11:52] could be a day when I'm sick or whatever. And when those things that I normally do don't get done, your immediate reaction is not outrage or entitlement. It is okay, I just have to be an adult and take my own plate to the sink

[00:12:04] today. So I think that there's there's a dichotomy there where like if you're spoiling your spouse, like I said, it has to be even energy on both sides. But there also has to be some reasonable expectation of like, sometimes your spouse

[00:12:19] just isn't able to spoil you. Like I was thinking about this leading up to this topic. But like when we were when we were younger and had fewer responsibilities and fewer monthly bills, we were able to go out to eat more often,

[00:12:32] we were able to go do stuff more often now. Keeping this thing stood up over our heads cost money. So we've had to arrange our budget in such a way that like, we spend more time cooking here at the house less time going out to eat

[00:12:46] the vacations because of the things that we want to do sometimes they don't we don't get to have vacation every month or every other month. We have more responsibilities where we can't just like cut loose for for a weekend and

[00:12:58] blaze out to the beach. We can't do those things anymore. We're old now. Old and responsible. But I guess my point is like, you know, we've I've had to we've had to change some parts of our life to where the spoiling has to

[00:13:16] occur in different ways. A lot of times it is a lot of me running around taking care of stuff here around the house so you probably have more leisure time. Yeah, and I think you could look at that somebody from

[00:13:28] the outside could look at that as you spoiling us because you you do run around here and we've talked about this on the show. You run around here on in the during the weekend's just this tour this tour this tour and I'm

[00:13:41] always like, just sit down. It's like your weekend too. So sit down and just kind of relax for a little bit. We'll get to the chores like it's not like we live in filth. I think you know there was a point in our time in our

[00:13:55] marriage when we first moved in here that there were piles of chaos everywhere. And that was because our life was chaos. I was chaos, even though you say I'm still chaos. But it was a reflection of where we were in our lives. But now

[00:14:14] there's there's not there's not any chaos. And one of the reasons is because you said that it drives you nuts to have piles here and piles there and you know, the the whole island was male. Why was I holding on to male? And

[00:14:29] so you know, it was just it was just chaos piles everywhere. And it I didn't realize how much it bothered me to have that everywhere too same for our bedroom like we have my Nana's old chest at the foot of our bed will at some

[00:14:44] point that became a closed rack and became a jump pile. Yeah, and so I try my best to keep that clear as much as I can. And I've been doing a really good job of that over the last few years. But you run around here on the weekend

[00:15:00] getting things done. And it's not because I won't get off my butt and do them, because I will get off my butt and do them. You like to stay busy for one. I have to stay busy. You have

[00:15:14] to stay busy. And I don't think it bothers you that much to do those things. No, not really. But I mean, my personality is also one of like chores have to get done before anything else. Like you and Piper, I don't understand how

[00:15:31] it works in the old brains, but there's differences in people but like, y'all are quite comfortable like I'm gonna take a break. I'll get to the chores later and my brain does not function like that. I have to get chores done first. It's

[00:15:43] always chores first, leisure second, it was always like vegetables first, dessert at the end of the meal. And it's you don't need vegetables. No, but it's the saying is that's what you're saying. I'm just joking with you

[00:15:54] being a pain in my butt. But you know, like that maybe that's the way I was raised to a large degree. But like, I have to get those things done in that order. And that's why a lot

[00:16:06] of times I am running around like on Saturday morning or even when I have a Friday off and you and Piper at school, I spend most of that Friday. Yeah, I'll take I'll sit down and watch a show or whatever while waiting on a load of

[00:16:18] laundry to get done. But y'all have to have noticed that by the time y'all get home Friday afternoon, I've gotten a ton of work done around the house. And that's because it clears up the rest of my weekend to work on

[00:16:29] stuff I want to work on like, you know, projects or whatever, because I've always got something around here I could be spending my time working on. So do you consider that then spoiling me and Piper? To like run

[00:16:41] around and take care of as much of the housework as I have so there's less for y'all to do to a degree. Yeah. Okay, because then because the thing that it is is that it's something that I'm doing to preclude y'all having to do it knowing y'all don't

[00:16:56] really enjoy doing it. So you're not doing it just because it has to get done, you're doing it so that we don't have to do it? Well, both I mean, it has to get done. It, you know, you know, I've talked

