Raising Values: The Five Most Common Family Issues

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Raising Values Podcast, where the traditional family talks. You can find

[00:00:06] us on iTunes, Stitcher and Spotify and be sure to follow us on Facebook and Instagram.

[00:00:12] You can support the Raising Values podcast through Patreon. The Langillian are behind

[00:00:17] the mic and we hope you enjoy the show. Good morning everybody. Our cat's eating

[00:00:32] something she's probably not supposed to. We always start this so weird. Good morning.

[00:00:37] Come back. Yeah, that was weird. So do we make this more weird or just say that like

[00:00:45] this is the weekend of the Women Who Prep conference so it's possibly too late to get

[00:00:50] tickets for it since it's already started? Yeah, it's too late. The last day to get

[00:00:53] tickets for the Women Who Prep was the 19th. So if you missed out this year, I'm so

[00:00:58] sorry that it wasn't my fault because I know I pushed it. But we will be having

[00:01:04] Holly back on after the conference so that she could talk about her experience.

[00:01:07] So you can live vicariously through her. Yeah, but like I've said in multiple

[00:01:13] shows, the people who purchase tickets have access through July so I'm not

[00:01:20] pushing Holly if you're watching today or listening. I'm not pushing you to go

[00:01:24] and do it right this second because I know you're super busy and you have

[00:01:28] a life and you'll probably watch it throughout a couple of weeks or

[00:01:32] whatever. So yeah, we'll have Holly back on to see how she liked it but right now I

[00:01:37] think the experience that people are having is pretty good. I know that the

[00:01:42] likes on our Instagram page have been... We've been getting a lot of... We're

[00:01:47] over... We're almost 130 people who have liked the Instagram page which is cool.

[00:01:53] I mean I'm not one of those... I'm sure people who follow us on Instagram is

[00:01:56] like, I don't ever see anything from them. I just don't post. It's really bad.

[00:02:03] It is what it is. I mean you can follow us on Instagram that's where we'll post

[00:02:08] announcements and things like that but I'm just not gonna be this constant

[00:02:12] poster. Yeah, I'm just not. That's the same decision Adrian. I made years ago

[00:02:18] with Matter of Facts was that like this is... You know, it's a hobby. It's

[00:02:23] something we enjoy and I enjoy the people we've met through it in the

[00:02:26] community that's been built around it and I've enjoyed getting more familiar with

[00:02:31] the preparedness community through the podcast but I told Andrew very

[00:02:36] definitively years ago I'm like this will never be a full-time job for me because

[00:02:40] I already have a full-time job and I don't like that full-time job all the

[00:02:43] time and I don't want another full-time job. Like if this stops

[00:02:47] being fun there's no point in doing it. Yeah, by the end of the day I'm

[00:02:50] mostly spent so I don't want to stay glued to any sort of marketing campaigns

[00:02:57] or anything. If the podcast grows it grows if it doesn't we have our sweet

[00:03:03] listeners who already listen to us. Morning Joe and Garden Girl. Her name is Nina. Why

[00:03:07] do you always call her Garden Girl? Because her username is Garden Girl. I know.

[00:03:12] So anyway, speaking of not really spending a whole lot of time marketing and

[00:03:20] pushing this podcast I always run into the problem of I don't know what we're

[00:03:25] going to talk about. I feel like we've talked about so much stuff already

[00:03:32] and a lot of times it's repeated in my head. Like I feel like we've

[00:03:36] repeated a lot of our shows. I think I'd have to go back and look because

[00:03:39] I have all the notes and everything on the other computer in the office but I

[00:03:42] think we're up to like 46 episodes on this one. 43. It's 40-something episodes

[00:03:48] we've done. I know that we've reached our anniversary date. It's coming

[00:03:52] gone it was in March but we've taken time off so it's not like you know it

[00:03:57] wasn't 52 once we get to 52 that's a year but our anniversary date has

[00:04:02] come and gone which is cool. I didn't think that we'd actually make it to

[00:04:05] a year for the podcast. For weekly podcast? Yeah I didn't think so. I really

[00:04:10] didn't and I'm starting to see that struggle and actually I started to

[00:04:15] see the struggle way back in six months ago. Yeah of what are we gonna talk

[00:04:21] about today and you know what are we gonna do for the show this week and

[00:04:24] things like that because I think I you know like you said I funnel it into

[00:04:28] we can only talk about these certain topics and for the most part I think

[00:04:33] I do that but other times it's more of a well we've talked about this let's not

[00:04:38] kill our listeners by talking about it again and let's not you know there's

[00:04:42] only so many times we can discuss a certain topic before people start to

[00:04:45] tune us out. So that's the fear that I run into all the time and so like this

[00:04:51] morning we still didn't have a topic for the show we were out late last

[00:04:57] night. We didn't go to bed until midnight so we didn't get home until like 10

[00:05:04] 30 and I thought the whole way home that we were driving it was a two and a half

[00:05:09] hour drive you know what are we gonna talk about what are we gonna talk about

[00:05:12] and then well and to be fair like without going in specifics like I got

[00:05:15] sick last night so I was not yeah I wasn't in a good way. I don't know if

[00:05:21] y'all dealt with this stomach bug this virus that's been going around I

[00:05:26] feel like everybody I talked to has had some dealings with it but we've now had

[00:05:31] it twice in this house. I've gone to the doctor I keep pushing him maybe he'll

[00:05:35] even just take the medicine that I've been given. Before last night I've been

[00:05:39] getting better like I think last night because we went to a crawfish boil. I

[00:05:43] mean yeah I mean crawfish boil. And I think I pushed the nuclear button and my

[00:05:48] stomach said no that was too much too fast because up till then I've been

[00:05:55] getting better. I mean I wouldn't say I was back to normal but I was certainly

[00:05:58] heading in that direction and then last night was just it was bad. Joe says Phil

[00:06:04] does look kind of pasty this morning he did not feel good last night and I kept

[00:06:08] like pushing my drugs on. Like take this my doctor gave it to me because of the

[00:06:13] symptoms that you're having take this. Yeah but as a general rule like

[00:06:17] first of all I don't like I don't like taking especially prescription

[00:06:22] medication for the first time when I'm away from home or like when we're

[00:06:25] driving for two and a half hours to get home because my concern always is like

[00:06:29] what if there's some kind of a side effect and instead of having instead of

[00:06:33] being home and instead of having a hospital that we know that's right down

[00:06:37] the road we're two and a half hours away from home something goes bad. So to

[00:06:42] me it was like I feel bad but it's not like I'm dying I just felt horrible.

[00:06:48] Yeah but anyway so we've been dealing with all of that since Easter because

[00:06:53] Piper first got sick on Good Friday so anyway so this morning I'm talking to

[00:07:01] Phil about I don't know what we're gonna do this morning maybe we just cancel

[00:07:04] the show blah blah blah so then I he's like you know sometimes me and Andrew

[00:07:08] what we do is we just Google what's happening like current events. Like not

[00:07:13] to give you all too much of a peek behind the curtain of Matterfax

[00:07:16] podcast or podcasting in general but it's like until Gillian I'm like you know

[00:07:20] we've I've been doing Matterfax with Andrew for eight years we're come we

[00:07:25] just passed our one-year anniversary with raising values but there are

[00:07:28] long-form podcasts that are similar format to ours that have been going on

[00:07:32] for well over a decade and then some you know I'm saying there are shows

[00:07:37] that are much much larger than ours and they they struggle with the same

[00:07:42] thing but it's like I gave you the analogy about Joe Rogan's podcast Joe Rogan

[00:07:47] started off really just interviewing comedians but how many comedians are

[00:07:50] there you're gonna run out sooner or later so he's kind of spread out to

[00:07:55] interview like politicians UFC fighters people people in pop culture he

[00:08:00] interviews he could grab a random person off the street and have an hour

[00:08:03] long conversation with them people tune in listen to because it's Joe Rogan

[00:08:06] show and that's the way he does things. Is that what we are Kyle says

[00:08:10] were celebrities so are people just tuning in now just to see the Phil

[00:08:14] and Gillian show? I hate having the word celebrity hung over my head because I'm not

[00:08:17] I laugh at him every time. I laugh at him but anyway what we... To my point was

[00:08:22] sometimes when we're kind of like we've talked about we've talked

[00:08:26] about home defense 15,000 times we can't do it again sometimes I just get

[00:08:31] on Google and I'm like you know what's going on in the world today

[00:08:34] Andrew and I this past weekend we talked about appending ATF rule that

[00:08:39] they're publishing and how it relates to a no-knock rate that happened about a

[00:08:43] month and a half ago because it was for the exact same reason so it kind of

[00:08:46] shows the direction of that agency's focus and I'm like that's what's

[00:08:51] happening right now and it's gonna impact the community that we're speaking

[00:08:54] to. So I feel like sometimes you're right we can't just talk about you

[00:09:00] know we can't talk about raising kids for the 15,000th time but we can

[00:09:04] talk about things that either we're seeing that impact families or current

[00:09:11] stories the current news cycle that's impacting families or current legislation

[00:09:14] that's impacting families or just somebody else's take on this is what they

[00:09:18] think is impacting families and this is our take on it. That's all within

[00:09:22] bounds. Yeah so actually you made me just think of one that will be good if

[00:09:28] we are able to do the show next week because we have to go out of town

[00:09:31] again but if we're able to do one I have remind me it's something that just

[00:09:36] passed the House or it might have passed the Senate. Federal or state? State in our

[00:09:42] state and I won't give much away. Anyway so anyway what we decided to do was I

[00:09:46] found this article the five most common family issues I didn't read the

[00:09:51] article because I wanted to just take the banners that they used and then

[00:09:56] you know give my opinion I didn't want to be influenced by this author's position

[00:10:02] on all of these but I did think that yeah these are these are all pretty common

[00:10:07] issues in a marriage and a family so that's what we're gonna talk about today.