[00:17:09] about this before, like the laundry can only pile up so far. And then we have a problem on our hands, like we run out of stuff to wear. So it has to get done. But the thing that you were talking about

[00:17:19] earlier with like the junk piles all over the house, and how you didn't realize how much it bothered you. My perspective on that why it always aggravated me so badly was because I saw that it would just pile pile pile pile. And it would stress you out more

[00:17:35] to have to deal with this huge pile of junk than it would have if you would have just like, this is junk mail into the trash can and just like, it's it was a dichotomy in the way you and I did things

[00:17:48] in that you would put off until it was a big mess. And that big mess drives me nuts. So I'd rather do like 30 seconds of effort every single day rather than an hour once a month. And I still do that. I just don't, I don't

[00:18:04] You don't let it get out of control. Well, no, it's not even that there's there's parts of my life where I procrastinate and put off the hard parts. I don't do the hard part first. I just put it off

[00:18:16] and put it off and put off because I don't want to do it necessarily. I don't want to face it for whatever reason. I'm just one of those people that will put off lesson planning or whatever until the last minute, because I don't want a lesson plan.

[00:18:29] I don't want to give up my summer yet. I still have a week of summer left and you know, stuff like that, even though I have my lesson plans done. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is I am one of those people that will put off

[00:18:41] the hard work until I absolutely have to do it. Put and when I say hard work, I mean like mentally hard work, like the things that caused me stress or anxiety, like I will put those off because I don't want to face them.

[00:18:58] And the piles and things like that, like I said earlier were those were just physical aspects of my anxiety. Does that make sense? Okay, so those were the physical not aspects. What's a good word for that? Physical manifestation. Yes, manifestations, I guess,

[00:19:17] of my anxiety. So having to I would put that off as long as I had to to go through those piles because I just there wasn't anything scary in them. It wasn't like I was in debt or it was a pile of bill collectors or

[00:19:33] anything like that. It was just junk. It was junk. And then I would find all these new pretty boxes or baskets to put the junk in. And I would just pour it into a new pretty basket. I'm like, oh, well, that's nice. That's nice right there. So

[00:19:46] we'll just put that right there. And instead of me going through it, I would just transfer it into a prettier box. Our marriage has been like us being together has been almost 20 years of me trying to sledgehammer a square peg into a round hole.

[00:20:04] I don't know what to tell you. It might be another 20 years. I love you dearly. I'm just saying we it is better. But I guess I'm saying is like we are so fundamentally polar opposite in that regard because the idea that I would put something off because I

[00:20:20] don't want to do it. That annoys me like procrastination annoys me because hate it growing up in my house. I would have had a mental break. I would have had a mental breakdown minus all the things I've discussed on the podcast

[00:20:33] about how I grew up in this house. I would have run away at 16 and join the circus. We could not eat at the dining room table which was bigger than this. The dining room table at the house the house I grew up in could fit six, seven,

[00:20:48] eight people. We had five in our house so we had and my Nana was across the street so that's technically we had six people but it could fit eight people. Six, three, three huge huge table and it was piled up with everyone's laundry. Not folded,

[00:21:07] week's worth. Why? Because it just it was it was one of those anxiety piles I think for my mom, for my parents but we also had this is y'all I'm telling you the craziness. We are totally off topic but we're gonna go with this. We also

[00:21:26] had house like people that would come into the house like house cleaners and I had a nanny kind of thing and they would do the laundry, they would do some household chores kind of thing and I swear that they the majority of their

[00:21:43] time was doing the laundry and it was just the weirdest thing and they would they would leave, they would come a couple times in the week and they would leave and then over the weekend the how did we go through so much

[00:21:55] laundry? I don't know and if Phoebe's watching she can attest to this. I mean piles of laundry and you went through the piles of laundry on the kitchen table on the dining room table to find what you needed to wear for the

[00:22:07] day. Anyway, I would have top it. The fight we would have had if this dining room table would start piling up with just unfolded laundry would have been epic. The neighbors would have heard it. I had a friend one time who described her house as the house that

[00:22:26] depression built. You've said that to me before. Yeah and it was dirty floors, dirty everything. I mean it was just there was dog poop everywhere, old dog pee on the floors and in the couches and piles and piles and piles. I'm a text

[00:22:46] piper until they open the door. Y'all are just gonna have to like... I don't know if y'all can hear the cat. She is mad. Hang on a second. I gotta text piper. Right now she's mostly mad because her sister has kicked her out of her room. And piper

[00:22:59] probably has headphones in so she can't hear that. Yeah I just texted her. Anyway back to the topic I think we need to get back to the topic. So spoiling your spouse versus babying your spouse. So here's how we tie everything you just

[00:23:12] went down towards this. I would say that there's a thin line between spoiling and babying your spouse and honestly I don't think it comes from the perspective of who's doing the access service. I think it comes from the perspective of the other party. If you're

[00:23:29] spoiling your spouse it's because you are doing whatever. Whether it's access service or whether it's gifts or whatever it is, whatever love language you're attempting to spoil with, you are doing it maybe over abundantly. But that's the spoiling? Yeah that's the spoiling. Now where it crosses over in

[00:23:52] a babying is how it's received because if it is received and appreciated and not expected then I see it as spoiling. But if that if all of that effort is received as I am entitled to this and if the spoiling has to stop

[00:24:09] temporarily for some reason the other party immediately starts acting like a spoiled brat now it's not spoiling now it's not you know now it's not trying to overfill someone's bucket of love if we go back to the five love languages now I consider it

[00:24:25] babying because you are treating that person as a baby and they're behaving like a baby. Yeah so that's kind of where like as I've done in several to several different topics like I don't feel like this is all on the side of

[00:24:40] the giver I think that's the reception that really dictates what this behavior is because if if I let's use laundry as an example I do the majority of laundry in the house. I do the majority of the dishes in the house too.

[00:24:55] If I had just finished and I we deal with this from her every once in a while but if I had just finished doing all the dishes after dinner that kitchen was clean the kitchen is closed and then the next morning I find plates in that

[00:25:10] sink because somebody didn't do her dishes after I close the kitchen yeah I'm gonna get pissed about that because now it's not I took care of all this so you could have you could sit down on the couch with your mom and

[00:25:23] watch the nanny and hang out it's well dad can deal with that it's a it totally changes that whole act that whole relationship from one of I'm trying to take something off your plate so you can have more leisure and you cannot

[00:25:39] worry about it into I feel taken advantage of because you're expecting this to continue in perpetuity yeah I think yeah how I think you hit the nail on the head about one spouse doing doing something for the other and then the way that it is received received

[00:26:05] yes and reciprocated but I think what I'm trying to thinking of Stuart said we need start over I knew it I do it I told you earlier you'll have to go back and listen to the audio we talked about you and I say we're gonna have

[00:26:20] to start over what I'm trying to think of is you know someone doing an act of service for their their spouse which could be you know could be a spoiling moment or whatever they're taking care of their spouse doing something for their spouse but it's the reaction

[00:26:42] that is given by that spouse that is getting getting that action given to them so whether it's laundry or whatever that is where you can definitely see if this spouse is being spoiled or the spouse is a baby and you said it

[00:26:58] it's the reaction to the act of service that's being done it because I've seen grown men and women act like children when an act of service is being done for them or it's when the the thing was not did not live up to their

[00:27:17] expectations how many times have you been on social media and seen someone flip their lid because their spouse bought them something but it wasn't it wasn't the color they wanted or it wasn't exactly the model they wanted and instead of my spouse did this thing

[00:27:32] for me and their heart was in the right place it is it wasn't exactly what I wanted I'm mad about it which by the way that makes the spouse that did the thing never want to do the thing again because it's like I

[00:27:44] put this effort into it and it didn't live to their expectations so I'd rather just not live it to their expectations and save the damn money next time right just pro tip pro tip for people out there if you get a gift please

[00:27:57] find it dig like dig deep and be thankful for it and just you can keep your mouth shut you know you can just thank them for their act of service and then move on or whatever reciprocate do something for them or whatever but watching grown men

[00:28:16] and women have something done for them and then complain about and then complain loudly obnoxiously like a child there I mean I've been in situations where I had to walk away like I can't I can't be around people like that my I just I get too I get

[00:28:36] too mad I get too upset because it's like dude these this person or you know they're they're doing something because it's obviously out of love that they feel like you deserve it or something like that you know it's coming from a place of love but you

[00:28:55] are acting like such an asshole because you didn't have it done the way you wanted to or your expectation wasn't met exactly how you you thought it should be or whatever I don't know I think I will never complain because you folded a shirt wrong I will

[00:29:12] never complain because you don't do you know you didn't put the cup in the right place in the dishwasher because you okay because you were doing those things that I don't like to do so you go for it we fold how you want to fold