[00:10:13] No Joe I didn't uh send it to us either through like Signal or something. Okay so for

[00:10:19] Stewart and the listeners. Oh Stewart's in there too. No Stewart's not in there but

[00:10:23] I always have Stewart in the back of my head going you have to read the comments. Oh dad

[00:10:26] going there. You see the news Joe said did you see the new school legislation in Missouri?

[00:10:31] No but it is a school legislation um some bill that has passed in Louisiana and I

[00:10:37] thought that that was there's a lot of uproar um it's becoming a very heated debate

[00:10:43] a lot of people are for it and a lot of people are very very against it so um

[00:10:48] I suspect our new governor is um shaking that pot a little bit he is stirring that pot which

[00:10:54] is good we needed that I think we needed you know. That's why he was elected because people wanted the

[00:11:00] pot shaken yeah quite quite frankly you know we've had two terms of after two terms of John Bell Edwards

[00:11:08] like categorically not listening to the voters on a broad scope of issues and I blame the

[00:11:14] Republican party for a lot of that believe it or not I blame them all they're all worthless well but

[00:11:20] but hear me out some of them are okay John Bell Edwards was a Democrat and his he was never a

[00:11:27] super popular candidate among independents and Republicans for lots of obvious reasons his policy

[00:11:34] positions were not good in my opinion okay well I'm gonna stop you there can I just get it out

[00:11:40] okay get it out but then you're gonna have to repeat it again next but the problem is the other side

[00:11:44] ran uneven less popular candidate Republicans stayed home and they did it twice yeah they ran a

[00:11:51] they well first the first time they ran well the first time the Republican party ran a known

[00:11:59] adulterer and you know for all for all Louisiana's problems if if you if you are a person that

[00:12:06] cheats on your wife you should probably stay out of public service because we just we don't have a good

[00:12:11] opinion of that and the second time they ran unknown crooked slimy businessmen that everybody

[00:12:17] knew was crooked and slimy and the voters stayed home they said I'm not voting for that guy yeah

[00:12:22] any I digress yeah I don't want to give too much away because I do think that um look Joe

[00:12:29] Joe is always talking about how he gets us going on different rants and not what

[00:12:34] squirrel and we're really bad about that so um Joe this is the one and only time I'm gonna say

[00:12:40] thanks Joe no but that's good because now I don't have to worry about what are we gonna talk about

[00:12:45] next week so I have that much you forget no I'm gonna remember this I'm I'm gonna remember this

[00:12:51] okay so the five most common family issues so if you agree with us in the comments I want to

[00:12:56] hear it if you don't I want to hear it too because like I said I didn't read the article

[00:13:00] specifically so that I could give my own opinions not based on the influence of this author I shouldn't

[00:13:06] have well as soon as you came in and said it was written by a feminist two hates men that's not

[00:13:15] exactly the way I put it I said this this was written by a woman by a woman for women like

[00:13:21] but anyway so um the first one is being far away now geographical distance far away okay

[00:13:28] okay being far away geographically um this is I don't I I don't see it as an issue but

[00:13:38] I guess so I have to think about the time when you worked for the airport and you were gone

[00:13:44] a lot you were gone I was pregnant most that I was by myself most of the time I was pregnant

[00:13:49] with Piper and then and I didn't blame you or anything like that I mean strong enough

[00:13:53] woman I could do it in that career I mean I lived at a suitcase six months out of the year I mean

[00:13:57] it was I was away from home alive it is it was hard we were three four years married for

[00:14:06] yeah four years married when I got pregnant with Piper so um that it was a little difficult um but

[00:14:15] now I think we'll get to that in the bonus round Joe he says money uh physical affection and

[00:14:23] in-laws physical affection yes yeah I think I think we'll get yeah we'll get to that that'll be the

[00:14:29] bonus round that'll be the bonus round yeah when you have that banner down there it says what would

[00:14:33] Gillian and Phil add to this that's what we can add what would Gillian and Phil and Joe add to

[00:14:39] this list um being far away so I don't like it when Phil leaves I I get I oh this is gonna

[00:14:47] sound really strange and I would love it if other women could chime in maybe if you're listening

[00:14:55] post live show tell me if you feel this way I get super stressed and I used to have really really

[00:15:02] bad anxiety attacks sometimes I still do get a little anxiety if Phil falls asleep before me

[00:15:09] and he thinks it is the craziest thing I know but I really he's not far away he's in the

[00:15:16] same bed as me I'm literally like on him but I have these like horrible like anxiety attacks

[00:15:24] because now my husband is going to sleep he's like I'm right here babe like I'm not leaving you

[00:15:28] I'm right here you can crawl on whatever you can not like that but um I'm like yes but you're

[00:15:36] now unconscious and I don't know what it is but after about 10 minutes of him being asleep

[00:15:42] I'm like okay I'm cool like it's we're fine whatever so I have I do get super bad anxiety when Phil

[00:15:50] leaves there are times when he has to be deployed because of work and um I I know I can handle

[00:15:58] things I know I can be I can woman up and be like you know run the show I very capable of doing

[00:16:04] it and have done it through most of our marriage and you know time together I mean hell we went

[00:16:10] through I we weren't married when you were in Iraq and I didn't know you while you were first deployed

[00:16:17] but I did we were together when you were deployed for Katrina and you were gone for six months and

[00:16:24] like really gone and not like a cushy office kind of gone but sleeping on the floor in a

[00:16:29] hangar that you know had been ruined by Hurricane Katrina so well and that was also an issue

[00:16:35] where like cell phone coverage wasn't exactly super consistent in New Orleans so like there were

[00:16:40] there were times you you wouldn't be able if you had tried to get a hold of me there could be

[00:16:44] hours or even days sometimes where I'll get it sooner or later yeah but I think I'm guessing

[00:16:52] because I didn't read the article but what I'm thinking is this person is saying that

[00:16:59] when one person is taken from the relationship and they're maybe they have to work for

[00:17:05] they have to go away for work or something then that other person is then left to shoulder all the

[00:17:13] I don't want to say burdens but all the burdens responsibilities of the household and raising

[00:17:18] the kids and making the dinners and making the lunches and maybe doing all the diapers and putting

[00:17:24] them all to sleep and things like that and I do understand that I think if that were the case

[00:17:31] all the time in this house it would have become an issue but what we did was we decided

[00:17:38] you know I was I changed my job I changed I wouldn't say career paths because I was still in

[00:17:44] nonprofits but I changed where I was working because I was gone 12 hours and I wasn't home

[00:17:53] so like it wasn't working for our family and we both realized that and so I decided I'm gonna

[00:18:01] start working on the North Shore so I can be home more so I don't know so what do you think like

[00:18:06] being far away so I look at it in the guy in the con in two contexts first of all I think back

[00:18:14] to the time that like I was still considering going active duty military oh yeah as a career

[00:18:20] and I had been very a problem that was a scary time well but I'd also been very upfront with you

[00:18:24] about the fact that like if if I do this because I was considering like officer candidate school and

[00:18:30] you know second lieutenant pay is not great but it's a heck of a lot better than a listed pay

[00:18:34] well it was a heck of a lot better than what we were making fresh out of college yeah first

[00:18:39] to your marriage but I was looking at it from the guys of if I'm gonna do this and I'm

[00:18:44] gonna be deployable and I'm gonna be working away from home a lot it has to accommodate you being

[00:18:50] a stay-at-home mom it has to at least enable you to do that like if you want to go get a part-time

[00:18:54] job away from the house that's fine but it could not require that because I understood that me

[00:19:00] being away for a prolonged period of time is going to be a burden on you so I had to try to

[00:19:04] alleviate the burden somewhere else and then when that fell through I look at it in the

[00:19:09] context of when I lost my job working in the aviation business because like I said I was

[00:19:14] away from home six months out of the year and we made up for it when I would come home yeah I'd

[00:19:19] knock off two days during the week because I was a salary employee my boss didn't care how many hours

[00:19:24] it took me to get my job done as long as it got done so I'd be gone for two three weeks

[00:19:29] and when I'd come home I'd take two three extra days off you know catch up on sleep

[00:19:34] we would hang out we'd go do stuff and then we'd balance the scale some kind of way but when I got

[00:19:41] laid off from that job and I had the opportunity to stay in aviation I made the assessment pretty

[00:19:45] quickly of with a child on the way this is not the way forward this is this is just not the

[00:19:52] way forward like I need to be home more and this is before we had any earthly idea about

[00:19:58] what was going to happen with you and postpartum it turns out it was a really good

[00:20:02] decision to make yeah it all worked out but yeah but I mean at the end of the day I look at it as

[00:20:08] you know like no fault to those those especially those dads but those parents who have to work

[00:20:14] away from home a lot and don't get into spending so much time with their families

[00:20:19] I put more of a priority on being home every night I I believe that if I had the opportunity

[00:20:27] to change careers and I made a major career change back then like dump the career that I was in that

[00:20:34] I enjoyed that I was very successful at I mean I'd made my way to be in a general manager when I was

[00:20:40] 29 years old that's unheard of in that business but it wasn't worth it to me if I couldn't spend

[00:20:46] every night home with my wife and daughter it wasn't worth it to me the only reason I tolerate

[00:20:51] having to deploy now is because it's so intermittent but I digress I think the I think

[00:20:56] like you said the issue with being far away with having to travel for work is that it does take you

[00:21:02] out of the house and as a result it's not even just the oh I have to do the laundry or I have

[00:21:07] to do this or I have to do that that my husband usually does it's all the tiny little things that

[00:21:12] we don't even notice that that other spouse gets done that you never even think about because

[00:21:18] it just gets done yeah it's it's like when you're because I pop right I go through this

[00:21:24] we went through this recently when you were away for a while like we I told Piper I'm like the only

[00:21:30] way I can make this operation run smoothly when you're gone is to be hyper organized like everything

[00:21:36] gets done schedule I have checklists we have her lunch made the night before every day we had her

[00:21:41] clothes laid out because that level of neurotic OCD is the only way I can ensure that we're

[00:21:47] not going to miss something because in the morning usually you know you get her up you get

[00:21:52] her ready for school she gets herself ready she does it all by herself now but what I'm saying

[00:21:57] is that when she sleeps in or she misses something you're the check you're the checklist without you

[00:22:02] being there I had to be the checklist it's just it's all this little thing so I mean I think that

[00:22:08] this can make things difficult for a family I think you can offset it in a variety of ways

[00:22:16] either with like sliding duties between spouses where like when this when when spouse A comes home

[00:22:22] from being out for a couple of weeks they just understand they're gonna have to kind of pick

[00:22:25] up additional slack to let their their other spouse recover or you have to figure out some

[00:22:29] way like well if I'm gonna be gone a lot then I have to take a load off my spouse so they

[00:22:34] don't have to work full time you know you you got you gotta balance the scale yeah that's

[00:22:39] that's going to be the theme for a lot of these topics with me is you gotta balance the scale

[00:22:44] because when it comes to how to manage a family there are very few moments where I am very this

[00:22:51] is the only right way and that's all there is to it it usually is if you take from here you have

[00:22:56] to give here yeah you you have to balance I mean every every spell every family finds their balance

[00:23:02] point or they don't that I know I've said this before but my dad who is 71 71 he's you know

[00:23:15] retired obviously and gets to stay home and think about things and that is the one thing that he

[00:23:21] apologizes for all the time which I tell him stop doing um was that he wasn't home enough

[00:23:28] my dad worked an hour away every day but he he was so my dad was an environmental engineer and so when

[00:23:38] things blew up literally or when there were leaks or whatever I don't know what all happened but he

[00:23:44] worked at all these chemical plants and he was also very much into legislation and writing it

[00:23:52] and you know doing all these things for chemical oil and gas filled kind of thing so he was out a lot

[00:24:00] and now at 71 he can reflect back on he's a lot of time to reflect back on how much time he was

[00:24:07] away from home and like I said I tell him all the time stop apologizing I don't think he ever

[00:24:13] will get over the guilt of not being home all the time but that is just something we decided

[00:24:20] a long time ago we didn't want to have you know so anyway I think we need to move on to the next banner

[00:24:28] this one is you and me all over only because we're total opposites we are polar opposites

[00:24:36] like but it works I don't but to that point I can't think of one aspect of our personalities

[00:24:42] that's the same like here's the thing not one no not even one here's the thing we agree on a

[00:24:48] lot of the same things in principle like think think about like our opinions about marriage things

[00:24:54] like monogamy faithfulness um the fact that this is like a very emotional bond that nobody else can

[00:25:01] intrude into that spouse has to come before children like there's there's a lot of these

[00:25:06] principles we agree on which is why we got married because if we didn't agree on those

[00:25:10] things this wouldn't work but when it comes to personality you're a type b I'm a type a

[00:25:16] you're very go with the flow like I want to spend four hours sitting in the chair with my cat in

[00:25:21] my lap reading a book on a on saturday on saturday or sunday what she was doing right before we started

[00:25:26] podcasting and in my head I'm thinking okay I gotta get laundry I gotta get laundry done I've got to

[00:25:31] get tries me nuts I gotta get laundry done I gotta we gotta go grocery shopping today I've got

[00:25:36] like 200 or 300 cases on my bench I want to reload I got this I got this I got this I got

[00:25:41] this project I have projects I am literally planning right now like I'm writing out list

[00:25:46] of components and everything and how I'm going to assemble them I'm trying to figure out wire

[00:25:49] routing patterns and everything like my brain is a constant maelstrom of stuff I'm always thinking

[00:25:57] about stuff I want to work on and it's usually prioritized in order of this needs to get done

[00:26:01] right now this needs this can get done later or it's prioritized in this is going to require

[00:26:08] x amount of money and I don't have that money right now so it's got to wait till later but like

[00:26:12] I'm always in motion and it drives you crazy that I won't just sit down and read a book for five minutes

[00:26:18] or hours but therein lies my point we are completely opposites we are so how do we

[00:26:27] I'm not going to say how do we stop from clashing because sometimes we just do

[00:26:32] I yeah I don't think I well okay I think we clashed a lot more early in our marriage

[00:26:39] now I just know that on Sundays Phil's going to be running around here like a chicken with a test

[00:26:44] his head cut off or you know whatever because who I still say is like I'll look at him sometimes

[00:26:50] I'm like could you just like stop just I need you to just sit down but that aggravates

[00:26:56] me worse than anything relax okay so here's my issue with that and this is why this is why every

[00:27:04] time you tell me just sit down take a break it pisses me off worse than anything or no this is

[00:27:09] what pisses me off worse than anything okay is when I'm actively in the process of doing something

[00:27:13] like emptying the dishwasher and then you tell me well if you would leave that I'll get to

[00:27:19] if you'll just leave it I'll get there that drives me crazy though because my point of view is

[00:27:24] because my point of view is is a couple of things in this order I want it done

[00:27:29] whoo I didn't know this one's gonna get so feisty I want it done it needs to get done okay

[00:27:35] I have decided I put it in my priority list like I do everything in a priority list type a

[00:27:40] personality in the seat and I've worked my way down the list to this item so I have decided

[00:27:48] now is the time to get it done because there's other things that need to get done behind it

[00:27:52] and I'm not going to like jump your butt and say get your lazy butt up put the book down come

[00:27:57] over here and do this I'm just gonna take care of it is that what you think no no time out time out

[00:28:02] my point is I'm gonna take care of it okay so when you tell me oh I'll I'll get to that later

[00:28:08] if you leave it alone that drives me crazy because my point of view is like if you want to help

[00:28:14] come over and help if you don't want to help sit over there and leave me alone

[00:28:18] and just let me get it done it'll be done in five minutes anyway and then I'll move on to the next

[00:28:23] thing yeah but then I feel guilty but that's your own internal guilt and my point of view is if you

[00:28:28] feel guilty you should put the book down and come and take care of it so I can move on to

[00:28:32] number 5678 on my priority list and you do the dishes or just sit there read a book and take a

[00:28:38] load off I don't mind unloading the dishwasher it's being recorded that's fine okay but my point

[00:28:44] is is that I'll hurt it my point is that when you try to like wave me off of something I'm working on

[00:28:50] that aggravates the crap out of me because my point of view is is this needs to get done and then

[00:28:56] there's six other things that need to get done and I know that on a Saturday and Sunday like you

[00:29:01] and Piper like to just kind of like veg chill and everything else and that's fine but I don't

[00:29:06] derive any kind of enjoyment from sitting and vegging my I am a very task oriented person

[00:29:14] I'm very driven I I like to go to bed at nine feeling like I got a bunch of stuff done I got

[00:29:20] a bunch of stuff taken care of I got a bunch of projects knocked out I feel accomplished at that

[00:29:25] point the the idea of me if I did what you do want to Saturday or Sunday and I sat around for

[00:29:30] like four or five hours reading a book I would go to bed feeling like a lazy POS because I didn't

[00:29:35] get anything done sure is that how I should feel but that's the problem is you shouldn't

[00:29:40] feel the way because your personality you derive enjoyment from relaxing I don't okay but this this

[00:29:47] is the personality clash though is that you have to accept your husband is going to run around like

[00:29:52] fly to the bumblebee on a weekend because that's what I enjoy I enjoy getting things done I enjoy

[00:29:59] being able to sit take a step back and say I have a whole ammo can full of stuff loaded up

[00:30:04] that wasn't loaded up this morning I feel accomplished I got something done or I got

[00:30:08] a radio installed in my truck because it needed to get done and I got it knocked out I figured

[00:30:14] it out ran into a couple of problems but it's done now and it's an item off my to-do list

[00:30:18] and something that I can make useful again but those are the personality clashes now I feel

[00:30:24] like what I feel like where the clash would come in is a when you try to get me to take it

[00:30:32] easy because that's what you want to do or if I try to hustle you up and stop you

[00:30:38] from taking it easy because I like to get stuff done that's where the clash comes in it's to me