[00:29:28] and we put dishes in the the dishwasher how you want to do it can we have a moment of honesty you and I don't fold shirts the same way have you ever noticed that or towels I haven't noticed have you ever okay

[00:29:43] but have you hold it and put away but have you ever okay you've never caught me refolding my shirts because really yes okay now why honesty time it's honesty time with listeners I have an extraordinary case of obsessive compulsive disorder about a

[00:30:02] lot of things like things have to be exactly the way they're supposed to be or I cannot if I have if I have a shirt full of the way she folds them sitting in my drawer I will stay up at night staring at the drawer I did make

[00:30:14] some it makes no sense and I know it makes no sense and that is the definition of OCD is that it's an irrational compulsion and I get all that but for my own sanity I have to fold the shirt the way I want to

[00:30:26] shut it folded but I never tell her hey you told me now but I'll never but my point is I don't complain about it because sounds like a complaint to me it's not it was more for the listeners but the point is is that I

[00:30:40] need to know how to fold your shirts don't worry about it I'll refold them but the point is that I'm never going to complain when you if you do a chore that I normally do you're not gonna hear a word out of my mouth about oh it didn't

[00:30:52] get done the right way or didn't get done the way I want it done because what you've done is you've taken something off of my plate that I usually do which has freed me up to go take care of something else and

[00:31:03] get my to-do list done faster so that I can sit on the couch with you and pipe or I can go work on a project and I recognize that as like the purest form of wanting to help your spouse so under no circumstances am I going to

[00:31:18] complain because the towels weren't full to the way I wanted them folded I've literally told people this before like if your spouse is doing something for you they say thank you and shut up if it doesn't get done exactly the

[00:31:30] way you want it done just shut up about it like it's getting done but I will also say that like there are reasons why there are certain things that I have asked you before like just please let me take care of it and it's never big it's

[00:31:44] never like me man you woman it is totally I have OCD I have to have that done the way I want it done or it'll drive me nuts I'm never gonna ask you to do it the way I want it done but

[00:31:57] for my own for my own lack of losing my my my marbles I have to do with the way I want it done 20 years and you've never told me I should fold your shirts wrong it's not but the thing is it's not

[00:32:10] towels I don't I fold the towels just like you fold them the next time you fold them I'll prove it to you I do like that I do like that you said just say thank you yes absolutely just say thank you because again to me like I

[00:32:26] recognize the effort being expended and I appreciate the effort and I'm not going to react to someone trying to do me a favor negatively it makes no sense to me you know it's like it just I can't I can't wrap my head around the

[00:32:40] idea that like I would be upset that my wife is trying to help me do something yeah I think we do have comments yeah there's that that last one that Kyle made he said I think it's a I think it's I know I can't read that one I

[00:32:57] think it's good to spoil your spouse but sometimes life comes in hard and fast and survival together is the best you can do 100% absolutely 100 I yes absolutely 100% because life happens and I think I'm fortunate because laundry and dishes are a part of life

[00:33:20] and so they have to be done and Phil doing those for me are like love it thank you for doing those two things I hate it I I do not mind sweeping and mopping the floors the other day she asked she I was pulling clothes out of

[00:33:35] the dryer and she said hey I'll trade you if you'll do the dishwasher if you unload the dishwasher I'll do the laundry no earthly idea why that was the lesser two evils but whatever yeah well it is um anyway yes life

[00:33:50] comes at you Phil and I do not I mean besides our regular everyday things that have to be taken care of around the house we're not spoiling each other every day you know it's not like he comes home with flowers he doesn't come

[00:34:03] home with flowers anyway it's not like he comes home with flowers every day and you know turns down the bed or runs my bath or anything like that none of those things happen well it's not it's not an everyday spoiling thing but I think Kyle to

[00:34:22] what you what you're saying is the big things can't be done every day but little things can be done little things like picking up my plate and bringing it to the sink you know I think it I think what people have to do is not so much

[00:34:37] lower their expectations of what spoiledness means but looking at the little things the little things matter it was one of the things I said when we first started this podcast the little things matter the picking up my plate and bringing it to the dishes or um I

[00:34:55] don't know turning on my lamp next to the bed so I don't have to walk into the room dark you know those little bitty things matter and I think it's up to us as a spouse to recognize my husband or my wife did this little