[00:30:44] the personality clash can be avoided if you just accept the other spouse is very different from

[00:30:50] you and their motivations are different and they're what fulfills them is different you have to

[00:30:55] allow the other spouse to be them now it's not to say that sometimes it doesn't need to be a

[00:31:01] little bit of meat in the middle because I also think when we talk about personality clashes

[00:31:06] I think about the fact that like when we go on vacation what is our fight

[00:31:11] planning I'm a planner I like to make a schedule I like to know what's going on I like to know when

[00:31:16] we're gonna do stuff and that's usually when the fight starts because you're like a you're a

[00:31:21] we're on vacation we don't need a schedule we don't need a plan we're just gonna go figure it out

[00:31:25] but that level of not knowing what's going on when makes my OCD go into orbit so we have to

[00:31:32] kind of like I feel like there's moments when it comes to personality clashes where you have to

[00:31:36] just meet the other person where they are and there's times when you got to like you got to

[00:31:40] compromise a little bit like you have to bend a little bit to me one to plan and I have to bend

[00:31:45] a little bit to not make a schedule for a vacation okay but you're already on the June vacation

[00:31:56] what do you mean well you know as far as we've planned the June vacation is

[00:32:01] where like what day are we leaving what day are we gonna stop and see your cousin on the way up

[00:32:05] there and what days are we gonna be up there that's as much planning as we've done like once we get

[00:32:10] up there my plan is to sit out by the lake smoke cigars drink bourbon and screw off with our friends

[00:32:18] okay we have comments we do so Nina because I can't call her garden girl even so she gave

[00:32:24] her permission she gave me permission to call her whatever you want well I can't know okay you can

[00:32:30] call her one of two things said we are super different too we are getting ready to go somewhere

[00:32:36] because he can't just relax somewhere like where like a psych ward well okay is that where I need

[00:32:43] to put no but but here's here's the thing I think that was a joke I think what she's

[00:32:49] referring to is probably that winter spent when her spouse is like at home they see all

[00:32:53] the projects that need to get done you have to take them out of that environment so there's no

[00:32:56] projects to get done and I but but I understand that and I can't even say that's like all men

[00:33:01] because I don't know if it's all men but I do feel I do I resonate with that because like

[00:33:06] I'm a very task driven person things need to get done and if I don't get things done I feel bad

[00:33:14] and I don't know I don't know a more primal way to break it down or they're just I feel like

[00:33:19] I feel like I didn't get my job done that day and the funny thing of it is is that

[00:33:25] I get enjoyment from getting things done for me and for this family because it's the first time

[00:33:31] you've ever said it like that that's the first time you've ever said it like that which does

[00:33:35] it does spend a different look for me like it does make it make me feel a different way about

[00:33:41] you running around like a you know whatever because all these years you thought I was just

[00:33:45] trying to shame you into getting up off the couch and doing stuff right yeah even though I told

[00:33:49] you multiple times that's not what I'm doing I know I know but then I have to deal with my guilt

[00:33:55] of my husband's running around doing all the stuff and I really just want to see what happens in

[00:33:59] the next chapter and then in the next chapter and then I start thinking of you know did I get

[00:34:05] my lesson plans done and what do I need to prep for tomorrow and I don't want to be in tomorrow

[00:34:11] yet I want to be right here in my chair reading my book and finishing it and then thinking about my

[00:34:16] next book I will say this much though there have been times like the last weekend when I was ripping

[00:34:22] the brakes off your Jeep and when I came back into the house like I don't know what was it three four

[00:34:27] hours later covered in brake dust and everything I noticed I'm like okay the dishwasher got

[00:34:32] unloaded the laundry got started like all these things that I normally do were getting done well

[00:34:38] yeah because you were out there I mean you were fixing my brakes you were I was literally sledge

[00:34:44] hammering her rotors off of her Jeep because they were stuck a little bit and I get that that's the

[00:34:50] whole balancing you know whatever but um so yeah of course I was gonna do that kind of stuff

[00:34:58] but therein lies my point is that I was detained with something else and you put your

[00:35:04] book down and stepped up and took care of stuff that I would normally take care of there's balance

[00:35:08] there yeah I don't expect you to get you know to like learn how to reload ammo and come join me at

[00:35:13] the bench and you know rattle the gear lady uh I don't mind doing that stuff Joe's okay Joe you

[00:35:21] said I'm not waiting for you always do that then I can't read it I'm not waiting for my wife to

[00:35:26] leave for church then I'm a tornado of getting it done I don't I guess I don't understand and

[00:35:31] then you asked me what my thoughts were and I don't I don't know if that was I think that's because

[00:35:36] Joe Joe wait I think it's because Joe like waits till his wife is gone and not watching him run

[00:35:41] around like a tornado oh no I think okay anyway those are your comments so I know that they'll

[00:35:51] be in the comments to explain that a little bit well wait wait wait I just missed something

[00:35:56] garden girl saying we just redid our entire front planner because he didn't like the bushes

[00:36:01] but it does look way better and then Joe said yes Phil okay so how do you feel about the fact that like

[00:36:08] he waits until his wife is not around and then he goes in a flat of the bumblebee mode I mean I think

[00:36:14] that's if if your wife gets as you know crazy about it as I do when Phil's going around and

[00:36:24] whatever I think that's great I think that if you realize that it bothers your wife to see

[00:36:29] you like that but you know you have to be like that and you wait for her to leave so she doesn't

[00:36:34] have to witness it then that's really nice of you Joe I'm sure your wife really appreciates that

[00:36:41] I take the opposite point of view of you have to meet each spouse where they are that's your

[00:36:46] husband I I'm not suggesting that whoa we'll come out now I'm not suggesting that I need to go

[00:36:54] somewhere on Sundays while you work crazy now that you have put it into a different perspective

[00:37:00] because you've never said this is you getting enjoyment and fulfillment in your day you've

[00:37:05] never said it like that so it does shed a different light on it so I always will deal with

[00:37:13] I'm I'm someone who always carries guilt I carry guilt for every single thing I the way I talk

[00:37:18] to somebody the conversation I had at school the how did I talk to the kids today or

[00:37:23] you know what did we talk about or how did I speak to my husband or why do I feel you know I

[00:37:27] there's an ongoing list of why Gillian feels guilty so maybe hopefully that would help with

[00:37:35] the guilt of I really just want to veg out and read my book because when I'm doing that

[00:37:40] that is me disconnecting and you know me I have to disconnect I can't constantly be plugged in

[00:37:48] my personality does not allow me to be constantly plugged in I need to break away separate even and

[00:37:56] this is what we were talking about last week with mental health I've got to take that time

[00:38:01] to recharge and that's how I recharge and if this is what gives you enjoyment and fulfillment

[00:38:07] then by all means do it and I'll you know I won't turn around and be like hey babe if

[00:38:13] you'll just not if you'll just leave that I'll do it but we just we have always known that

[00:38:21] we get enjoyment and fulfillment out of different things and to be fulfilled you have to be able

[00:38:27] to allow the other to do what they need to do.

[00:38:31] Light bulb. Communication problems. We don't have those. We just talked about having one.

[00:38:37] No that's the only one. No so just before we move on Joe said it's how me and Phil take care of our

[00:38:47] family and yes it is like I don't know how to I don't know how else to say it you know I will

[00:38:54] say that like when it comes to so talking about communication problems using the dishwashers

[00:39:02] the example what frustrates me is when you tell me oh leave that I'll get it later because

[00:39:09] I I see doing things around the house as taking care of my family okay I also see it as like

[00:39:18] I'm not going to berate somebody else about you know come over here and help me unless I need

[00:39:23] help if it's something I can't do by myself or I really need to do this I need you to step up

[00:39:28] and take care of this or especially like with with hurt with Piper I'm trying to teach a lesson

[00:39:34] like I'm not going to put water in them in the cat's dish her food in the cat's dish clean

[00:39:38] the litter box unless it's an extenuating circumstance but I'm gonna get on her about

[00:39:43] it because I'm trying to teach a lesson yeah I'm trying to break her into this thought

[00:39:47] process of like you have chores around here too they got to get taken care of right

[00:39:50] right and only part of that is with escalating cost involved in raising a teenager I'm expecting her

[00:39:59] to shoulder some of the burden of the housework around here I mean it's only fair right but

[00:40:06] if I'm in the process doing something take care of my family and then somebody else says

[00:40:09] oh just leave that that drives me crazy because my point of view is I it comes across to me as

[00:40:16] you're trying you're trying to do me a favor by taking a load off of me but I feel like if you

[00:40:20] want to take a load off me you get up off your butt and come over here and help

[00:40:25] so by telling me oh leave it and I'll get to it later that means that means nothing to me it

[00:40:32] literally it doesn't it doesn't take on something off my plate because in my opinion if

[00:40:37] you want to take it off plate come over here and do it right now because if you're not going

[00:40:40] to I'm gonna get it done right now and then I'm gonna move on to the next thing

[00:40:42] but it also doesn't provide me like any relaxation because the way my mind works is that if I skip this

[00:40:51] and go down in the next thing on the list I'm still working I'm not I'm still not gonna sit

[00:40:56] down and take it easy for the day because I've still got stuff to get done but what's gonna

[00:41:00] happen is after I get those other things done if that isn't done now I have to come back to

[00:41:04] and do it who it so by me rearranging my priority list I have accomplished nothing

[00:41:11] other than frustrating myself because I was told leave that they'll get done and when I came back

[00:41:16] to it it wasn't done yet that's why I would just say that like communicating to me means

[00:41:23] if you want to help stop what you're doing come over and help and if you're relaxing if you're

[00:41:29] reading a book redo whatever that's fine just don't stop me from trying to take care of it

[00:41:35] but I feel like when communication problems come in for us a lot is also just like the

[00:41:39] way we communicate like you're you're very focused on like and stop me if I'm wrong but like this is

[00:41:44] from my perspective but you're very focused on like the tone the inflection the how a message was

[00:41:53] communicated and I'm very focused on what message was communicated that's always been our biggest

[00:42:00] yeah because sometimes I call what it is like I am communicating to you exactly what I'm trying

[00:42:06] to get across word for word in a very strategic way but sometimes the way I communicated or the tone

[00:42:14] I use because I'm frustrated or because I'm worried or whatever that bleeds through and your mind says

[00:42:19] oh he's mad at me and then we get into the big ol fight about well you said this and I'm like I

[00:42:24] never said that I said this and then that's another fight about you're putting words in my

[00:42:29] mouth because that's not what I said I said this but regardless of what I said this is what

[00:42:33] you heard because that's what my tone said but I don't hear my tone because I'm a type A personality

[00:42:40] I don't operate in the world of emotions and all that I operate in the world in the world of

[00:42:45] rationality and saying specifically what I'm intending and you know like we communicate we

[00:42:53] used to communicate totally opposite Gillian and I used to be the people that could have a parallel

[00:42:59] conversation and hear totally different things and that's the way I that's why I described as a

[00:43:05] parallel conversation I would say this she would hear this and the two would never meet in the middle

[00:43:11] yes but we've gotten a lot better over the years we have I mean we've we have so we have there

[00:43:19] are times where I'm still like watch your tone like you're speaking to your wife this is not

[00:43:24] I'm not an employee I am not you know I'm not a soldier I am your wife I need you to speak

[00:43:32] to me like your wife I just need you to put a little bit more love in there like sprinkle

[00:43:35] a little bit more love in there a little bit more compassion a little bit more you know this is

[00:43:40] this isn't a job this is this is your life partner this is the person who's going to

[00:43:48] be there forever and if you don't want me to punch you I need you to just check your tone

[00:43:54] but to that end like that's also the situation where like a until you tell me check your tone I

[00:44:01] don't hear it I don't even realize it but the other thing is like you and I have both done this

[00:44:06] where it's like I'm not yelling at you I'm just yelling because I'm angry like I'm angry about

[00:44:10] that over there but I'm talking to you about it so the anger is still in the tone well I

[00:44:16] think all of so every couple fights I mean if you if you say you don't fight with your spouse then

[00:44:23] you're lying but every couple fights we don't we used to fight a lot and I think that had to do

[00:44:29] with our age I think you know when you're 21 and 22 when you first get together you don't even

[00:44:36] know who you are much less who you're dating really you really don't I've always been the

[00:44:40] same person shut up you were like one anomaly in the world I've been the same grouchy old man since

[00:44:47] I was no you've calmed down I have I have chilled out a bit you have chilled out about a bit which

[00:44:52] is nice it's you know you you were a lot of high energy high like as we just got there talking

[00:44:59] about me fly to the bumble being around on a Saturday night when he was in his late 20s early

[00:45:05] 30s like then it was just testosterone on top of all this it was like dial set to 11 constantly

[00:45:12] it was and but anyway so if you don't fight with your spouse then you're lying but over the years

[00:45:20] we've matured we've obviously learned each other more and when those when each when each of us when

[00:45:29] when you change because okay well maybe you're not a good example when I change because I

[00:45:40] when I change in my personality because I do I'm gonna I'm gonna integrate that into my vocabulary

[00:45:46] now I'm gonna say wait not a word no I'm no it's it's a word I'm just I'm just going to integrate

[00:45:51] it into my vocabulary or be like are you fluctuating right now I'm gonna y'all

[00:45:57] it's gonna be a short-lived podcast

[00:46:03] short-lived podcast or episode I'm not quite sure which one is going to get to first yes I fluctuate

[00:46:09] monthly weekly and you can either fly to the bumble be it around the house so you can go hide okay

[00:46:21] one of the two anyway you're such a

[00:46:26] anyway I don't even remember what I was gonna say oh

[00:46:31] we're able you are able now to know that Gillian is doing this little wave of whatever in her

[00:46:38] personality and in her behavior and things like that I would like to say that I am at least

[00:46:43] consistent I'm at least consistent am I consistently inconsistent yes

[00:46:53] I am I am consistently fluctuating consistently fluctuating

[00:47:01] I have to keep you on your toes no you don't the world does that just fine without you

[00:47:07] reaching your own brand of randomness into it yes I have to keep you on your toes and yes Nina

[00:47:15] we had this conversation so Nina said not your employees she you know I said that we had this

[00:47:20] conversation that's funny she said oh my god Phil you are just like my husband we had a

[00:47:27] conversation before we decided to start having children that um we were not going to raise our

[00:47:33] children in a boot camp and that they were not going to be little little soldiers that we're

[00:47:37] going to be running around here sir yes sir and you know give me 20 because you didn't

[00:47:43] clean the dishwasher or whatever you didn't unload the dishwasher and that was our one

[00:47:48] of our first big head butts because I wasn't trying to say there won't be rules there won't

[00:47:55] be structure there won't be things like that I was just saying we're not going to treat our

[00:48:00] children like our own little privates and so anyway I think the reason one of the reasons

[00:48:12] that conversation came up when we started to talk about children was there were times where

[00:48:19] I felt like that I was being spoken to like I was one of the privates in in the army with you

[00:48:27] or I was one of your employees at the airport or you know I I was in the same category of people

[00:48:35] who needed to be told what to do how to do it and when to do it and that wasn't going to work for me

[00:48:41] and so we had that argument and I think I my brain keeps going to our apartment when we first got

[00:48:47] married and um we were in the car we were going home we were in the car and we started talking

[00:48:53] about okay you know we've been married for three years now what about children do you are you still

[00:48:59] wanting to have children and blah blah blah of course we both still wanted children and somehow

[00:49:05] we went from could you imagine you know us having car seats in the back and listening to our children

[00:49:12] coo and whatever and then it went somewhere I wouldn't say dark but it went to the okay yeah

[00:49:19] I can see that but I don't want this I don't want our children to grow up in a household like this

[00:49:25] ironically we had a child that thrives on structure and needs

[00:49:33] all I did I was just the vessel in which a tiny female filled was born she says that but she's

[00:49:39] a tiny female Gillian in a lot of respects yes she is she's a good kid well but here's the thing

[00:49:45] thinking personality clashes thinking back to like the differences in the two of us and I

[00:49:53] I would argue that even though we've both we've both kind of grown together and met in the middle

[00:49:57] like we're still coming at things from very opposite perspectives but when we first got together

[00:50:03] like I've made I've made it very apparent to you that like whether you realized or not

[00:50:07] you were auditioning to be the mother of my children when we were dating

[00:50:11] like I told me that yeah but I would tell you told me that when we were dating but I look at

[00:50:16] things that far down the road and I look at things that analytically like I was asking

[00:50:20] auditioning well yeah because I was because my whole thing of it is is that

[00:50:26] I knew if I was going to have children I knew a kind of a marriage that I wanted to raise

[00:50:32] a kind of a relationship I wanted to raise them in I knew like I knew that structure

[00:50:37] and discipline and consequences for their actions we're going to be central to that

[00:50:43] because and never because like I wanted them to be perfect little privates or salute or do push

[00:50:47] them sorry that crap but it was more the fact that like I see consequences for actions and

[00:50:52] discipline as central to being a healthy well-adjusted child and a successful adult

[00:50:59] in the world around us like my experience from my teenage years to now has been that

[00:51:05] my work ethic has been an enormous benefit to me that my my discipline my ability to like

[00:51:13] shrug off things like oh I'm tired oh I'm in pain or oh I'm whatever shrug that off and stick to

[00:51:18] the plan and do what I have to do no matter what that has been an enormous benefit to me

[00:51:23] my ability to cope with mental strain and stress has been enormous for me

[00:51:28] and none of those things I see most parents raising their kids with these days so I I decided

[00:51:35] before we even got married this is the way I want to raise my children and it was whether they were

[00:51:41] boys or girls I don't draw a distinction they're gonna learn the same things they're gonna be like

[00:51:47] I understand that allowances have to be kind of made for the different emotional balance of like

[00:51:51] boys versus girls but it wasn't as if I was going to say if it's a boy there has to be

[00:51:55] discipline if it's a girl let them run free that that's that doesn't work for me I I look at children as

[00:52:02] if they're gonna be the child of Gillian and Phil Rabley then when I let them out into the world

[00:52:09] people are gonna say I know that's a rabble because they're hardworking because they're

[00:52:14] disciplined because they're respectful because you do realize that people are like that with

[00:52:19] our child I know they are okay but my point is that check these are all things I was thinking

[00:52:24] about before she was even we before we were even married I'd already decided like this is the way

[00:52:30] that children need to be raised because it's the way I think children need to be raised and if I