[00:35:09] little act of service for me and I have to appreciate that and to recognize the things that can't be seen sometimes because like you know one of the things I do for this family is like I deal with a majority of like the financial planning the

[00:35:24] retirement planning you know like that's admittedly it's my wheelhouse but like that's something that yeah I don't think you or you serve a lot of paper but I don't think you have to give much thought to it I mean every now and then you'll ask me and I'll

[00:35:37] happily tell you like this is where we're at this is where we're going these are the plans but I take care of those things yeah because so Stuart you came in like you said because so finish that well I was just gonna say that like I take

[00:35:51] care of those things and it's something that I am thinking about weekly but it's not something you have to ever it's not something that ever shows not this early in our life but it's something that like you know is getting done you know what's being

[00:36:07] taken care of it's not something you have to worry about or obsess about unless you just want to know where we're at like a progress check-in but it's one of those things with that I take care of regularly steadfastedly day-in-day out without without

[00:36:21] complaining or mentioning it it just gets done it's it's like the thing about it's like the something I used to hear a lot in when I was going school for business management the most valuable employee is the one that you'll never realize what they're doing until they

[00:36:36] stop because things just get done and you never ask yourself how's that getting done and then the employee that was getting those things done finds their job and leaves and all of a sudden everything stops getting done you're like oh now I see what

[00:36:48] he was running around doing all with all this free time yeah taking care of things yeah Stuart so before you got on I I made I wanted to put this disclaimer out there that spoiling versus babying is not the same as caretaking

[00:37:05] and I know that for a large part of your life you are a caretaker and a lot of sense for your wife so that disclaimer was put out there and I was actually thinking of you I was thinking of my my dad and things like

[00:37:21] that when we first wanted when we thought about doing this episode that caretaking is not spoiling or babying caretaking is like having to do the things that your spouse can't do for them so I and also I think it's great that let me read what your comments

[00:37:40] said because let me read your comment because if I don't read your comment you'll tell me that I didn't comment um he said my wife's family gives her a hard time because I do things for her at family gatherings if she's talking

[00:37:52] with people I'll go fix her drink or get her food I enjoy doing that for her her siblings and spouses don't do anything for their spouses is what I'm guessing you're saying but I think that's great because Phil will do that and I'll

[00:38:08] do that for Phil like if I'm at the punch bowl whatever not really but you know if I'm going to get myself a drink I'll ask him hey do you want anything I'll get you something or I know what he wants and so I'll bring him

[00:38:19] a drink if he doesn't have one I don't think it's a bad thing I think again those are acts of service that you do for your spouse that just show that you love them and again it's it the fine line is where once you do that act of

[00:38:39] service how does that how does that spouse react are they griping because I didn't bring you a tool more do and sprite I brought you a tool more do and coat how dare you I know or are they appreciative because well you actually

[00:38:52] thought of me while you got up for a second and you did something for me or whatever you put the toilet seat down act of service right there love it I didn't fall in the toilet this morning you know it's things like that and so

[00:39:07] I think I think you doing those sorts of things is not spoiling well according to Phil it is spoiling but see this was the other thing is when we originally start talking about this you and I had different definitions for what

[00:39:22] spoiling was like you go on that I'll be right back okay sorry I've never done this no that's okay but so when Gillian I originally start talking about this as has happened on more than one occasion she had she attributed a connotation towards the word spoiling

[00:39:41] that is what I would call babying somebody which is like I'm doing for this person something they're perfectly capable of doing and it's not done as an attempt to show affection or love or care or whatever it is you know that person expects it and very often

[00:39:58] complains and gripes while they're receiving it and Gillian refer to that as spoiling and I don't call that spoiling because I I don't automatically attribute spoiling as a negative thing like I spoil my wife and daughter and I spoil them because I enjoy doing for them

[00:40:17] I enjoy providing for them to the best of my ability we just came back from a vacation and I call that spoiling like there is no requirement that I take them out for a summer vacation but it was something that I wanted to do

[00:40:30] that they want to do and I wanted them to enjoy that time out on the beach you know having fun so to me spoiling doesn't automatically have a negative connotation but how it's received can turn what should have been a very like a very pure and a very

[00:40:50] heartfelt active service or gift into something that suddenly been perverted that makes sense yes yes steward the very definition of spoil is bad but then what would to the to the people there to the five people they're listening live like what would you call that