[00:52:35] can't raise children in that environment I don't want to I don't want to create them so like

[00:52:39] there was no part of marrying you and there's no part of us having a piper that was accidental

[00:52:46] it was all very very intentional on my behalf it was all very very I don't like to use the

[00:52:53] word like calculated because it almost makes sound cold like there's not love involved in this but like

[00:52:58] my decision-making is hyperrational I intentionally take all my emotions and shove them into a bag

[00:53:05] and tie it shut while I make a decision because your wife has an overflowing bag of emotions

[00:53:11] during our decision-making well you could say that but I was that way even before we got

[00:53:16] together like me to me I my fear is always that my emotions are going to betray me they're

[00:53:21] going to enforce they're gonna make me make a bad decision so I take my emotions I put them off on the

[00:53:27] side I look at things rationally I make a rational decision and then I bring the emotions back in

[00:53:33] and say can y'all explain to me a really good reason why we shouldn't do this and nine times out of

[00:53:39] ten the emotions and the rational part of my brain kind of like all agree like okay this will

[00:53:44] work we can accept this but I don't I don't make emotion I don't make decisions emotionally

[00:53:49] it scares the hell out of me that I would because I feel as though I'm going to betray

[00:53:55] myself by allowing my emotions to make a decision without the rational part of my brain

[00:53:59] checking in saying that's a stupid idea you shouldn't do that but I don't know how we got

[00:54:04] all over here in any case so to me it comes down to like when you when you were telling me

[00:54:10] we're not going to raise our kids in a boot camp I was like like what I heard from that was

[00:54:16] we're not going to raise them with discipline and that's why the fight started because I was like

[00:54:19] there is no scenario here where I'm having children and we're going to raise them in a house with no

[00:54:24] discipline and they're going to be allowed to like run wild and be little heathens free range

[00:54:31] no free range children okay but see here's the thing free range means I

[00:54:35] I think free range children and the idea that you're not a helicopter parent

[00:54:40] that's that's one good thing but I I believe that children need discipline I believe children

[00:54:46] need rules and they need structure and yeah the only way they're ever going to understand how to

[00:54:51] like how to live within this family and live within that world out there is if we teach them

[00:54:56] and I just can't sign off on the idea that parents say well I don't want to stifle them I

[00:55:01] don't want to stifle their creativity I'm like stifle the hell out of that kid like that's

[00:55:04] your job as a parent is when these children are born they are a literal lump of clay and it's our

[00:55:12] job to mold them now you can leave let the lump mold itself if you want but that doesn't work out

[00:55:19] well it's our job to press into this child our values and our work ethic and our beliefs and

[00:55:30] to press into this child everything that what we what we believe is the best parts of us

[00:55:35] and leave out the parts we wish we didn't have like I know I'm an impatient person which might sound

[00:55:41] really funny to some people because like I make plans that are like 10 years down the road 20

[00:55:46] years down the road and I'm will but I'm working towards those plans every day but if I could

[00:55:51] literally go out and get a second job work 80 hours a week to get my job my goal is done

[00:55:56] faster I would consider that but the problem is then it take me away from home life and I feel

[00:56:00] like that's that's a that's a sacrifice that kind of doesn't work you know I'm saying so it's well

[00:56:07] but my point my point is that from my perspective I'm a very impatient person I want things to

[00:56:13] happen right now it's the reason I'm running around like a chicken with my cat and my head

[00:56:17] cut off on Saturday and Sunday because I have this long list of things and if what it means

[00:56:21] to get those things done is an eight hour day of killing myself cool sign me up I'm there but in

[00:56:28] spite of all that I don't know that I necessarily want to teach that to her I want her to learn

[00:56:35] my work ethic my discipline I want her to learn how to make rational decisions I want her to learn

[00:56:41] the best parts of me without the parts of me that I feel like aren't helpful

[00:56:46] and vice versa but my point of view of children and this idea of like free rage parenting is

[00:56:52] is if you don't impress upon your child your values and morals somebody else is going to

[00:56:59] and they probably won't be values and morals you wish they had true I have to go back to the

[00:57:04] comment section since I worked chased a rabbit down a hole Joe said well first of all garden

[00:57:10] girl said oh my god you're just like my husband I don't know whether to say I'm sorry or you're

[00:57:16] welcome Joe said men can only have emotions over a very few select things

[00:57:26] and Joe said free range with manners and morals like yeah I think that if you I think that there's

[00:57:31] definitely utility to not being helicopter parent let your children struggle and let them

[00:57:35] figure stuff out the hard way sometimes but I think that there's a balance point there

[00:57:40] and we've talked about that before but in so far as like men only have emotions about a very

[00:57:46] very few select things like yeah that resonates with me a lot because I've been very upfront about

[00:57:52] the fact that like you know there there are there's almost nothing in this house I'm really

[00:57:59] emotionally connected to like you know take home of arms smash them all take my truck burn

[00:58:07] it to the ground take all the stuff in my garage and put a match to it I'm going to be

[00:58:12] aggravated I'm going to be frustrated that I lost those things that I considered useful to us

[00:58:17] but I'll replace them that's why they're insured but take from me that aggravating little cat or you

[00:58:25] or her and now I now I'm truly mad I'm upset I'm heartbroken because there's just there's a

[00:58:31] very small group of things in this world that I am emotionally connected to and outside of

[00:58:36] those things it's binary it's like I mean they're really attached to it or really don't care

[00:58:42] I just I don't care that much it's just stuff it's replaceable like there was another 2015 to

[00:58:49] what had come out there in the world I could go get for that insurance check if I had to

[00:58:53] I'd rather not I'd rather keep that one that I know it's well maintained and it's set up the

[00:58:59] way I want it but at the end of the day it's not like I'm gonna mo because I lost my truck

[00:59:04] I'm just gonna go get gonna go get another truck but I can't really go get another wife or another

[00:59:10] daughter I mean I could but technically if you want to be I will now now Joe I'm not saying

[00:59:18] I might say that's not free license for somebody to go mess with my truck Joe said full stop do

[00:59:22] not mess with my truck it is second to family but I guess there's my point it's second to family

[00:59:27] like it's my family that's really important to me it's my family I don't want I cannot

[00:59:31] replace in my heart everything else is just stuff it's just stuff okay so question based on time we've

[00:59:40] hit an hour we still have three more banners to do do we want to let's plunge through them okay

[00:59:47] you're welcome to stay if you want to or you can just catch the the audio later I'll stop chasing

[00:59:53] rabbits and we'll stick to the point yeah right balancing work and home life

[00:59:57] I feel it well I feel like we kind of talk about this in the last hour yeah that's true because we were

[01:00:04] talking about being away and everything and yeah I mean yeah we've both made career change we've

[01:00:08] both made massive career changes and geographical area changes as far as where our workplace is

[01:00:14] located to have more time together as a family and like the whole reason I'm in the industry I am

[01:00:20] now is because I have a flexible work schedule involved on the weekends it's hourly which

[01:00:24] by its own nature kind of reduces the amount of time I end up having to work on a Saturday or Sunday

[01:00:31] I don't deploy very often so I mean yeah we've made all those decisions so we can have

[01:00:36] better more time with the family and a better home life but we're also just more engaged

[01:00:41] as a family yeah like we have a strict rule about no screens at at the dinner table we

[01:00:48] make a point of spending time together talking to each other we're very involved in each

[01:00:52] other's lives like the most terrifying thing I can think of is to have that life where you get

[01:00:59] home from work she gets home from school and the three of us just go our separate ways and don't

[01:01:04] talk to each other for the rest of the evening like she goes to her room you go to your room

[01:01:07] and we just yeah we're all home together but we're not actually together right that

[01:01:13] that is something I want to avoid at all costs I want to have this I don't think even as she

[01:01:18] becomes a teenager I don't see that happening I think she enjoys spending time with her mom and dad

[01:01:25] and you know as it is right now um we come home and then we're all in the living room together

[01:01:33] whether that's decompressing watching shows on tv or she's watching something and I'm reading or

[01:01:40] and you're probably researching something on your phone or whatever but we're all in the same

[01:01:45] area we're all together sometimes we're all sitting on the couch together we're all like

[01:01:50] huddled up in love and all that stuff and she's about to turn 12 we still do the whole bedtime

[01:01:56] routine of she lays in the bed and watches one more show before she you walk her to her bedroom

[01:02:03] kind of thing I I can see her being and I hope I'm right I can see her being 16 17 years old

[01:02:11] and she's still sitting at the foot of our bed watching a show before she goes to her room

[01:02:15] and she's by herself now but I think we we looked at how unbalanced we were I was in New Orleans

[01:02:26] and when you add how much time you just have to go to work and then you put in the commute of

[01:02:32] you know driving to New Orleans every day each way and then well or an hour it just

[01:02:38] depended an hour to an hour and a half and then for me I had to come home and I would take another

[01:02:43] hour to decompress because driving in New Orleans traffic and driving that commute home of the

[01:02:50] causeway it was just a lot even when we lived inside out and I had to drive home through you

[01:02:56] know New Orleans east and all that stuff I still had to take about an hour to decompress from

[01:03:01] that and so it was an hour by myself doing whatever I needed to do to Woosa and then I

[01:03:07] could come join the family that just couldn't continue and so we've we've done a lot and while

[01:03:15] you know COVID and the tornado that hitched out facility while those were all horrible things

[01:03:22] the light the good thing that came out of it is you are from home now and I get up every morning

[01:03:28] and I know that my husband is home so when you say I hey I go I have to go into the

[01:03:33] office today it's like oh that's not going to be home today when we get up it's like the two of us are

[01:03:39] moping in the mornings and we're where I'm constantly going okay did I do this did I do

[01:03:46] this did I do this because a lot of times in the morning you come behind me and you're like

[01:03:50] oh wait here's the coffee like or you know piper did you pack your lunch or I'm still getting

[01:03:55] ready and you're in the kitchen with piper making sure she's done whatever and then I can come

[01:03:59] out and be like deodorant teeth and hair did you get all that done okay put your shoes on all that

[01:04:04] stuff but that that 30 minutes of us getting ready to walk out of the door when you're not here it

[01:04:12] does get a little I remember one of the one of the times that you had been working from home for

[01:04:18] a while and you had to go back into the office for a day or so I remember getting to work and

[01:04:22] getting at my desk and texting you going I did it we got to school and we both had everything we

[01:04:29] needed and I did it yay me so anyway I think yes work-life balance we've done a lot of really good

[01:04:36] things and we've also kind of talked about this which is why I was saying like let's just plow in

[01:04:40] our head because we've already hit these some of these things yeah like dividing household duties

[01:04:45] like you and I have kind of divided household duties and it's always been I would like

[01:04:50] to think it's always been done like roughly with an eye towards the fact that we both work full time

[01:04:56] so it's only fair that we're both contributing here at the house if we're both contributing to

[01:05:00] the finances there's a discussion you and I had before piper was born about do you like if you

[01:05:06] want to be a stay-at-home mom we're gonna have to arrange things a certain way like I if I'm

[01:05:11] making 100% of the money I have to be in full control of the finances because that's the

[01:05:14] only way this is going to work if there's only one income between the two the two and a half

[01:05:19] of us or three of us and that's going to influence like how much we can afford spent on cars it's going

[01:05:26] to afford how much we can afford spent on a house it's going to impact all those things because

[01:05:29] it's a budgetary problem yeah and you know for various reasons you decided I kind of like my

[01:05:35] career I want to go back to work and I was like that's fine doesn't matter to me when we're

[01:05:39] the other it just it's the thing we first started off talking about where I said you

[01:05:44] gotta find balance if we take from here we gotta give here if you're gonna go back to work

[01:05:51] that's going to bring in a second income that helps me out on the financial the end of things

[01:05:56] it loosens up our finances in a lot of regards but it then means I maybe I don't have to go get a

[01:06:01] part-time job to keep bills paid but it does now mean I have to help out the housework which

[01:06:05] I'm fine with balance balances thing but the other thing I think really screws people about

[01:06:11] dividing household duties it's not like and at least in my experience there are there are in

[01:06:20] this time there are very few households that are like you woman you do woman stuff or you man you

[01:06:25] do man stuff I would like to think that's less of a common thing these days and again for the

[01:06:31] households where that's the way you arrange things man works woman stays home I ain't mad

[01:06:35] at you like I think that's a ballot that's a way to balance things I get frustrated when one of two

[01:06:42] things happens either a there's a recalcitrance to readjusting things sometimes like let's say you

[01:06:52] have one of those traditional households where like wife stays home manages kids manages a house

[01:06:57] husband works wife is sick or wife is recovered from childbirth or something's going on where

[01:07:03] the wife's ability to shoulder that burden normally does has been impacted severely and

[01:07:08] husband refuses to pick up the slack because that's not my job I did my job you know I help me do

[01:07:16] my job why should I help you do your job it gets to be this very jealous confrontational count

[01:07:22] tit for tat tit for tat thing and I can't agree with that because my point of view is just like

[01:07:26] the other day I'm working on the brakes if I wasn't spending four hours working on your

[01:07:30] brakes I'd have been in here doing the things you did even though those were tasks I normally take

[01:07:36] care of you without me saying a word just to praise situations like you know what if he gets finished

[01:07:43] with those breaks and he goes and takes a shower and this laundry and these dishes aren't done

[01:07:47] that's the next thing he's going to be fighting with because I love you but that's my point

[01:07:54] we re we we both reassess the duties and we both like try to step in to help the other out

[01:08:04] and just keep things going like there is no that's your work this is my work

[01:08:09] like it's working has to get done right and I think the only time we ever really get into

[01:08:14] with each other is when we feel like one person's loafing but I don't even feel like that's a

[01:08:19] common thing like nine nine times out of ten it yeah well first of all that's not my way my

[01:08:25] personality doesn't allow for that no you're not a loafer but the other problem is is that sometimes

[01:08:30] I get sick and I'm laid up in the bed for a while and when that happens you just flip a switch and

[01:08:35] fly to the bumblebee just like I normally do because you got to get you got to keep things going

[01:08:39] sometimes sometimes I'm just like you know what all of this can wait because he doesn't feel good

[01:08:44] usually if you don't feel good then I'm already not feeling good so sometimes it is just this can

[01:08:50] wait like I don't have to vacuum the floors right this second I can vacuum the floors

[01:08:55] I start singing the Cinderella song you see he says all this stuff and then he's he goes around

[01:09:03] singing the Cinderella song he doesn't you can't don't just stop oh lord of mercy so anyway so yeah

[01:09:15] the refusal to like break those roles to help out the air spouse really frustrates me but the

[01:09:21] other thing I really drive me crazy about household duties is the idea that like

[01:09:31] what the other thing drives me crazy and again this doesn't apply to you and me but

[01:09:34] this is something I've seen in other relationships is an expectation that once an agreement has

[01:09:42] been made as far as you do this you do this is that then there's an attempt to renegotiate the

[01:09:48] agreement after the fact without something changing in other words somebody say oh yeah I'll take care

[01:09:52] of that and then like two three months in I don't like doing that you take care of that it's

[01:09:57] like no no no you agreed to do this you're not sick you're not broke you know your legs

[01:10:01] not broken not lame I'm not working more you're not working more nothing has changed so why why aren't

[01:10:08] you honoring the agreement and pulling your weight like I feel like sorry I'm a very OCD and you're

[01:10:15] shedding but I feel like this discussion is about dividing household duties like

[01:10:22] I feel like most of the time when this becomes an issue it's because one party

[01:10:27] is trying to like shove all the work onto the other or try to shove more of the work on the other

[01:10:33] instead of them just approaching in a very mature fashion and saying hey I do X I need you to do Y

[01:10:38] we got to work to get all this stuff done but I find this to be an enormous problem when you have

[01:10:44] two working spouses and one spouse once spouse gets in their head that well I just worked an

[01:10:51] eight hour day I came home I don't want to do housework it's usually man doesn't want to housework

[01:10:57] but I've seen it the other way around too where the woman says well I'm tired it's like what the

[01:11:01] hell do you think I am I worked just as many hours as you did I'm tired too but I'm still

[01:11:06] holding my end I don't know so in 10 minutes or less what would you add to this list as like

[01:11:16] a big family a big issue because most of this list I feel like has really been like spouse to

[01:11:22] spouse it's been married couple what would you say is like the most common family issue

[01:11:30] I I always go back to differences are clashing on how to raise children maybe it's you know

[01:11:40] discipline or you know we talked about raising them in a boot camp or you know free range let

[01:11:47] them run around and do whatever I I always feel like because I can remember my childhood still

[01:11:56] and I feel like my parents were like that too my dad was more of a laissez faire kind of you

[01:12:03] know let them be kids and blah blah blah and my mom wanted structure I think my mom thrived on

[01:12:08] structure too I think she still does she still is one of those don't hate me but comparatively to you

[01:12:15] and my mom she's always doing something she's always meddling in something she's always moving she's

[01:12:21] mowing the yard even though she mowed the yard two days ago or you know she's always doing

[01:12:28] something she's never still we went over there the other day she wasn't there where was she I

[01:12:31] don't know she was running an errand was the errand absolutely did the errand need to be

[01:12:35] run at that moment when she knew we were coming over probably not but she just had to go she had

[01:12:39] to go do something so um and then my dad is just kind of like yeah you know just laying around

[01:12:45] day kind of like doing nothing and whatever so I think the I'm trying to think of the word or

[01:12:53] the phrase on how to say this however you prescribe to whatever way you prescribe to

[01:13:00] raising children I think that is a common clash in families well and to your point I think now this

[01:13:07] isn't mine but you got me thinking something you're not saying that I suspect Paris with this is

[01:13:14] parents subverting each other regarding how to raise children yeah in other words like sure the

[01:13:19] the parents don't agree but rather than be adults and find a middle ground and agree on something

[01:13:24] they they undercut each other constantly because it's like well I'm right I'm gonna do what I

[01:13:28] I'm gonna do what I want and I don't care what they think or you know my husband he's too hard on

[01:13:34] the kids and I'm gonna let him run around to be wild but I always tell people I'm like you know not

[01:13:39] only is that an incredibly toxic thing to do to your spouse but you're literally teaching your

[01:13:44] children not to respect they're gonna nine times out of ten kids are going to default to the

[01:13:50] parent that lets them get away with stuff absolutely so you are literally training them

[01:13:56] and molding them to have no respect for the other parents authority and it's like such an