[00:41:11] if you're going above and beyond the call to give a gift or to do to do a thing and it is above and beyond the call it's not required it's certainly not expected but it's something that you're doing to try to you know meant

[00:41:25] to try to show love and affection to that spouse what would y'all call that love I mean that's that's fair but you can love a person and not go above and beyond the call for them I guess is my point and then to what

[00:41:42] do we say when we're at this point of our life where like like Kyle was saying earlier where like survival is the best you can manage because Gillian and I went through a period in our life you know for a couple years right after Piper

[00:41:55] was born we're like life was hard we were we were treading water in this relationship we were struggling to kid we were struggling partly because like I was job hunting I'd gotten laid off she was dealing with the depression and anxiety and postpartum

[00:42:12] and like you know we were in a situation her emotionally and us financially where going above and beyond the call in many ways was just not possible I will say that during those periods of time I took on a phenomenal amount of the household chores and

[00:42:32] taking care of Piper like I did everything humanly possible to take the load off of Gillian because what she was dealing with so maybe Stuart was right as much as it annoys me to have to admit that so I guess if you

[00:42:48] love a person you will go you will do everything within your power with the understanding that sometimes what's within your power is just not what you wish you could do so anyway so I guess we answered the question of the show should we spoil our spouse no we

[00:43:10] just don't always call spoiling the same thing like to me I don't know I've heard it said that you spoil your spouse but never with a negative connotation but then again when you do the same thing children it is it does have negative connotation I am wide open

[00:43:28] if anybody wants to explain that little nugget to me but there just might not be an explanation for that here comes going in it's okay I had to go off on a ramp I rambled okay I'm back sorry so Stuart good kid you weren't even

[00:43:49] watching I could hear you oh so what Stuart was saying was that the very definition of spoil is bad and I asked what would y'all call going above and beyond the call for your spouse and he said love which led me true which led

[00:44:04] me down the road of like talking about when you were fighting with post partum and you know right after Piper's board I was job hunting after having been laid off for several months so like we were in a financial position where

[00:44:19] like we had to tighten our belt cut every single corner that could be cut because we had to that was what we had to do I don't mean it was a rough time and there were there was there were no Friday night dates in the budget

[00:44:34] there wasn't there was barely Christmas in the budget pipe for Piper's first Christmas so you know we did I did what I could but what I could wasn't much at least from my definition yeah but you still did well for your definition of

[00:44:50] spoiling but again I think going back to what we've said hundred times on this episode it's how the how your spouse or your loved one or whoever you're doing the spoiling quote-unquote or showing your act of love too how that is received and then I can't

[00:45:10] ever think of this word how it's received and then their reaction to it I think because you said you said last week I'm spoiled but you said that you don't think that you're spoiled well because I don't know I want to know

[00:45:31] why why don't you think that well and a lot of this I feel like it's just down to personalities like me personally I'm always just going going going going so I don't know like how you would I was about to I was

[00:45:51] had three conversations in my head and I thought of it doing that a lot lately I know pulling Gillian's but what I was thinking was you remember how we were just talking about like the load of laundry you took off my hands the other

[00:46:04] day when you do little things like that for me I do feel spoiled oh okay good because I was wondering because that was when we were having this conversation at the beach I I mean I don't do I always do that no do I do I get

[00:46:23] up and run to the laundry room because you're getting up to run to the laundry room to go do the clothes no I don't do that but when you said that you didn't feel like you were spoiled in the context of what we were talking

[00:46:37] about I don't know I don't know my feelings didn't get hurt but I just kept going well why doesn't he feel like the acts of service that I do for him spoil him I mean he thinks that the acts of service that he does for me is

[00:46:52] spoiling me and but I do the same I do same things I reciprocate that quote unquote spoiledness but he doesn't perceive it as being spoiled but he also thinks that you should spoil your spouse so I was I was at a

[00:47:09] crossroads or as like well how do I spoil him then if he doesn't think that I spoil him already and he thinks he should be spoiled then how should I do that well but like I was saying I do think

[00:47:20] a lot of it comes down to the fact that like I'm just constantly focused on like what's the next thing to do mm-hmm so it took me a minute to think back to like oh yeah every now and then she does jump up and help with

[00:47:31] those things and that takes something off my plate and it just it does dramatically accelerate how fast I can get to the end of my to-do list I'm just gonna do this work to was working on the household chores always

[00:47:43] gets things done a hell of a lot faster but if I jump up and do those things then how will you spoil me hmm if I jump up and do those things how will you be spoiling me you'll have to think of something new

[00:47:56] if I got get up and do the dishes in the laundry and make sure that everything's done so is this the if I if I stay in my pajamas and scroll on my phone and watch the nanny then I'm able to spoil you wait say that again

[00:48:13] so so if you don't do all those things I can spoil you but if you pitched in with those things I had what yes what and what ways will you spoil me then you'll have to think of new ways to spoil me quote-unquote spoil me if I

[00:48:27] get up and do all of the household chores by myself then what you're such a giver what what then will you have to spoil me with no earthly idea you might have to turn to different like I think I don't know let's test the theory

[00:48:51] let's test it we'll figure out I'm gonna do all of the chores when you all the chores and then you'll have to figure out did you just die a little I did I died a little bit inside I just kind of shivered I'll do all the chores

[00:49:09] got chill bumps actually um and see see what then you you will use to spoil me if spouses should be spoiled but I'm taking away all those things that you use spoil me I'll make sure I'm getting text okay Stuart I can only massage one of her feet

[00:49:27] because she can't feel the other one I can I can feel it it's just painful when you massage my feet anybody and like when I go get a pedicure it I tell him to skip that foot but anyway we don't need to get on that anyway

[00:49:42] we'll see okay I don't want to do this I don't want to do the laundry and I want to take over all the household chores I know you don't I'm just gonna feed you the rope though you're gonna tie it around your neck a

[00:49:57] big ol' bow and everything for me whatever okay so per you and Stuart apparently we don't refer to all these extra services don't don't read that last one out loud please okay per I'm turning really red really red right all right anyway

[00:50:23] so per you and Stuart what I've referred to as spoiling is not spoiling it's just acts of service it's showing love and I agree what I would refer to as babying someone is more akin to what you refer to as spoiling yeah so like for instance

[00:50:46] I put it in my notes because I've seen this um I've seen this before where mama is spoiling son and spoils son even until he's an adult maybe he's already married he's he's still being spoiled by mama good job mom and then you know he gets married

[00:51:07] hands him off to the wife and is expected of the wife to continue the spoiling of this man child because that's what he is he is a man child or whatever works the other direction too when you raise a princess I'm not suggesting that it

[00:51:24] doesn't work the other way because I totally agree and I am against that as well that you know daddy or whoever is raising this princess girl this this man woman or not man woman woman child and then she gets married in has those same expectations

[00:51:44] thrown on to the husband to do those things it works both ways I don't even remember where I was going with this because you interrupted me but anyway um that to me is spoiling that whole act of service is done and

[00:52:02] now the person that the act of service was done for active love was done for is throwing a fit because it wasn't done the right way it was like it's like handing a child a strawberry lollipop when they really wanted the cherry

[00:52:14] and so they're gonna pitch a fit on the floor because that's not what they wanted and then in in my head when I see a child act like that it's not proper behavior I understand it I get it we're teaching our kids how

[00:52:30] to to work with their emotions and learn what those emotions are and how to properly react to those emotions but as a man or a grown woman acting like that is just disgusting to me it is so disgusting to see an adult

[00:52:49] act like a child when something is being done for them or out out of an active service or love and it could be a total stranger I have I've seen things where a man opens the door for a woman walking into a store and the woman gets

[00:53:08] so well bent out of shape because a man did that I can do that I can hold my own door I can get my own door and it's like dude just say thank you and walk like just do you know even just say thank you and walk

[00:53:23] I don't know you're gonna get me on my soapbox now can I drive another line of demarcation between what you just laid out and something else of course that's what the podcast is for so if we're spoiling our children to the degree that they grow up expecting

[00:53:40] that level of behavior there's another side to that which I've told you in the past like you know my my viewpoint on raising children is like the only way Piper is ever gonna know what to what conduct to expect from a boyfriend maybe a future husband is if

[00:53:56] I demonstrate that to you and she'll grow up saying that's how dad treated mom that's how men should treat me and that's why it's always been super important that to me that like Piper sees the two of us be affectionate towards each other Piper

[00:54:12] sees what a healthy man-woman relationship is supposed to look like yeah and she that bar I would hope is going to be set fairly high so that if any um idiot little teenage boys try to act improperly with her she's going to be