[01:14:01] incredibly destructive thing to teach that child but it's also a pretty I think it's a I think

[01:14:07] it's it's it rises to the level of like betraying your spouse yeah like to me I don't like to

[01:14:13] use the d-word then it ain't Dallas but I think that's grounds for divorce and that sounds pretty

[01:14:19] harsh but I just I can never imagine me telling me teaching your daughter your mom's the idiot she

[01:14:25] doesn't know what she's talking about like that's just that's that's that that twists my stomach

[01:14:30] just thinking about doing that to my spouse it's just wrong but I see so many parents doing it

[01:14:36] oh god yeah I yeah and you know what I have a couple in my head that I and every one of their

[01:14:42] kids is screwed up yeah for sure so that's something that we've always done in this house you

[01:14:47] know kids are going to be kids they're gonna they're gonna get an answer from one parent and

[01:14:51] then they're going to go to the other to see if that parent will you know go along with what they're

[01:14:55] we've gotten caught in that once or twice where like I didn't we didn't realize the other parent

[01:14:59] had already said something and but even then those instances that other parent like I would have

[01:15:06] looked at you and said did you really did you give her that permission or whatever and if you

[01:15:11] had said yes and I was like well okay well if dad said yes and I guess it's fine and we might

[01:15:15] we might address that on the back end privately absolutely we always have but this is so funny

[01:15:21] because so Piper doesn't play that game she used to when she was a kid you know and not a lot she

[01:15:26] played a lot she learned really quick that oh mom and dad are on the same team they're not gonna

[01:15:31] they're not gonna go back and forth but yesterday she had asked Phil a question and I don't remember

[01:15:37] what it was she did not hear Phil's answer and Phil like responded and then he was like talking

[01:15:45] or did something now he turned and did something else and so she didn't hear his answer so she turned

[01:15:49] to me and she asked me the question and I looked at her and my eyes got real big I was like did you

[01:15:56] just did you just ask your dad something and then ask me the same thing and she goes well I didn't

[01:16:01] hear and then you were like did you really just do that and she's like I didn't daddy didn't

[01:16:07] answer and I didn't hear dad's answer well dad did answer but she didn't hear it I mean it was

[01:16:13] an honest you know she wasn't trying to be so blatant with turning mom and dad against each other but

[01:16:20] I didn't realize she didn't hear it either but she really didn't hear your answer

[01:16:25] but so anyway that was like I was like wait what did you really just think that was gonna work

[01:16:32] like we weren't even in different rooms or different parts of the house we were literally

[01:16:37] in a little huddle and you mom I just thought that was funny but anyway I think that's the

[01:16:45] one of the biggest issues and then of course the things that Joe talked about up in the top which

[01:16:49] were you'll have to go back up it was intimacy in laws and um it was way up there and money

[01:16:59] money is a big money's so let me wrap all those up with a bow really quick well okay two

[01:17:05] things three minutes well in laws I'm gonna say the same thing we said earlier about when we talked

[01:17:12] about having children we agreed very early on spouse comes before kids nothing comes between

[01:17:17] the spouses yeah in laws very often try to come between the spouses sometimes or one of the

[01:17:25] spouses tries to insert the in-laws between the spouses did we do that uh we sure as hell

[01:17:30] didn't and I told you very early on this marriage it's going to be a really quick fiery engagement

[01:17:36] if that starts happening from either one of us because like I I have a very probably as a result

[01:17:44] of my very Christian Catholic upbringing but I have a very biblical outlook on marriage

[01:17:51] there is nothing that comes between husband and wife period and discussion never never

[01:17:58] never ever ever does anything come between husband and wife the kids do not come first in

[01:18:03] the marriage the husband and wife come first if the husband and wife again Christian my household is arranged

[01:18:12] god wife children everything else but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna put god's

[01:18:19] will ahead of my wife because god's will is that I take care of my wife like you know those two

[01:18:23] things really ought to marry together pretty well and there's never going to be a moment where

[01:18:27] like an angel comes down from heaven and says you really should cheat on your wife that's just not

[01:18:31] that but it's not the way that works at least my interpretation of my religion and you know

[01:18:35] religious beliefs more like a demon from hell yeah but in any case so like nothing comes between

[01:18:43] spouses not friends not not not not friends not social media not screen addictions not drugs

[01:18:50] not money nothing no never nothing comes between the spouses the spouses have to put each other

[01:18:57] at the tip top of their priority list and I told you when we were either engaged or freshly married

[01:19:02] I'm like if you don't put me first I can't put you first and if you don't put and if we don't put

[01:19:08] each other first this will not work we're being gauged I think we were engaged I don't think we

[01:19:13] were married yeah yeah that was a that was a but I I did I shifted my parents away

[01:19:21] and then you took that top spot and that was never to say and I never once said like you

[01:19:26] can never speak to your family again you're my dad no but I was my priorities were very shifted and

[01:19:32] shouldn't be that way shouldn't happen that way yeah but that way anymore but very often we are also

[01:19:39] influenced by our upbringing and my my influence was that like that's the way I had been taught

[01:19:46] marriage should be is that you know like I remember in conversations with my father about how

[01:19:51] when you get married like I'm always going to be your dad mom's always going to be your mom but

[01:19:55] your wife is your family she is the person you cling to she's the person who you put your head

[01:20:01] in her lap and when you've had a bad day she's the person who will always be there for you

[01:20:06] I'm never leaving I'm never gonna abandon you but that's your family and when you have kids

[01:20:11] your wife and your kids are your family they're your responsibility like it was I was taught

[01:20:16] this at a very young age about how to what to expect from a family unit and now being a father

[01:20:23] myself I totally understand where my dad was coming from because I'll always be her father

[01:20:29] she could call me 20 years now marry with kids run around I'm still going to be ready to

[01:20:34] jump in the truck and run her rescue but I never expect her to put me ahead of her husband

[01:20:40] no or her kids yeah you let me stay in this house and start to death that's what has

[01:20:45] to be you take care of them because they're your responsibility it's it's a I totally understand

[01:20:49] where my father is coming from but to that whole end about never let anything come between you

[01:20:55] you know the spouses I do also think one thing that really hurts marriages is when the two stop

[01:21:03] trying to take care of each other and take care of each other means a lot of different things

[01:21:08] like for a lot of like we talked about the five love languages which would probably

[01:21:12] be a fun episode is to talk through that for now we have two write them down write this stuff down

[01:21:18] and this was another and I don't want to totally spoil that for the next one but like I feel like

[01:21:24] very often where people fall into this trap is that they try to they try to communicate love in

[01:21:29] the way they receive love which is not always the way their spouse can their spouse receives

[01:21:33] messages of love but I do think that the dangerous part which I don't want to get into a

[01:21:38] lot right now I want to save for that episode but I do think the dangerous part is when one

[01:21:42] spouse says I don't have to show love that way or I don't want to show love that way yeah because

[01:21:51] that's the way your spouse feels that affection if you want to show your spouse affection I'm not

[01:21:57] saying that as the only method but I am saying that as their primary way of feeling affection

[01:22:02] and I see lots and lots and lots of couples that fail at this and they fail at it

[01:22:08] intentionally because they just quit you know like physical affection is one of the love languages

[01:22:13] and that is a that's because they allow things to come between their marriage they give up

[01:22:20] well it's not a priority their marriage their spouse is not a priority but what frustrates me

[01:22:26] is that usually from most of those couples we're thinking of probably because we're probably

[01:22:30] thinking of the same ones the spouse stopped being a priority as soon as they didn't feel

[01:22:35] like they had worked to keep them and this is something this would be a this is a keep them what

[01:22:40] do you mean okay so oh wait okay never mind no because no this is good I love this let's

[01:22:48] let's hold on to this for the next topic we've talked about it before okay anyway anyway

[01:22:54] I'm just looking at the time I know but you know I feel like I feel like that's what I would add

[01:22:58] to this list is that you can't let anything come between spouses and you have to continue

[01:23:03] to show that person affection they have to feel like you still care enough to put effort into the

[01:23:09] relationship because if if you pour effort into a relationship right up to the moment the wedding

[01:23:15] cake gets eaten and then you quit that marriage didn't mean much to you in the first place yeah

[01:23:20] you should you should be trying as hard to make sure your spouse knows their love 40 years

[01:23:26] into a marriage when you're old and gray and everything's pointed the floor as you did to

[01:23:33] when as you did when you were dating you can't stop you don't it's not as if oh I can coast now

[01:23:38] I got the ring that's not the way that works oh it's not no oh do you want me to just coast

[01:23:45] joking I just sitting in my chair for four hours at a time and that's not coasting

[01:23:56] you know what I'm saying joking anyway so we have two episodes to do we do and I do want to say

[01:24:02] and I think I've said this before if you have an idea and you want to help assist out you can always

[01:24:09] message me with hey why don't you do a show on you know on this topic and I'll consider it

[01:24:17] probably take it so that we actually have a show anyway but very good okay we're an hour

[01:24:25] and 25 minutes in thank y'all for listening we won't keep you any longer than what we need to so

[01:24:30] we weren't keeping them anyway I mean this is on the internet they can watch it later if they got bored

[01:24:34] whatever whatever some people like to stay for the live anyway we love y'all okay have a great

[01:24:39] rest of your Sunday see you next week bye bye y'all read a book or run around do choice

[01:24:43] talk to you later