[00:54:28] like no that is not the way my dad treats my mom you're not going to treat me that way that is not acceptable so what I would say is that there is a case to be made for little boys and little girls to be

[00:54:41] taught this is how a potential spouse should treat you yeah but like you said that cannot that cannot progress into spoiling because now not only have you set up that your child's pet you know potential future spouse for a hell of a hard hard life to try

[00:55:02] to live up to an unfair expectation you help that child set but you've also set that child up to probably be alone for the rest of their life because most people are going to say you're spoiled and swipe you know swipe left

[00:55:14] swipe right I was never on tender so it's whatever the swipe that means go away never come back means I think too because I was thinking while you were talking she glazed over well sort of but I keep going back to you know some things that I've seen

[00:55:31] recently when the person when one of the one spouse expects it I don't think we've said that on this have we oh okay but keep going so I have I have I have someone in mind and I believe that this person expects their spouse to do for them

[00:55:57] to do a whole plethora of things for them and it kind of goes back to Stewart's comment about getting your wife's drinks and food and things like that because you enjoy doing those things but I guess my question for you then Stuart and if you're still listening

[00:56:18] and can chime in does your wife expect you to do those things I have someone in mind that I I totally 100% believe that they expect their spouse to do those acts of service and when they don't do those acts of service it's almost like they sit there

[00:56:37] and pout I'm not going to eat because my spouse didn't get me my food I'm not going to get my drink because my spouse didn't get my my drink I'm not going to put my medicine on because my or take my medicine sorry

[00:56:51] because my spouse didn't bring me my medicine so I'm gonna back up with Stuart just said by saying because he said no she does not and I'm going to say that I was on the phone with Stuart one evening while he was helping me work out an electronics

[00:57:02] project and I literally overheard him like apparently his wife had come into the kitchen and was trying to make her own dinner and he was like go sit down I'll take care of that for you so like very obviously she was willing

[00:57:16] to get up and like yeah take care of herself and very obviously he was like I really don't mind taking care of before you yeah I know Stuart I think you you are one of the most selfless people that I've ever known in my life

[00:57:30] so I've argued in past that being a husband should be selfless well and I kind of knew what the answer was going to be because I mean I've never met your wife Stuart but she seems like a pretty pretty awesome woman so if she keeps him in line

[00:57:46] I mean right she's married to Stuart she has to be a saint love you Stuart I'm in that st. hood category with your wife yeah we're just waiting on the church to get their act together sister Mary Gillian over here has a

[00:58:05] reserve room in heaven with a beach front view well yes yes Kyle did say up in the very top that Gillian can teach children he'll the sick and she's the tribe mom I mean that I think that's st. hood right there anyway

[00:58:25] I think we've kind of gotten off topic but we do that wow we do anyway I I don't know I think we've kind of hit the point home of spoiling versus babying versus caretaking kind of thing yeah I mean I look at it as

[00:58:44] what turns any one of the and no matter what now when you want to hang on the act I think what turns any one of those acts from a positive thing to a negative thing is when it's it is no longer appreciated and it becomes expected

[00:58:58] and as long as the spouse receiving the act of service or the gift or the whatever appreciates it and you know like understands that this isn't going to happen every single time I feel like as long as those things are in play then we're not talking about anything

[00:59:16] negative we're talking about a genuine attempt to show affection and care for someone and when the receiving partner misbehaves or takes it for granted then we start to have problems yeah good show old boy good show old chap anyway don't forget that new merch is coming

[00:59:41] so and I think what we'll probably do is introduce it to the patrons first so if you're a patron look for that on our signal chat that has been very lively lately and then we'll put the graphics up next week for next week show

[00:59:59] to kind of show the viewers who watch what the new graphics look like and stuff like that so raising value says new merch coming and so does matter of facts and it's in the show notes where you can go to purchase those they're not up yet

[01:00:15] we're still waiting on the mock-ups to come in so that we can kind of get a feel for what their the new merch is going to look like on a shirt but anyway so that's coming and of course prepper camp and I guess I also have to

[01:00:31] say that school starts for me next week this week coming up I have to go back to my classroom so hopefully on Sundays in the next month for the next month I'll have a brain and we'll be willing to talk to everyone

[01:00:47] hopefully she'll be willing to talk to me first of all yeah that's right yes talk to anyone humans and not in anything anyway all right well have a great rest of your day a great rest of your weekend and we will see you next week take care guys

[01:01:08] all right bye